Being Cynical

If you are a normal male then you will do what a normal male does - take a shower every Sunday, whether you need it or not. If you are not a normal male then you might be inhabiting the bathroom on daily basis and talking nonsense about investments and stock markets. Most normal males probably will earn much more by opening international depot of ear wax or selling once used (not in a condition to be used again) inner wears than in some idiotic stock investment.

Whatever might be the shortcomings on various fronts, normal males are fastidious about hygiene, whenever they are sober enough to spell it. This obsession towards hygiene is very much evident from my friend Janardan's (not his real name) desk, under which an entire collection of the findings of his nasal excavation hangs. This findings are dug out by this idiot (his real name), examined minutely and flicked away if not up to qualifying mark. Rest are archived. Janardan is still single - ladies.

Ok, I am going away from the topic. Last moron I want to be a part of my blog is Janardan. So coming back to the hygiene thing. Any normal male must have (at least for once) used something called soap. After the first application of which he is convinced that he looks like Tom Cruise or Leonardo De'caprio or better both rolled into one. For years if not generations this soap is used by him till the point it barely resembles the postage stamp of Somalia (if Somalia happens to have one). A normal male believes the wrapper of a soap is actually the soap case which should last around it till the soap becomes a postage stamp or been thrown into the dust bean by the maid thinking it as an excreta of one of those Geckos (Chipkali for the benefit of state board chaps). If the soap survives it's full life cycle - till it becomes a postage stamp then the wrapper is destined to be rolled into a ball and thrown out of the bathroom window.

All those hand wash, body gels and other sundry items displayed in shops are only there to confuse the mind of a normal male which is 85% preoccupied by sex and rest 15% even more sex. Deodorants are things which are dearest to a normal male. It is more dearer to them than foreign aid and terrorists are to Pakistan. Any surgeon can safely ask his anesthetic specialist to go for a walk and take couple of inner wears or socks of a normal male to get his patients to deep unconsciousness. Normal male's washroom gives a more patchy look than Abay Kuruvila's bowling average. The enemity between a normal male and sweet fragrance can give envious shocks to Sarav Ganguli and Greg Chappel.

Other than this fictitious war against hygiene a normal male does so many other wonderful things. A normal male pays rich tributes to the tight ass who has invented beer as there is no need of any second opinion from any moron to suggest that beers are the second best thing happening to human race after the invention of pornography. The perpetual expectation that the next vacant seat is going to be occupied by a nymphomaniac super model with that ultra mini skirt, whenever travelling. Doesn't matter if the travel is via flight, train or the road transport bus in places where even Maoists won't fancy to go. A normal male believes tooth brush and saving creams are objects belonging to museums, not common populace.

I want to ask all those salesman turned hygiene preachers. Why you guys are doing this? Why you guys are making our lives a misery? When you failed badly in convincing us, you resorted to our respective wives to enforce your dirty thinking. You guys have done this to us before in case of Pasta and got away pretty lightly, but not this time. When half of the idiots struggling to figure out the difference between spaghetti and spireli (listen you guys, this is that flat bread like stuff with cheese on top), we don't need another nuance to confuse us more. Please spare a whole generation from your nonsense and let all male be normal males. Ohh..I wrote too much in one go. Bye, got to fetch my next beer can.

Mani Shankar Aiyar for sure left few folks around sports ministry fuming and red faced with his satire yesterday. Well as per Mani the whole statement was entirely on lighter vein but our news channels yet again picked the wrong end of the stick and made the so called lighter statement a major nuance for debate. The antiques that followed from Suresh Kalmadi is sheer stupidity. I am not sure if he had listened to what Mani had said but wasted no time in attaching Mani with the anti-national tag. Mr.Kalmadi definitely belongs to that dangerous class of people in India who believe, they can tag anyone with anti-national stamp and get away with murder. That's absurd, more so when it is from a senior member of parliament and the head of the so called organizing committee of this mega event.

Even if Mani said this in a funnier light but the grave realty in his words were far too small to ignore. I am no good fan of Mani, but I appreciate his idea of protesting against this mega spending. Over the years I have always seen him opposing this huge spending from the days he himself was the sports minister. My gratitude towards Mani increases whenever I see the huge amount that been spend on this 13 day nonsense and more so even after spending much more than we can afford the preparation is far from being a state standard, let alone world class. A sting operation by Times Now on the preparedness for the event speaks for itself. Scattered construction equipments. Unfinished stair cases all around the stadium. The sporting arena giving a deserted look with digging going all around. Swimming complex installed with those 1960 scoreboard. Least talked about those rain water puddled sprinting tracks (a single scattered Delhi rain did that) which gave more a swimming pool look than anything else is better. Is this how we are gearing up when we are barely left with 60 days to save our face Mr.Kalmadi?

