Being Cynical™: December 2009

Down The Memory Lane

Published on: Thursday, December 31, 2009 // Humor, Story

When my office receptionist called me to collect my courier, the last thing I expected the courier would contain a New Year's greetings card. Thanks to one of my friend who took the pain in dispatching it along with throwing a big window open down the memory lane. Another decade passed by with blink of an eye. It seems as if it was yesterday when we shook our hand for the first and last time with our college dean while collecting our engineering certificates in the year 2000.

The decade started with the the famous Y2K problem which gave Mr. Bill Gates few strained wrinkles on his forehead , probably thinking about his organization and his kid's future. When I do a fair analysis on what we gained and what we lost in these 10 years, I somehow tend to give the lost part the benefit of doubt to take the honors. In fact as we are growing day-by-day in terms of technology, global outlook, social reforms, terrorist attacks, diplomatic bull fights, brainwashed Jehadis, we definitely tend to lose more than we gain decade after decade.

In our school days the approach of new year bring along a whole lot of activities. A list needed to be prepared of all the prospective relatives, distant relatives, who needed to be greeted, at least two weeks prior. Few even used to prepare a parallel list containing individuals likings, hobbies and even favorite colour and movie actor/actress separately. Once the list was duly approved by at least a dozen family members, the process of buying Greeting cards depending on individuals choice was put into action.

You know Rupen Mama loves dogs so much, so this card with this cute little Poppy would just suit his taste. Yeh true, but he likes bull dogs more. 'Bhaya yeh same background main bull dog wala card milega kya?', goes the question with anxiously waiting for a yes nod from the vendor. Never mind if he shakes his head in denial. After all there are so many greetings card stalls in line. We would eventually get a bull dog imprinted card anyway, otherwise would ask Rima didi to fetch it from the market outside her office. Don't you think this picture of the burning fire would disturb Bobly Mausi, as she just lost her 'Mother-in-law's younger sister's, daughter's father-in-law?' Oh yes. Lets send this sunset one rather. We were so meticulous and concerned even when selecting a card. After such efforts of highest magnitude, if we happen to miss someone by mistake, then we would make it a point to call the person on 1st January and wishing him personally along with begging sorry for not sending a card.

Now I don't see this excitement any more. Forget about the excitement, I even don't see the lines of temporary card stalls selling millions of cards of different taste any more. Where they have gone ? Where this December enthusiasm of sending the greetings to their loved ones evaporated? Few guys in their mid twenties, who would have their own E-Mail IDs long before they even got their 10th grade mark sheet, would term me as old fashioned only comparable to their respective Dadajis and Taujis, but I personally never felt greeting someone was old fashioned or would be old fashioned ever. Don't you think we lost this joy of the enormous feeling of greeting our loved ones with a physical thing, even if it was only a Rs.5/- card. Let me assure you, even thousand virtual greetings with better and customized scenes send via E-Mails can't give the pleasure against the joy of receiving a card via post. This I felt when I got the card from one of my many long forgotten friends.

Gone is the decade when all current affairs buffs used to wait till 9 P.M in the night to see the news of the day narrated by Salma Aga in our own Doordarshan. Thanks to our current 24 hours news channels, which even show, if a guy is pick pocketed at Palika Bazar for half an hour. The famous Jingle bell sound of DD News program is long been silent and our DD came up with their own 24 hours news channel to meet the current demand. Only sorry part is that there are not enough Pick Pocketing reported everyday to be different in content from other such channels. I Still remember, the effort I had to administer in convincing my father to get the Cable TV connection for watching the ongoing Ashes series in England. So much effort for what : A single transponder airing different channels on time sharing and demand basis. 'Bhaya abhi Amitab Bachhan ka movie dega. Can you air ZEE TV plz?' That was fun trust me.

No wonder we don't have to call the Cable guy now for our favorite channel, after all now we have Dish Tv, airing at least 200 channels at a time. So 'Wish karo, Dish karo'. We lost the fight among siblings for individuals favorite channel and the extra effort put in our study timings to keep on convincing our parents that we are not getting ruined due to the idiot box. Least to say I still miss the stripe rainbow color signal feed used to appear before the actual airing of the program.

I feel our unofficial national game Cricket is also loosing it's grip on the viewers demand list. It's no more the curfew imposer as it used to be a decade and half back. I still remember when me and my father drove all the way from Bhubaneswar to Barabati stadium in Cuttack to see a Ranji Match between Orissa and West Bengal. Now the broadcasting channel has to request the organizers to start the match one hour late in Newzeland, so that their could be more viewers as the original timing would be 4:30 in the morning India time and would become too painful for the Indian viewers to get up. No more craze left for India Vs pakistan ties. No more Javed Miadad hitting a six on the last ball of the match to win it and running like a mad cow back to the pavilion and of course the joy in his face which would even put the joy of Julius Caesar, after concurring the world, into back burner.

The Tring..Tring sound of the postman's cycle bell is getting minimal and minimal. All posts are now being routing via E-Mails. It won't be far off when we wouldn't see the Khaki clad guy distributing letters from door to door so honestly. I feel, if I have to show my kid a Postcard or In-land letter I might have to visit the nearest muesium. Gone are those days when you just needed 15 paisa to send your feelings in writing to your loved ones. Now-a-days nobody would even slap you, if you request him to do the act in exchange of the same 15 Paisa. By the way, where in earth we would get those 10 Paisas and 5 Paisas, which was the cost of a single Golgappa during my school days.