The whole argument that events like these would boost our sporting circle is laughable. Either Mr.Kalmadi is acting funny or he doesn't carry any sense and doesn't know what he is uttering. I am not sure how much the game would boost our sporting circle but for sure it has propelled the bank balance of many crooks for sometime. The whole CWG thing has turned into a heaven for all those corrupt ministers, bureaucrats and whoever to get their hands full with whatever they can take away. This is yet another ploy to loot public money with ease and terming all those as anti-nationals whoever opposes this collective loot. Whenever asked what is the real progress in terms of preparation among these loots, we get to here the same routine narrative - Things are going as per plan and we would be ready by the time the D-Day arrives. Starting from Sheela Dixit to the peon at the CWG organizing committee office, all has to say this one liner. Let me assure you folks - we are not born yesterday and are not in a mood to suck yet another lollipop.

I wish chaps like Kalmadi should visit the interior villages of Sundargarh to see how these adivasies have kept our national game afloat all their own. Trust me there are players who could easily give the likes of Joe Stacy or Take Takema a run for their money on any given day. But raw talent is left to rot and fend for themselves with hand made hockey sticks, let alone all those astro-turfs or other hockey gears and sundry items. You don't need a better example than Deelip Tirckey from one such village. Just wondering how this money could have helped these players if it would have been spend directly on them with providing world class facility and equipment than spending on this 13 day farce. This is the real boost our sporting world needs Mr.Kalmadi, not 42 crore helium balloon showoff at inauguration function. Have you seen Mr.Kalmadi when Dhanraj Pillay cried in front of the camera and vowed not to make his son a hockey player? Have seen Limba Ram staying in the archery foundation's head's garage? Have you seen the asiad medal winning athlete selling chat & Panipuri in the very street named after him in Madhya Pradesh? If you say no, then I don't think you deserve to be the IOA president. For God's sake if you are serious about sports (not just syphoning money), then please take a note of these sports persons. Do you think this mega event is going to boost these sportsmen in any way?

Whether you like it or not Mr.Kalmadi, when you overshoot your budget by fifteen times and end up consuming 35,000 crore of public money, then you very much stand answerable. If terming guys like Mani as anti-nationals, who are trying to unearth the bitter and ugly corruption and money mending going on, behind close doors is your way of defending yourself, then I have no shame in calling myself as anti-national also and wish there would be millions of such unpatriots coming forward demanding an answer. Along with Mani, I would also be grossly disappointed if this game becomes a success and making road for future waste in the name of organizing Asian games or Olympics.. Hope God is listening.

Can anybody please tell me what's exactly happening for last few days in Gujarat? For a person of the lowest caliber and thinking capabilities like me the whole Amit Shah saga is getting murkier by hours. A better informed person of the likes of Teesta Setelvad can certainly be of great help.

For me, the whole thing is no better than the chaos of fish market, where one participant is trying to outsmart the other with his scratching voice box ending up throwing mud at each other. To begin with - was CBI sleeping for last so many months since the apex court handed them over the investigation baton? Instead of acting earlier our CBI thought to entertain us with a climax which only our celluloid can offer. Everything waiting till the last minute where the goon is supposed to be thrashed black and blue by the hero along with the reunion of long separated hero's family. You guessed it - just after that emotional reunion our police force arrives to shift the badly injured goon to the clutches of the law.

If data were to be taken seriously, then it was as early as March 19th that CBI first summoned Amit Shah to go for a round of interrogation on account of that alleged fake encounter case. As per media, post March 19th Mr.Shah was nowhere to be seen. He never attended his official duty or never even been seen using his official car. If this sudden disappearance of Mr.Shah has anything to suggest - then why CBI was dilly-dalling till the cut off date prescribed by the supreme court is barely a week away? Was it a deliberate motive of CBI to wait till the climax so that the whole arrest and interrogation drama brings in the maximum halla-bol and media coverage?

As every politician does even after getting caught with money stuffed in his dhoti or being photographed naked with a goat, Mr.Shah cried his innocence and blamed the congress for fabricating him in the case with the help of their foster son the CBI. Even if some claims of BJP about CBI of being a political wing of congress rather than a federal government's investigation agency doesn't hold water, but still the actions and activities of CBI of late are grossly ambiguous and disputable. When even a child can safely claim, guys like Lalu, Mayawati and Titler are seasoned crooks and might have committed every crime that our penal code talks about, our CBI thinks the other way and promptly gives them clean chits at strategically aligned times where the gain from these actions for congress is more than evident.