Let me stop this blabber or else I might give you a feeling as if I am TRex. Extinct. Let me assure you I am not that Old. But the fact is we actually lost so many things as a whole and me few personally. I lost my bachelorhood, as I got married this decade. Lost my innocence as I stepped into the world of corporate and job. Lost my confidence, that I can do anything, as I failed miserably in two of my entrepreneurial adventures. Lost my easy go attitude as life taught me few aspects the hard way. Thankfully I haven't lost one thing that is my sense of humor. Thanks Sambit, for this wonderful gesture of sending the greetings card. I would definitely preserve it as a treasure for the rest of my life. But let me tell you: You just went a bit out of the way. Don't you have an E-Mail ID ?

Devil's Advocates

Published on: Monday, December 28, 2009 // Corruption, India, Losers, Public Interest

Sivani Bhatnagar, Jessica Lal, Rupen Deol Bajaj and now the latest entrant Ruchika Girhotra. Somehow the triplet city of Chandigarh, Panchkula and Mohali are back into news headlines again for all the wrong reasons. It took quite an effort to produce this latest spectacle. At least four Chief Ministers starting with Hukkum Sing followed by Bansilal, Bhajanlal and lastly Om Prakash Chautala honored the director's seat at some point or the other as it surprisingly took 19 long years to produce.

Efforts of a dozen High profile Babus including the then Home Secretary and down, the then principal of Sacred Heart High school, the SHO of Panchkula Sector-16 police station along with the then DG of police, as spot boys needs some serious appreciation. The whole drama that gone around for last 19 years has a larger indication than just S.P.S Rathore and Ruchika. It more openly displays the urban-metro culture that crept into our society, which makes us believe that the more mis-behaved you are the more stylish and cultured you would be considered in the so called page 3 world, the dark nudity of Politician-Police nexus and the 'I scratch your back and you mine' philosophy that prevailing in our politics.

It was really disturbing to see a teenager loosing her life, her innocent family being harassed and traumatized for 19 long years and the culprit laughing his way out of the court to the bank (I am sure Mr. Rathore, must have huge amount of green leafs stashed in his bank account). All this for what : A young girl one day thought there are still honest people in the system, who would listen to her plea and she had immense faith on India's judiciary. But at the end of the day it was a complete mockery of Indian Criminal Justice System, to say the least.

Sometime back in a train journey of mine I came across a fellow passenger, whose narration really touched my heart and went on to convince me that there are still a handful of honest officer present in our system who are ready to run that extra mile to deliver justice to the oppressed. Baring we two innocent souls the boggy was over flowing with Gujjus. As throughout our journey the Gujjus were all over the place from lower berth to the toilet, the wash basin, the papad, to the morning Dhoklas, we two somehow were alienated from our existence. Since being there for 30 odd hours in the mini Gujrat, somehow we got into a discussion revolving around Gujrat in general(Not necessarily the Gujjus at hand). There I happen to know that the gentleman I was talking with is a young CBI officer. On the topic of Gujrat riots he went on to narrate how he made it a point to visit Bilkis Banu at 11:30 at night, drive the pregnant lady to the hospital and recorded her statement while driving. When I asked, he could have easily carried out this activity next morning, then what really prompted him to go with this adventure in a riot affected city at the mid of the night? The answer was full with authority, without any enunciation, punctuation or eloquence. If I hadn't gone that night then I would have got a phone call next morning not to proceed with the enquiry, which in fact I eventually got the next morning, came the straight forward reply. This is where I felt the gravity and necessity of the steps taken by the honorable Supreme Court on police reforms.

Seeing the mishandling of our police department on the hands of our politicians, as famously quoted by our Home Minister : The police department is a toy in the hands of the state machinery and are being kicked from one place to another like a football for individual gain or otherwise, the honorable Supreme Court decided to introduce the reforms in a hurry so that the department could be spared with some penalty kicks. Lightning struck the state governments when this reform rule was passed. The very thought of loosing the police department and the vision of no one standing by them for their misdeeds, gave a cold feet to all the Netas along with the CMs across the length and breath of India. If a senior lawyer of the Supreme Court to be believed at least four Chief Ministers approached him to see, if he can file a petition in Supreme Court against the police reform bill issued. When asked why they are so interested in keeping the police system on their power circle our beloved Netas replied : "Iske bina gormint chalta hai kya".

No wonder all states are dragging their feet in implementing the directives of Supreme Court. After all they have to run their Gormint. Don't they? The Justice Thomas committee, that was installed to see to it that all states implement the directive sooner than later are also enjoying holidays at various cooling out places of different states on tax payers money, wholly sponsored by the state administration. I would call it a state instigated bribery of national magnitude. Our law ministry also conveniently slept over the issue and never thought it is necessary to book all those involved in this drama in contempt of our apex court. After all they also have to run their central Gormint.

This nexus and the theoretical manipulation of our judiciary is rapidly becoming a pain. When Mr. Lalu Yadav got acquitted from a dozen cases out of the thousands pending against him the Bihar government went ahead to file a petition in the apex court only to find that the Solicitor General already waiting their defending this seasoned culprit with a reason that, as the CBI is still investigating the matter they can't file a petition in Supreme Court till the CBI tables the so called facts in the form of a report. When it comes to defend a corrupt railway minister, so that the present gormint doesn't face any humiliation, even the solicitor general took the pain of getting up from his chair and out defending but when it comes to give justice to innocents these clowns would no where to be seen.

As somebody correctly said, in India there is justice for rich and famous only. If you are none of these then you are suggested to keep your filthy mouth shut and don't cry for justice (If at all there would be one) soon. We as individuals are also responsible somewhat for this farce to go on. Because from Jessica to Ruchika, we wake up and go to sleep or plan our holidays in between. Is it Goa we are going this time or lets go to the Ran of Kutch to get the glimpses of the famous Wild Asses. If we don't see much beyond the wild asses we would keep on allowing the Rathores to play with our justice system and the Arnav Goswamis, the Barkha Dutts to make a national debate of such heinous crimes, for their own channel's TRP. If you believe these channels are fighting for us and want justice to be delivered to innocents like Ruchika, then you are grossly mistaken and it would be better if you keep on taking glimpses of the wild asses rather than bothering how our system is working and let the buffoons run the gormint the way they are doing for last 62 years.

With You, For You, Always

Published on: Wednesday, December 23, 2009 // Humor, India, Losers, Police, Public Interest

Does the title of the blog sounds somewhat familiar to you, then you are just at it. It is our own Delhi Police's (DP) by-line. The way we associate Nike with the by-line 'Just Do It', Delhi Police thought off, coming with their own set of literature to impress the public with their antiques. Hence the famous piece 'With You, For You, Always' came to fore. Even being at the opposite end of the spectrum, with their actions in contrast to the meaning of the said byline, but the Public Relation team of DP left no stones unturned to make sure that their by-line stood next only to Nike's when it comes to people's recognition.

All Police station's boards, side of the white Maruti Gypsies, road barracks, kiosks, boundary line hoardings at Firoz Shah Kotla, stepny covers of scooters, inside Sulav Sauchalayas, everywhere you would find this line being promptly imprinted. I heard now the PR team are planning to gift T-Shirts with this line to all those hapless chaps they pick up in the name of interrogation and beat them black and blue to see to it that they confess to the crime they haven't done. After all who cares who has done the crime as long as we have someone confessing for it.

Apart from the gross lack of administrative sense, the DP team time and again voluntarily proved, they lack common sense and other aspects of education. I guess DP HR department should patent their selection process, so that they can earn millions when students from different Business schools across the world would beg to know the art of recruitment : "How not to recruit craps for your organization".

When Mr & Mrs. Kaul (an aged couple) were found murdered in their flat, our Delhi Police was promptly pressed into service to catch hold off the culprit.Ever agile DP team got into action without delay. Huge road block greeted the investigating team when they failed to find any eyewitness. Due to the serious lack of IQ, as expected our team failed to comprehend the motive behind the murder even. Now DP team, who are not very fond of defeats, get into their usual business of framing an innocent, the act where they are self proclaimed masters. The blood trail they found in the room finally led to the nephew of the deceased, as the team saw blood marks on the shoes of the said chap. As the nephew is the person who first saw the dead bodies and eventually called the masters to take charge, it was highly possible that his shoes might have come in contact with the blood on the floor. Knowing this fact could go against them in court, our DP team promptly arrested the nephew and beat the hell out of him till the point he confessed to the crime, the cloths he was wearing, other sundry items and even the virtual murder weapon. Now do you think, is blood group AB a result of a mixture of blood group A and blood group B ? At least some Delhi Police sleuths think so. But for this lack of knowledge of elementary biology, these cops would have got away with their devious plan of planting evidence to solve the murder case and eventually framing an innocent man. When the cops who were investigating were grilled severely by the defence lawyer, it came to light that, in a desperate attempt to crack the double murder with no eyewitness, these policemen planted blood group AB on the weapon of offence, which they believed would explain the killing of a man and his wife who had blood groups A and B respectively.Hinting at a deliberate attempt made by the cops, to falsely implicate the accused the honorable High Court said : "It is apparent that some overzealous police officer has planted blood on the knife because, when blood group A is mixed with blood group B doesn't make blood group AB, which surprisingly thought the other way by few cops with the knowledge base of the highest order. It is suggested the cops be given sound counselling and if possible a lesson or two on elementary biology." The accused is acquitted with all respect and our DP team returned to their base licking their wounds and few books on biology in their hand.

In the infamous case of Manu Sharma our DP team was at it again. This time they didn't tried to frame someone but goofed up every possible investigating procedure came in their way. When they felt everyone starting from Sonia Gandhi and down are pissed off with them, they send an SOS to the headquarters to rush-in a guy with a bit better experience in handling a high profile murder cases. The saviour was deported in a hurry and once he was there, he advised all to start from the scratch, looking at the complexities of the case. When investigating a crime what is the first thing to be established? He asked. Oh yes the gentleman at the last row. What is that, you didn't raise your hand because you know the answer but you want to go to the toilet instead. Off you go, but don't forget to wash your hands. Now as it seems nobody knows the answer, let me answer it myself then, said the saviour. The first thing the cop does is to establish that a crime actually being committed to begin with. Now what is the crime in this Manu Sharma-Jesica Lal case, can anybody answer me ? The premises was not licensed by the relevant authorities to serve alcohol were in fact doing so, in clear contravention of Excise Act 1927, Subsection 3 Para 2, came a prompt reply. Bull's eye. Now as the crime is established (Serving unauthorized alcohol), lets go to the dubious claim that a fire arm is discharged at the said premises. It's really a dubious allegation indeed as no firearms are being recovered from the place, said a top cop sitting at the front row. To make matters worse there is a suspicion that there were actually two unrecovered firearms there, he added. This makes the case doubly suspicious. Practically a whole arsenal gone missing. The two fire arm theory goes on to suggest that there could be two shooters: One Manu and another Sharma, announced the intelligent saviour. Now where all this two-in-everything argument leads us to? Simple. It proves conclusively that everyone present was blotto on unlicensed alcohol and seeing double. Brilliant, Brilliant yelled the saviour followed by a huge round of applause by all present in the room. If further proof were needed that a crime actually been committed (consumption of unauthorized grog) it is supplied by tow-gun, two-shooter hallucination, added the saviour. Ahh.., our friend from the toilet is back.