Keeping aside CBI or it's suitable full forms, the whole behaviour of Mr.Shah is questionable. Why he didn't appeared when he was first summoned in March? Why he didn't opted for an anticipatory bail back then? Why he was giving his official commitments a miss for so long? What he is trying to hide or from what he is trying to run away ? Having said that, the behaviour of CBI is murkier even. As per the law a man can be charge sheeted after being interrogated. But in this case that seems to have been conveniently forgotten by CBI. How in earth one can prepare a two thousand page charge sheet in three hours is still a baffling fact for me. Mr.Shah never turned up at 1 P.M on 23rd and by 4 O'clock the CBI was ready with a 2000 page document. A Guinness record sort of achievement I must admit. If somebody presumes the document was prepared well before then, the whole drama of CBI calling Mr.Shah for interrogation is a farce as rightly pointed out by BJP.

I can smell fishy as does many. In fact the whole Gujarat affair is fishy and was evident the day our Apex court snubbed Ms.Setelvad for fabricating witnesses in Gujarat riot case and making the witness parrot the prescribed lines and vomit it before the magistrate. In one of this rewind program in one media channel the same lady Ms.Setelvad was seen giving lecturer on ethics and how one should respect law unlike Mr.Shah. For God's sake can someone educate this lady to learn these aspects herself fast before becoming a prabachan factory?

I feel no harm in termed as a conspiracy theory believer but time and again I have seen, whenever the congress government is in soup there pops up one issue or the other to divert the attention. Let it be few firings in Kashmir or a train ramming into another or all the Shahs being arrested out of the blue. It might be a sweet coincidence but too many coincidences doesn't gel well in one's psyche.

It might be politically incorrect - but I do have a feeling Mr.Shah is just a step of the ladder to get to the big fish. Yes, bull's eye - Mr. Narendra Modi. Somehow from somewhere, the well wishers of India's best chief minister are in an effort to get their hands on any of the smallest clue which might bring Mr.Modi some embarrassment. I need not have to mention who those well wishers could be. For the benefit of the nation and law at large all stooges should be kept aside and and let the law (if it is as blind as it is been portrayed in those sculpture of justice) take it's own course and term. Let their be an unbiased enquiry into the whole issue and I am sure there would be enough skeletons in different cupboards for all to see. Can we expect this transparency and honesty from the Congress Bureau Of Investigation?

Basic knowledge and believes are in for a huge change, thanks to few legislators from Patna who are in a serious mission to change the age old concepts and to show the world how it is done. I mean seriously, how dare you use a chair for sitting? They are not meant for that. Are they? These chairs are for assaulting your fellow MLAs. If in the process you can uproot few mikes and hurl them along with the chairs and your pair of slippers for all good measures, then nothing like it. Now you know what is the real utility of mikes and slippers as well. The speaker is a smart fellow I must admit as he did a George Bush act and managed to give the slipper a slip at the nick of time. All in all the act enacted by these goons turned politicians on the floor of the Bihar legislative house would put all circuses to shame.

Now all this for what? The poor speaker suspended few unruly members for their so called un-parliamentary behavior. Till now I was thinking, the speaker is the only entity among the chaps who is virtually punching, scratching and hair pulling safe. Don't get me wrong - I didn't mean it is safe to pull his hair but rather he is safe from his hair being pulled. Along with the utility of chairs, mikes and slippers this concept of mine also received a big dent.

The climax to the saga was provided by a woman. A fuming, out of context MLC was seen throwing flower pots all over the place (and you thought chairs were dangerous). She finally managed to faint at the gate and promptly being transferred to the nearest hospital. When contacted by media for her entertaining adventure the lady threw some more tantrums (thankfully no pots were available beside the hospital bed). As per her - the whole thing was a smart plot to assassinate her and what ever shot put throw she did is for her self defence only. Another eye opener. We need a thorough investigation on this whole assassination plot. How dare these helpless plants and pots can plan to assassinate a respected MLC? We need to apprehend the mastermind pot among the lot. If possible we should ask the CBI to take charge of the investigation on this heinous act of the flower pots, much like the way Mayawati tried to indict few bees for sabotaging her rally.

Just few days back another house was in uproar. The difference was the absence of violence. Instead of hurling chairs at each other the dignified people's representatives thought of converting the assembly a cafeteria, Juhu beach, refreshment room and a washroom rolled into one. The pot bellied thugs were seen lazying around the floor rather than jumping at each other in an attempt to scratch out a handful from the already bald head. Much like the case of Bihar, these good for nothing nuisance MLAs were promptly thrown out of the house by the marshalls.