When guys try to achieve more than what they deserve like our Delhi Police, then at the end of the day it is the Human Rights that goes for a toss and Democracy a huge causality. Actions speak louder than the words. It is expected that our Delhi Police Cops should get into some real credible action than going around convincing people with their With You, For You, Always Funda. Amen!!

First Among Equals

Published on: Monday, December 21, 2009 // Humor, India, Jokers, Public Interest

26/11 and the three subsequent days that followed were definitely not the set of days we would love to come across again. Not even in our dreams. Hundreds being killed mercilessly, TV footage showing thousands running for their lives whole through the night and the infamous statements by few top cops later, that goes on to prove that among the thousands running for their lives that fateful night were few of our policemen who either choose to stay indoors, giving their duty a skip or were seen running at the first row among the bewildered crowd.

More tragedy and torture of various forms were awaiting for the people who were either at the mid of the crossfire or guys like me who were glued to the TV set for almost 72 hours to get the very latest which our ever so prompt News channels were eagerly telecasting. It took some time for the dust to settle. After relentless effort by our NSG, Journos like Burkha Dutt and Maharuf Inayat, crawling on the ground to telecast the inside story of room no 302 of Taj Hotel, where a man was shown peeing, which these brave journos claimed to be a said gunman, the then Home Minister shown the door, so that he can concentrate on his dressing sense and hair style full time, CM of Maharastra given a lesson or two for getting confused that Taj after the operations is a picnic spot like Mahabelswar but not a sensitive zone, and being strongly reprimanded for bringing in his actor (minus the acting) son and a third graded director along with, as if they are for a morning walk, the Home minister of Maharstra was advised to attend his Hindi and English classes regularly, so that he chooses a better statement next time, rather than going for a movie dialogue. It certainly took a lot of comedy for the dust to settle. Poor terrorists (9 of those), would be dearly unhappy up their in hell that, the amount of chaos they tried to create by their vendetta was effortlessly being underpowered by the comedy created by the media and our beloved politicians later.

When everyone thought, the worst is over, our politicians threw a dice or two of surprises. The most sorry part for all the citizens was the absence of our chief of armed forces. She rather preferred to be out of this mesh and carried on with her official visit(read vacation) of Bali. She even never thought it is necessary to thank the guys who were involved in the operation with something like 'Good job done guys', after she returned. As the general election was round the corner and Delhi elections on the same week, our then Govt decided to install a not so stylish, new face for the post of Home minister, as a face saving exercise. The competent factor was never a concern I thought. What we saw after that, is the complete massacre of democracy for last one year. Qasab enjoying Biriyani at the Aurther road jail in a 6 crore bunglow, Sivsena and alike fighting, who should be or shouldn't be presenting the lone captured terrorist in court, the ever resilient Mumbaikars going for a candle light vigil and politician bashing, someone writing a poem like 'Aur Isbaar nehin', all getting irritated with the same statement with different ascents, the prominent being the Bengali one: 'vall optons var hopen'. All Options were and are still open for everyone one year down the line, starting from the home minister to defence minister. Thankfully our PM, never had any options open or closed ever.

Too much of effort was invested by all for the things to settle down a bit. No sooner it happened, the media promptly brought about another issue, which nobody would have dreamt off, to increase their TRP which was in a downward swing : Thanks to no major terrorist attack in last one year. On the one year eve of this dreaded attack I happened to see a so called remembrance show, where the host put forward a question to the set of already overtly confused guests : "Did media followed more on Taj & Trident happening, because the elite mass of the society caught in the crossfire there?" The guests excelled with a sudden bout of superiority complex for being tabled as the elite mass, started answering like seasoned intellectuals. Leading the bunch of guests was Anupam Kher. When confronted with the question, Mr.Kher with drowsing eyes like lord Buddha, creased his bald head before starting with the finer points of the NSG operation. The details must have blasted the day lights out of Mr.Dutta who was head of NSG and was in the thick of things at both the hotels. Mr.Dutt watch out.Your job is in serious danger as Mr.Kher even knows things which never happened. Getting to the actual question he was promptly being joined by another baldy, Mr. Mahesh Bhatt, who more often than not seen blowing the secular trumpet unnecessarily. Mr.Bhatt went ahead and being an adherent fan of Pakistan, tried to somehow point out that Pakistan's hand should not be too confirmed when there are thousand glaring disjoints in the investigation and findings. The problem is that, there were no one to represent the poor chaps who lost their lives at CST and Cama Hospital. This shows which places among the four were being zoomed in more by this grossly hypocrite media. Of course I do believe that the hotels got the maximum coverage for their stature in society. I never saw a soul roaming around with a camera or crawling journalists at Gauhati suburb market when the bomb blast killed more than five dozen guys there. No body bothered for 62 those died at CST.After all who cares for a bunch of guys, maximum constituents of which are migrant labourers.

This debate could continue just like 'chicken first or egg' for ever. We would have more baldies advocating for one side or the other. if you ask the babus and politicians whose decisions do matter, on what we learnt from 26/11, I assure you, you would be hearing exiting answers for the rest of your life. The fact is we haven't learnt anything. The police department is as badly managed as it was, top cops are more interested in addressing the media than addressing the security concerns of the common mass , same bunch of crooks back again at the helm of affairs, just only 40% turnout for assembly election and last but not the least : 'All options are still open'.

Another Day In Paradise

Published on: Friday, December 18, 2009 // Humor, India, Story

"Yuk, kitna ganda hai yeh station. You know the Chicago suburb Railway station is so clean and beautiful".Heard a lady in her mid twenties telling her companion in Pune station. The dissatisfaction was quite evident in her voice and along with it the widened nostrils, which Congress spokes person Jayanthi Natrajan would be proud to have, was just adding the crown to her already over sized grievance against Mamta Banarjee and team. Being seen the Chicago station myself, I could easily co-relate the difference the lady was trying to point out through her nostrils. Just when I was starting to appreciate the lady for her concerns and the widened nostrils, there she goes. She nonchalantly threw the Bhel-Puri plate right there on her feet and went hurriedly to fetch a cup of Tea. Goodness gracious.Does she expects Mamta Banarjee to come and pick that up and set the place straight before she returns back with her cup of tea, so that she doesn't have to widen her already widened nostrils further?As I myself got too busy catching my train, I couldn't notice what the lady did with the Tea cup and going on to blame whom to which extent.

But the lady's nostrils made two points clear. First : There is tons and tons of gandagi around us in our country. Second : We as a country are full of entities, who at the best can provide lip service and go on blaming the authorities for all the filth, where in we ourselves are individual contributors to this dirt, but start shouting from the roof top at the drop of a hat. By nature we are pigs when it comes to cleanliness, hang-on: or is it our national character ? I guess the later.

When I was being driven down from the Airport on return from my first foreign trip from US, the evergreen Taxi driver from Amchi Mumbai started a conversation with me on my trip and my experience in US and all. After few rounds of rapid fire, he glanced at my hand and asked 'yeh kya hai sahab'. A key ring I replied. 'Kya Sahab. Ek Nanga-Punga boy doing susu. Yeh kyesa key ring hai sahab. Let me pass on some wisdom to this chap, I thought. This is called Mannekin Pis (A statue), a famous tourist spot in Brussels. The way we make small souvenirs of Taj Mahal to carry back home as memorabilia. This key ring is just a small souvenir of sort, I explained. Taj mahal jyesa famous. Tourist ate hain wahan aur Photo bhi khich te hain ? Asked the driver. I could easily see the dis-believe and non-appreciation in his wide opened eyes on the very fact that statue of a boy doing susu could be a tourist attraction. I don't blame the driver. In fact average Indians won't believe that statue of a so called Nanga-Punga boy doing pee-pee, could be a tourist attraction, as day-in day-out we see thousands of our fellow countrymen doing the same act in open air, near bus stand, on the side of a busy street, on the walls of government offices (I heard, at times even private properties are not been spared), for years and years. Do you think anyone would make a statue of us doing the act and name it as Bharatiya Pis and tourist from across the globe would come taking pictures and souvenirs. Worse even that the authorities rather being exited and proud of our act, threaten us with fines for doing it in open air.

My thoughts were interrupted, when the driver told me on how once he was caught red handed by a policeman while committing this act on the wall of the City museum and how he managed to get away from paying a fine of Rs.300/- by offering a bribe of 20 bucks to the police man.

It is well said that, if you want to see India, then start with Indian villages, but I would say start from any government office that you find. No ifs and buts, just any govt. office full with lazy babus would do. Even if it is not a very exiting way of discovering India, but surely it's exiting to see how oblivious we are when it comes to cleanliness. I was once unfortunate enough to go to the local Municipality office to pay the property tax. After numerous efforts and quizzing a dozen not so friendly govt officials I managed to get to a corner, only to be greeted by a huge line against the sole counter reserved for property tax paying.

The Mayawati look alike lady behind the counter was in no mood to attend the long queue of patrons in a hurry. Suddenly Mayawati ji got the feeling that it's lunch time. Without appreciating our patience to stand in a queue (Which is completely non-Indian), Mayawati ji opened her lunch box to honor the content inside it. Was it Aloo Muttor and Paratha in the menu? As I was waiting for Mayawati ji to finish her lunch, I realized I am actually in the middle of a huge dustbin. I asked the gentleman infront of me about the average time Mayawati ji taking to clear out an individual. 'Yak..Thoo' and there goes the fountain of at least half a liter saffron colour mixture and splashed on the face of Amitab Bachhan, who was advocating about getting all children polio vaccinated, with writing on the wall "Ek Bund Jindegi ka". Lunch ke baad, paan ek chahiye achhi digestion keliye, said the gentleman before answering my query.

Of course it's needed , I affirmed. How much AB would agree to this medicinal value of paan, whose face had gone beyond recognition, except the trademark white color french beard spared from this tsunami of saliva, is to be seen. The artwork of the gentleman in front left AB look more like a Choco-bar Ice cream: Saffron at the top and white below. The gentleman in front and many others alike have left no stones unturned in making that small room look artistic. All the small patches all around was giving the room a cynic look, least to say. This Paan and lately the new entrant on the fray, better known as Gutka are rapidly becoming a national causality. Anywhere you go North, South, West, Bottom of Arabian Sea, Top of Mount Everest, you would always find the trail of either these two entities or both.