Jokes apart - don't you think, things like these are nothing but artistry of nonsense? Many a times I just sit quite and think, we must have done some grievous crimes on our past lives, that we end up having these sort of scoundrels as our representatives. As mentioned in Bhagbat Gita - we are just repaying for our sins. More than the slipper hurling the attitude of these crooks is baffling me. The very approach of them somehow suggests the care an ounce attitude towards the people who have elected them. Are we the voters are so cheap that we would be taken for granted so easily? To make a mockery of us the parties to which these unruly idiots belong did nothing more than showing a sorry face and condemning the act. Even Kalluram is getting condemned on daily basis for his drinking habit by his wife. But has he changed? don't believe, then ask my maid (wife of Kalluram).

When Amir Khan is still running all around the place to teach the general populace about good moral and behaviour through his 'Atithi Devo Bhava' stuff, I feel it is a different set of individuals who need this teaching more than any one. The chaps who were supposed to be the law makers and display some credible exemplary steps are seen tearing each other's kurta on the drop of a hat. Even the inaccessible speaker is not far from their flying slippers. Amir Khan should rush down to the rescue of these individuals than lecturing a spitting idiot or showing the whole world how a Kela wala should behave and how he should make a hundred meter sprint to return the change.

I always had an impression that, it is really tough to earn money, as they say there is no easy money. As per my school books, money should be a resultant of hard work and if by any chance you manage to earn few green leafs without breaking your sweat then it's not money but filth and dishonesty and money like these would eventually bring you bad luck and disharmony in your life. I believed and would have continued to believe the scribes on the books if not for that sports version Mercedes Benz which I saw in a glossy magazine page and am sure I can't lay my hands on her with how much hard work I might put on.

How in earth guys can afford to buy a Rs/- 50 Lakhs (sorry I am still using Rs/- as the new proposed symbol is not there in my keyboard) vehicle just like that? If I do some conservative estimate with help of my ever perpetual beggar mindset, the same amount would easily fetch you a decent 3 BHK flat in the posh part of any city and if you are that Bania type, then you need to venture out around the outskirts - it might just fetch you two 2 BHK flats. I admit a home is still a dream for we lesser mortals but it still baffles me how someone can spend this much amount in having a car where only four people can barely fit in? Is it the hard money we are talking about? Can anyone spend Rs/- 50 lakhs on car, if the money is laced with back breaking and sweat drooling hard work in every inch of it? Might be, but I doubt though.

Yes coming back to my wish of purchasing that beauty and dreaming (if wishes are horses...) of going for a long drive with my nagging wife beside me. Let me get out of the dreams- it's neither going to get me that car nor so my idiotic IT coolie job. To fulfil yet another of my unrealistic dreams I have to figure out a way which would give me quick and huge money (hell with those honesty nonsense).

How about opening a NGO? All I have to do is to get some registration done by bribing few ever hungry babus. Rent a two room house at the filthiest part of the city and get my nefarious nexus going through with few government organizations and ministry (again with some bribe & promise of a handsome share in the booty that I would be getting from the government for social work). There I go - I am ready to loot the nation in the name of some social service drama. Now I am feeling much better as I can see the car in my garage soon. Hope my wife doesn't turn into a certain Baba Ramdev out of no where and start giving me prabachan on honesty and ethics.

But the problem is - on what field and for whom my NGO would work? Social service for Old age entities, destitute women, child labours or for that matter even stray animals won't help much. The government would say there are not enough old chaps, oppressed women, child labour or stray animals left for another NGO to take care, as they all have smartly been taken care of by the previous NGOs. How about a NGO for environment? hang on my mistake - there isn't enough environment left to be nurtured at the first place. isn't it?

First I thought of going with a NGO for rape victims. Are you nuts, asked the women welfare minister. Don't you realize - we have already sanctioned so many NGOs in and around Delhi NCR region (specializing on rape victims), that every 3rd house in Delhi is one such NGO. In fact the number of such NGOs have already overtaken the number of rape victims and in the verge of over shooting even the number of rapists in Delhi. For a new sanction, either we need few fresh rapes in Delhi or a substantial increase in rapists in the capital, he added. Destiny seems is not with me as either of the possibilities is beyond my capabilities for sure.

Then I thought to dedicate this NGO for all those bashed up Bhaiyas in the hands of all Thakreys. The concept certainly impressed R.R.Patil. But dude, see to it that you yourself don't end up getting healed and counselled in your own NGO after being thoroughly bashed up by the same Thakreys for such an ornamental idea of yours', he warned. So foolish of me. How can't I see this clear and present danger. In the name of social service... err Mercedes Benz, I can't get bashed up black and blue. Earning money this way is harder than the IT coolie way I am currently doing.

Finally I thought of a NGO for all those harassed husbands in the hands of Ekta Kapoor. Believe me - charity begins at home, so does revolution. No sooner I disclosed my noble idea to my wife, I had to go through my phone book for the nearest hotel's number to order my dinner and potentially next morning's breakfast. Let me not mention those blood red eyes of my wife as according to her at one go I insulted her as well as the icon of the millennium, just by thinking about any such NGO, let alone making it a realty. Seeing the quality and spontaneity of the revolt in my own home, I dropped this idea as the last thing I want in my quest for the Benz is some Dharna, Rasta Roko, Bhuk Hartal and eventually a public apology from me.

I am in a fix guys. My dream is in your hands. Whether you want to see it blossom or want to crush it is your wish. If time permits please help me in deciding a domain which eventually would let my hands behind those wheels. For your generous suggestions I would love to share a good part of the booty - never mind as I am not bribing at all but a friendly deal. All those old chaps, destitute women, child labourers, stray dogs can very well wait.

Did he said 'Leisure' or 'Lazier' ? In either case things doesn't look very promising and far from giving any picture of seriousness. Yes you are right. I am talking about the latest jibes of Shah Mehmood Qureshi after yet another round of farce (read bilateral talks) with Pakistan. As expected the funny things started even before S.M. Krishna took his ass off the ground of Pakistan in that special plane from Islamabad. Even when his counterpart was taxing around the Islamabad airport to take off Mr.Qureshi wasted no time in calling a press meet and vomited words as directed by the army and ISI, perhaps on gun point.

The joint press meet that followed the 6 hour extended talks between these two leaders where the journos were been kept waiting, promised with some breaking news to telecast back home was funnier even. Hang on, this round of talk also going no where, I told someone, the moment Mr.Qureshi opened his mouth. I would say, either Mr.Qureshi seriously lacks the art of civic talks or he is another of those diplomatic casualties. In either case it is dangerous. Look at Mr. Krishna (another bolt on Indian diplomacy)- either he doesn't know how and what to talk or as per Qureshi he was waiting for the phone call from Delhi, directing him the exact words he should utter (Same as those set of jokers directing the 26/11 terrorists sitting back there in Pakistan).

There you go - we are talking about such a funny bilateral talk where one party talks too much nonsense (Qureshi) and the other doesn't feel like talking as if his voice box has suddenly gone for an evening walk. At the end what was the achievement - poor home secretary Mr. G.K. Pillai was stripped down to his basics in front of the whole world. More disturbing is the reaction or the lack of it on the part of Mr.Krishna after seeing his home secretary being humiliated in front of millions. Evident was the irrational attitude of Qureshi when he left nothing for debate and fumed like a mad dog as the facts narrated by Mr. Pillai earlier was beyond his digestion power. Mr. Krishna, if not for anything you utterly disappointed us on this front. How in earth some third grade, uncivilized individual can humiliate our home secretary and that too in front of you? Rather than reacting to his nonsense aggressively you choose to do a Jim Carry act - A frown, followed by a smile and third non descript mutation of the face.

Mr.Krishna, who had suddenly decided to go for a temporary Maun Braat during that joint press meet, did finally opened his volatile mouth once he touched down at Delhi. Please for God's sake don't prove the age old statement Mr. Krishna - "Ki apni gali main kutta bhi sher hota hai". Jolted with a sudden bout of love for Mr.Pillai, our opposition parties tried to rally behind the humiliated home secretary and asked for an explanation on the unspeakable non-reaction of our foreign minister on that press meet dais. As clownish as we can get - rather than accepting our lack of aggression even when we are provoked to the core, our ruling government did tried to play it down on the pretext that this latest fashion statement of Mr.Qureshi is just another diplomatic gimmick. Goodness me, when our government is so nonchalant towards the respect of our home secretary, we can easily imagine how considerate they would be towards aam-admi's sentiments or respect.

If all this is not enough, we are shamelessly inviting the idiot for another round of talks in Delhi around October. Just wondering who would be the bigger beneficiary, if at all these talks bear the desired fruit someday ? is it Pakistan or India ? And just look at the reaction of Mr.Qureshi after our invitation. He wanted to show the world who has the upper hand when he said - he would only put his foot on Indian soil only if India is interested in some meaningful dialogue, as he certainly don't want to come on a leisure trip. Congratulations to ourselves, as we yet again made a laughing stock out of ourselves.