You go for an early morning walk to inhale a bout of fresh air, you will be disappointed with your decision. If you have travelled in sleeper class of Indian Railways, then I don't think I required to narrate further on our sense of cleanliness. Just by widening our nostrils, doesn't make this country a cleanlier place. Not only in India, but we carry our special attribute of meshing around as filthiness is always part of our packing, wherever we go, to any part of the world. This is the reason, I wasn't at all surprised when I read a news under the header 'Indians Abroad', that two men of Indian origin were apprehended by Police in Brussels for being engaged in a three way peeing contest with a local tourist attraction.

Identity Crisis

Published on: Wednesday, December 16, 2009 // Humor, India, Losers, Story

The other day, I heard a gentleman announcing to the world, how the quality of ThumsUp has improved few folds after been taken over by Coca-Cola.If insiders of Coca-cola to be believed, then coke perhaps haven't done anything to TumpsUp's image, quality, taste in either way of positive or negative after taking over. The only thing they have done is to put the by line "A Coca-cola company" in white letters at the base of each bottle that goes out to market. Now if the quality (rather taste) really improves for that single white line carved at the bottom of the bottle, then the gentleman is perfectly correct in his announcement. If not then it's a sorry part that we are still carrying the notion of being compared, stamped, shadowed more worse even to be discarded or copied against a brand, name, place, individuals of non-Indian fame to prove ourselves worth acceptable in our own views, let alone others accepting it. This is what I call Identity crisis and selective amnesia the gentleman is suffering from.

Not alone to blame the gentleman, we actually are brought-up this way only. Somewhere our fathers and fore-fathers are equal contributor to this identity crisis at large. Sometime back my father told me a story that happened when he was a kid. Somewhere the confusion with the identity was quite evident at that time also. Well completely out of lack of knowledge though, unlike show-off nowadays.

Being from a rural village, education was definitely not on the priority list during that time for the people staying at that part of the world. And for a particular community gracing the village known as "Gauda (doing business of milk)", the word education was as dangerous as playing with a King Cobra. Due to their nature of so called business coupled with the serious lack of basic etiquette of living, the community more often than not end up bringing in one fight or the other. At times the fights were to be so vibrant that the timely intervention of the not so friendly police department was called for. In one such incident the police inspector started his investigation (On how and why Bhuna ended up with a bleeding nose and half a dozen broken bones), with quizzing individuals, starting with their respective names, who claimed to be at the site of the crime. Being acquainted with the gentlemen at hand and their well to do education level, Inspector decided to start with a person who holds the highest degree (Standard 7th dropout: which also took him 15 years of hard work to achieve) among the Gauda brethren, as far as education is concerned. Sea of confusion was waiting for the Gaudas, when the guy known as 'Nakhia', told his name to be 'Laxmidhar' . The confusion has two parts.First of those is : Who the hell is this Laxmidhar and second is how Nakhia suddenly become one Laxmidhar ? One patron among the confused lot, who happens to be the second highest degree holder after Nakhia, came forward to lead from the front on clearing the air of confusion . He made it clear to the rest that Nakhia is still Nakhia, but when it comes to talking with an Inspector , 'Dhar' is just the way to go rather the way to end your name with. Now what followed should go into the history book as the classic case of identity crisis. All Dhars starting with Makhanadhar, Paramadhar, Bikalidhar, Vikaridhar, Saniadhar, Haguradhar, Arjunidhar came and graced the stage. The frustrated Inspector has no option left but to entertain his Lathi (Police Stick) vigorously on the respective backs of all the Dhars to get the real names out.

We Indians are in fact a confused bunch. We not only confuse ourselves but also somehow manage to confuse all who gets associated with us. Of late the famous Chinese whisper is giving sleepless nights to our Prime-minister along with a handful individuals in PMO, including our External Affairs & Defence Minister. All the aggressive approach of the mongoloids, the red marks on the stones present on Indian territory, occasional firing across the border and not to mention the poor Naga Chap whose head was clean shaved and marked Red permanently. More than the Chinese, the poor chap has fear for stray bulls now. The reasons for this hostile attitude of Bejing towards us was being explained by scholars of international politics across the globe. The reasons are few to count, starting from we becoming a economic power in this region along with vibrant growth etc. But if you ask me, I would differ and have my own set of reasons which I guess hurt the Chinese more than we as a nation growing. Sometime back while attending a function I got to know the real reason.

As China is famous for their food after the great wall of China, it happens to be a regular member in the menu card of any party . So the party in discussion was no different either. The hospitality was at it's best when I was given company by none other than the host Mr. Kohli himself. After making himself comfortable beside me, he violently searched around the table for something before yelling at his servant: "Ramu, beta Achar aur Piyaj nehin diya tune". His Master's voice was gracefully put into action. Before taking a generous spoon of Achar and a fistful of Piyaz, on his plate already filled with Chinese Haka Noodles, he gave me a smile and said: You know this Achar & Piyaz realy go well with Chowmin, and I should try this someday. "Bina Piyaz aur Achar ka maza nehin ata", he said. I was confused, what this Chowmin is all about ? Is their any such dish present in Chinese menu. As this was not enough to irk our helpless neighbours, he went on to ask for a Paratha with a butter slice, a katori of Dahi & Dal (Optional) and a fried lijjat Papad to combine with Mushroom Chilly. During his Indo-Chinese meal he requested me to try some Gobi Manchurian, and went on to describe how he got hold off the best Chinese cook in town for tonight. What the heck, what is this Manchurian, that too prepared by the best Chinese cook of the town. Now thanks to Mr.Kohli and thousands alike for their tireless efforts over the years, the guys at the top of the Chinese helm of affairs decided enough is enough. Can't tolerate the torture administered to our food for decades together. Throw the Panchaseel out of the window and get in touch with Pakistan and get into some serious business of making Bombs.

Now they are so adamant that they tend to differ from India in every aspect.Not even in Climate change discussion going on at Copenhagen, not caring for global warming, melting ice at the glacier, shortage of rain and sun burn polar bears. This is how we run away with someone else identity irking a whole generation and generations to follow.

We are not only confused but grossly fond of copying. Copying for proving ourselves worth being international standard. For God's sake, they make movies or their movie hub is a place called Hollywood. This doesn't justify that we should come up with all the woods possible. Mumbai :- Bollywood, Tamil:- Tollywood, Kanada :- Kollywood, Orissa :- Ollywood. God knows how many such woods are available for the taking in India. Do you think these page 3 so called socialites who shamelessly flaunt one wood or the other at least thrice in each statement they utter are any different or better than all the 'Dhars' of my Paternal village ? The sorry part is that we feel proud to call our own Movie hub as Bollywood. Same in line we flaunt that Chanakya is the Machiavelli of India. The poor chap Chanakya must be turning in his grave, just thinking how he could be compared to someone who saw the light of the sun hundred years after his death. But you pick up any political science book you will find this notoriously absurd statement written in bold letters.

I wish the day will come when we will get out of this UBI (Unfortunately Born in India) attitude and get to respect our own identity. When we will realize that we are what we are. Irespective of naming our movie industry Bollywood we would still continue to produce atleast few hundreds of third graded movies each year. I hope someone is listening and would make sure that we don't call river Ganga as Ganges and figure out what is the possibility of US guys naming Hollywood as Humbai or something.

Politics of States

Published on: Monday, December 14, 2009 // Dirty Tricks, Humor, India, Politicians, Politics

As they say, politics starts from the Tea stalls. The statement has a bigger role to play when it comes to Indian Politics. The other day, when I was having a cup of tea in a Tapri outside my office during lunch hour, I got to hear few strategic comments on what's going around Andhrapradesh and the subsequent repercussions of the turmoil on Maharastra. Andhra mesh having an effect on Maharastra ? Just wondered for the possible relationship. Before my brain could start working on the confusion at hand, the man with a cutting in one hand and a gold flake in other cleared it at once.The reasons varied from being neighbouring states to in/out flow of Naxals across the border and what not. I must say a genius at work.

On a serious note, the gentleman with a Viku Mahatre look and artier was bang on target when he narrated the miss-happenings in Andhrapradesh. Not so sure about the argument he gave forward about the possible repercussion of the Andhra mesh on Maharastra Politics or people at large though. When we were at school we were struggling and getting caned for not mugging all the 25 states and their respective capitals by our Sheela Dixit Look alike Geography teacher. I feel pity on current generation students, where they had to do the same exercise for 28 states. As if this was not enough, guys like KCR, Mayawati and lesser known entities like Bimal Gurung (Head of Gorkha Janmukti Morcha) are trying their best to make sure that the respective backs of the hapless students should carry the outline of India Map, carved out by the canes of all such Sheela Dixit look alikes, for not knowing their country's geography properly. I am sure these poor students with sore backs would be seeing KCR and team in the same light of Aurangzeb.

The Telengana Pandora's Box has made ways for states like Vidarba, Bundelkhand, Purbanchal, Harit Pradesh, Gorkhaland to be carved out from some part or other of India. T. Ramarao (Son of KCR) who was spearheading the media campaign while KCR was cooling his back in hospital, was very much vocal about the demand and the people of Telengana as a whole. The slogan was quite interesting: something in line with what our own Raj Thakrey would have felt proud off. "Andhra wale Bhago, Telengana wale Jagoo". When asked the meaning of the same, Mr. Rao with a little American ascent stammered for first few seconds, and then came with an answer, which you can only expect from a politician only. He advised all to get the context not the meaning . As if he wanted to say : "Bhabnaon ko Samjho". Just wondering where was the very sentiment of the so called Telengana buddies when it came to 2009 general election where poor KCR couldn't even able to open his scorecard. It's pity and strange that with only having 14 presentations for themselves in state assembly, these guys shamelessly go on to talk about the sentiment and feeling of a whole region.

It seems Congress and more precisely the dhoti clad home minister were more convinced with the silly demands of KCR than KCR himself. After all you can expect all the gimmicks and surprises in the wrong term, when this party is in power. So I was not at all surprised when Mr.Chidambaram woke up at 12 O'clock at night after the alarm clock buzzed and announced to the whole world that we are having the 29th state soon for sure.What resulted was quite shameful after that. The IT city of Hydrabad was on the streets. Complete block down of business, services, biriyani stalls, wondering public at Hussen Sagar, Fully loaded Andhra trucks with chicken & vegetables, Tinku, Tinki's math teacher not showing up as he was busy demonstrating either for or against the move etc. There were so many casualties,and the latest being the shifting of the 2nd ondayer from Visakhapatnam to Nagpur. Guys in and around the port city won't be too exited on this development. Few might be comprehending the idea of getting hold off few kgs of RDX and KCR's home address to administer the stuff promptly. Not in KCR's home but somewhere else I presume. After all a match after 5 long years is gone without any substantial reason.