All said and done, and if we are really serious about reaching to a conclusion via these talks then just wondering why we are talking to these clowns, when we very well know it is the army and ISI that calls the shots in Pakistan. It is a well know fact that the civilian government is only there to go around the world with a begging bowl in their hands for their survival as none would fancy providing financial assistance to the army or secret agency of a country. Keeping aside a set of perpetual beggars like Mr.Qureshi, if we are even an ounce serious about resolving the issue then we better talk to guys who matter in the scheme of things than talking to jokers of the likes of the Qureshis, the Gilanis who only know how to talk to the galleries than talking sense, as any other politician does. And hope, no more round of talks with these uncivilized entities.

Out of sheer habit I switch on my TV set early morning to get hold of any overnight breaking news that I might have missed while sleeping at the same time going over the morning news paper. Today can't be any different on that way but certainly different on the news that I got via the idiot box. Yet another train accident, with more than 50 dead (though the wreckage suggest the toll might be double than this) and hundreds injured and Mamta didi rushing to the spot somewhere from Delhi taking a much needed break from her ever so busy schedule of gun battle with the left. Honestly I was not expecting this horrific news as a breaking one within 60 days of Janeswari express accident, which also unfortunately unfolded early morning on the idiot box.

The nature and style of this particular accident reminded me the infamous Purusottam and Kalandi express collision back in 1993 where Purusottam express rammed into the stationed Kalandi express killing more than 300 odd individuals on that fateful night. Here the Uttarbanga express smartly rammed onto the stationed Vananchal express causing few boogies of Vananchal express fly out and land on the foot over bridge nearby. Though unlike the Janeswari express incident, the hands of Maoists or any sabotage is ruled out here, but still the whole thing is disturbing. It is more disturbing after hearing the whole sequence of events that leads to this collision as narrated in TV.

The scheduled departure of Vananchal express at Sainthia station is around 9 P.M in the evening, and the records suggests that the train did arrived at the station as per scheduled. It baffles me, if that is the case then what on earth made the authorities to keep the train stationed at the platform for more than 5 hours and let it go just around 2 P.M, seconds before the collision occurred? As expected when the concerned authorities are far from giving any concrete answers to this mystery few eyewitness claim the train was stationed as some vegetable vendors are busy unloading vegetables from the luggage van. Goodness me, are we talking about Indian railways or some personal property at the mercy of any one's disposal? If this is not good enough a reason to get you annoyed, then why Uttarbanga express, which has a scheduled stoppage at the said station was travelling at a speed more than 80 K.M/hour while entering the station is another mystery in itself. For sure it would take quite some doing in solving all these mysteries, counting the dead and writing consoling letters along with compensation pay cheques for the railways authorities.

Why our railways is so accident prone? Why we have the worst railways minister of the world at the helm? Why aren't we learning anything from our past mistakes? Are we really any serious in making our railways a bit more safer? There are enormous number of such uncomfortable questions for the railways authorities to answers - starting with Mamta didi and down. Our tracks are pathetic. We are still running with the mechanism of Mughal era installed by the Firangies. We do have, perhaps the laziest and grossly underpaid set of track maintaining staffs. No new technology used to ensure passenger safety which other countries are using. Our tracks are as easy to sabotage as snatching a lollipop from a kid's hands. Last but not the least our authorities are more confused than a baby in a topless bar when asked to clarify on all these short comings. And to top it all we have a railways minister who just doesn't want to shoulder her responsibilities and takes the railways as a stop gap arrangement for her and gives some time whenever she is free from her full time CPIM bashing.

Have you ever marked the chap flashing that filthy green & red flags at stations whenever a train passes? When the world has moved ahead leaps and bounds in using technology for passenger safety we are still waving those handheld flags as a safety barrier. Where is that much touted anti collision mechanism that the Railway ministry was boasting about few years ago? They boasted a lot, floated a tender and perhaps have eaten away a lot of public money in the process and conveniently slept over the whole issue. Ironically none questioned the subsequent development on that direction.

I was once fortunate enough to go to a routing cabin present at the starting of any station, where all signals are managed and so as the track alignment. Trust me the technology they use to make sure no wrong happens gave me a rude shock to say the least and made me wonder, if it is really judicious to travel in Indian rail. In the name of technology what they have is a simple circuit board having the root map drawn in the surface of it with coloured LEDs all over it depicting the signal tower positions along the track. Would you believe the whole system is run by a single 8085 processor? The modous operandi is funnier even. All they have in the name of communication system is a telephone to get the info from the previous station whenever they let go a train pass that station heading towards their station. Once these guys get that info, they get into there business of turning all the signal towers green to let go the train pass through and turning them red once the train passes a particular tower so that any train coming from behind would stop looking at the red signal. Isn't it funny? Knowing the capability of 8085, it is very much a possibility that the said processor can give in at any given time and throwing the whole system out of gear in a jiffy. More disturbing is the nature of all those switches used for operating the signal towers remotely. Would you believe the whole system operate on a simple 8 bit data transfer mechanism. Honestly the signal mechanism of the toy train system of Funschool is far superior than that of our railways.

Let me not talk about our tracks quality and physical safety that we deploy, as it is for any one to see and guess. I am sure for this latest accident yet another scapegoat in the form of, either a lines man or a guard would be found with Mamta didi honouring us with her ever so irritating Bengali ascent for few days and all would go to hibernation till the next accident occurs. In the mean time mothers would behave as if her son is going to the front to fight a war or something, every time her son travels in the railways and to thrash away any incoming danger, giving her son a spoon full of Misiti Dahi, as a gesture of good luck , before the journey begins (sometimes right on the platform). And conveniently as ever Mamta didi would go back to her den to over see if all rifles and bullets are in store with required amount for her next round gun battle with the CPIM and we lesser mortals running around life insurance companies before we board the train. Jay Ho ! indeed...

Declaimer :- The Content to follow are purely the author's opinion and his sheer bad luck to go through the torture that brought about the necessity to scribe this piece. None should take this as a general offence when the blog is never meant to offend at the first place. As the author is concerned about the security (his security) hence the the declaimer, or else there is no burning requirement as most of the north Indians might not be able to read (school & college are alien words for them) this- let alone understanding it. There I go...
===============================================================

My first encounter with North Indians dates back to quite sometime and the subsequent frequent encounters due to many of the unforeseen and unavoidable reasons and of late on daily basis (this is my fault though).

My visit to Varansi (Benaras) while I was doing my engineering was in fact my first visit to the north part of India and let me tell you I don't have very funny memories of the whole trip. No sooner I took my head out of the boogie at Benaras station to get off the beast, lightning struck me in the form of a saffron fountain of saliva (Yuk Thuu..). I don't know who did that artwork from the whole bunch of people rushing around in the platform but certainly I ended up having a T-Shirt divided into two parts with a thick layer of saffron mixture starting right beside my neck to the bottom. Looking at the volume of the stuff splashed on my T-Shirt, I am sure it must be a collective effort of at least couple of guys or else no person in earth can carry that amount of toxic substance in his mouth and still be alive. Must be the affectionate way of welcoming the visitors to the city I presume. I finally managed to reach my destination after a lengthy auto ride where the driver made sure I see the complete Benaras town and charging me a good Rs 200/- from no where. Thankfully he never charged me for that wonderful information he shared about a certain Babulaal Kachoriwala where I was supposed to get the best Kachori in the world near the ghaat.

Never bother about my other encounters with these chaps from the cow belt but let me assure you - none of them are pleasant the least. Anyone who has gone to Delhi and had that honour of travelling via a DTC bus can very well write a book on Hariyanvi conductors. For these chaps the decency in talking and the sanity of the words they use are immaterial or should I say they care the least. For them an entity from the President of India to the rickshaw puller are objects to be showered with their filthy words. Thanks to the metro few not so accustomed individuals like me are spared from this agony or else either you would get down of the bus much before your destination reaches or would feel like slapping yourself for deciding to go with the DTC option.

Look at their politically elected representatives. You don't need a more exemplary figure than Susri Mayawati (or should I say statued Mayawati ?) for reference. Do you? They elect leaders who would be hand in gloves with them in their nefarious activities as crime is the second best (of course first being chewing paan) thing they love to do. I never knew this but someone just confirmed that raping women is another of their favorite pass time. No wonder Delhi is the undisputed rape capital of the world. When they are all done with disturbing a whole generation they come up with some thing called the Khap Panchayat nonsense. There is only killing but no honour, but these self denial Neanderthal individuals think otherwise. Shamelessness goes to overdrive when these clowns go about chest beating about their marvelous acts of killing their siblings in the name of fake honour. Most have already given up hope that these guys would ever improve. Educating their daughters is also a strict no-no for these guys and for that matter education is never an important spectrum of life for these guys.