Mayawati, who always wish, want and hope to be in the news for all the wrong reasons came up with her own set of dirty gimmicks.After all she is a master of all nonsense. Suddenly she advised none lesser than the PMO to carve out two more states from UP. Namely Purbanchal and Bundelkhand. Well Ms.Mayawati finally accepted to shed off some power by creating more states or are those regions doesn't constitute much when it comes to her birthday contribution. I put my money on the second reason.

Politicians would remain one always. But it is for all human beings to see for themselves what they want. for the sake of Unity, Good governance, Commerce and last but not the least Tinku, Tinki's math teacher, we should refrain ourselves from all such non-useful things and get on with our own business. Irrespective off where we belong. Telengana, Bundelkhand or Purbanchal.

Comedy Of Errors

Published on: Thursday, December 10, 2009 // Cricket, Humor, Story

If I say I was disappointed yesterday it would be an understatement. Not because we lost the 20-20 against the islanders but the manner in which we lost it. I admit we are not doing good in this wada-pao format of cricket of late but the hope our team raised after becoming the top nation in Test format just 3 days back was promptly squashed yesterday evening. I can imagine the pain of Mike Young (Our new fielding coach), who just joined 2 days back. He might be contemplating to re-negotiate with the BCCI for a better pay cheque. I bet he must have under-estimated the amount of work he has to do to bring this team, full of butter fingers to any stage nearer to be called an international fielding side. Mr.Young, for the time being you are having a bunch of boys who are no better than any school team, when it comes to fielding. Your task is squarely cut-out. And first of those tasks would be to sit across the table with the BCCI honchos and discuss about your Pay Cheque, which I dearly feel need some serious addition.

Someone need to give Mr.Dhoni an earful. In the name of Neptune, try to realize that, it is a 20-20 not a 50-50 match.Winning the toss and bowling in a 20-20 is outrageous. At least in India. And the classic reason : "The dew would be a factor later on". This reason shows Mr.Dhoni is suffering from short term memory loss. If I am not wrong, Mr. Punter gave the same reason and bowled first at Nagpur, barely a month ago and the result is for all of us to see. Kangaroos lost that match badly.Didn't they ? So Mr. Captain it is high time you start following Amir Khan of Ghajni fame and keep on writing these small details on your body, if you can match yours' with Amir's Six Packs.

The Old Fox (read Jayasurya), was let off early, and by whom ? Our own Jonty : Yuvraj-Mama's Boy- Sing. The same guy about whose fielding once was put on air this way: "This Young Jonty of India would give the rattle snake a good fight and perhaps would give it the first bite". Hello Mr.Sidhu, where are you. Where are the fangs of your Rattle Snake ? Well the footage of the dropped catch by him is not entirely useless. It can be used as a bad example on how not to field at point,especially when a batsman square cuts. The old fox went on to hammer poor Asish Nehra for 22 runs the next over. I failed to comprehend whether Nehra was feeling sorry for himself for being in the park or was laughing.Thanks to his ornamental two storey dental furniture.

Next came to the stage our own lanky fast (Big question mark on this attribute) bowler. I was sure he has forgotten how to bowl but was never sure that he could be so big a liability in field too. Well this exactly what happens when you carry more hair on your head than rest of your body weight. When Dilsan returned a dolly, I thought that's it. But alas, our lanky has some completely different ideas to throw. Rather than gobbling the offer he choose to entertain the crowd present in the park as well as millions across the world glued to TV (Few bunking the office, and expecting to entertain a pair of Red eyes of their respective managers the next day) with some street juggling.One, Two, Three. There she goes.Not to mention few Ohhs and Ahhs. Some dropping heads and of course the classic and typical theatrical over expression of our slip brigade : Hands on their Hips. Son you belong to AXN, showing some street magic than bowling in the park. We should be thankful to Lanky for being so considerate for the complete entertainment of the spectators. He made sure that there is no shortage of comedy when he showed the world, how not to runout one of the batsmen (When both of them are at one end asking each other how the evening snacks was) on your own bowling. First there was a confusion on his part, whether to throw at the stumps or run all the way to do a famous Jonty act. Finally he managed to decide to give Jonty a fight for the best runout ever. Then he missed the stumps by few meters (which is well expected from our fielding unit) and last but not the least after missing the simplest of runout chances, which he made look more complicated than Pakistan politics, he made a famous Jim Carrey act. A frown, followed by a smile and then a third nondescript mutation of the face. This made me more confused than I were to begin with. No comments on the episode when he decided for the 3rd time to honor the stage when he missed a skyer. It wouldn't have made much of a difference but one thing to ponder Lanky. Get a decent hair cut soon. I bet your hairs came in the way while dropping this skyer.

Rest went somewhat without much comedy.Except few giggles here and there. Rohit missing a return catch. Few of our fielders over-estimating the speed of the ball, by running ahead of the ball as if they are competing with it to reach to the boundary first, rather than stopping it. Few diving over, after, whenever they wished on the ball, without achieving anything, other than getting the green stain on their respective jerseys.

Guys, for God's sake pull up your socks and play cricket.We are not interested for comedy serials.Let the comedy part be taken care by Ekta Kapoor.You guys get into some serious work. Or else days are not far off when the greats of the likes of Tendulkars, Darvids etc would be forgotten. Even by their own mother-in-laws.

Being Cynical�

Calling a spade, a spade