As of mine is concerned - I have a half north Indian family. She being from a Punjabi family and we being from the eastern part. When I say we, I don't consider me there as I am just that layer of cucumber in the middle of the sandwich. Sandwiched by both the cultures I am about to give in sometime soon. Being dildaar or so which these Punjabis refer themselves is one thing but expecting the whole world to be equally dildaar is quite an ask. No sooner you take that Paneer Pakoda from the plate in a party from no where this thundering laughter would come out giving you an impression as if the sky has fallen on your roof top. Before you could put that piece in your mouth with still your hands shaking post that laughter shock there would come this gentleman laughing all the way from a distance with both of his arms open to embrace you. What would follow for certain would beat the living day lights out of you, well for a lean and thin man like me at least. The tight hug would continue till the point you barely can breath all the while thinking what to do with the pakoda piece in your hand, that you took few minutes ago. You will be let off when you barely show any signs of movement. The moment you take the first complete breath in last 5 minutes, the affectionate gentleman still laughing would throw at you his questionnaire box, starting with - Aur sunao beta, kyese ho aap? Once he finds that -Aap achhe ho, he will enquire the same about your parents and possibly all your relatives known to him or he barely have heard about them, while continuing with his perpetual laughing in between the questions. Keep it in mind the pakoda would be still in your hand. These are the same guys who would dream Kareem's chicken at the mid of the night and would make sure to wake you off from your sleep to acompany them for a good time. I continue to suffer and guess have to suffer many years to come :(

All said and done, these are fellow Indians and best be accepted that way. But it is definitely an art to survive them. If you just can't manage to avoid them (like me), then you badly need to learn (I myself failed to learn it though) the trick of minimizing your pain as for sure - Crime or no crime, Rape or no rape, Over exposed affection or not, MNS anger or not. This is a race which either you can hate them, or love them but can't ignore them. Hope jokers like Raj Thakrey and team listening.

The legendary iconic figure who single handedly managed to carve out a Hindu kingdom under the nose of the Mughal empire with his sheer determination and courage must be turning violently in his grave of late looking at his followers and their out of context irrational behaviour. I am sure when Sivaji started with his quest to create an identity for the Hindus and Indians at large (not only Marathis) , perhaps at the most hostile period, he never had these stone pelters, Bhaiya bashers anywhere near for support (not that he wanted them either). The great soul must be turning in his grave - not entirely because seeing how idiotic the very Indians have become for whom he fought all his life but also to see a bunch of good for nothing, destructive, nonsense entities claiming to be his followers. The fighter who didn't lost to anyone, not even to the Aurangzeb is for sure would be feeling sorry and dejected for loosing finally to his so called followers.

The theatrics and tantrums both before the book on Sivaji was banned and most recently after our Apex court lifted the ban is good enough for an icon like Sivaji to go on a permanent exile. Does a man like Sivaji needs protection from these jokers? Does his stature so fragile that any Tom, Dick and Harry writing a book would malign that? Most important does a man like Sivaji deserves these problematic, good for nothing jokers as his followers? Answers to all three of them I am sure is a big 'NO'.

These so called goons turned politicians who believe it is only their prerogative to care for Sivaji and worse as if this iconic figure is their personal property should be confirmed in a hurry if they are at all aware of the ideology and philosophy that Sivaji carried all through his life. The funny act of these goons in past days is same as Kobad Gandhi shouting Jai Bhagat Sing while been escorted out of the court room without knowing an ounce what Bhagat Sing always stood for. These nefarious elements who doesn't have a vision much beyond pelting stones at everything for any reason and beating poor daily wage labourers, just because they don't belong to their community or state and then claim themselves to be the front row admirers of the great Sivaji is a shame in itself.

While these idiots leave no stones unturned in their chest beating exercise of showing off the whole world how much they love and adore Sivaji are actually the first ones who ran towards an institute dedicated and founded in memory of the great man and ransacked it to prehistoric era along with damaging valuable and priceless memorabilia of Sivaji. All this for what - only because the alleged book somewhere in a note of thanks has mentioned this institutes's name for sharing some details about Sivaji with the author. Honestly I haven't seen this kind of affection where the loving people went on a rampage to destroy the memorabilia of the very person they claim they love.

Not to be too far behind in their effort to woe the Marathi voters the ruling government thought of showing a thumb to the Apex court. If this is not enough they are planning to bring in a law where the offender of these iconic characters would be dealt with iron fist. God save these fools from making the whole nation a bunch of fanatics. Could these great thinkers clarify - who would decide if somebody did actually offended an iconic character or not? More important who should decide who are such figures need to be termed as iconic. Are not the chaps of the likes of Lalu Yadav, Madhu Koda, A. Raja, Telgi, Harsad Mehta, Sarad Pawar, Mayawati are all iconic figures for some section of the society or the other? Hence thanks to this new proposed law any comment or healthy political discussion on these seasoned crooks would automatically make you an offender. Even I could be the sorriest person and would be tried in Indian courts if I say Ekta Kapoor's Saas-Bahu stuffs are more dangerous than nuclear bombs for human race as I am sure there would be millions of housewives who would be gunning for me each with a legal notice in their hands for insulting their icon. Don't even dare to write bad against Dawood Ibrahim as you might just end up with both bullets and legal notices from all corners of Mumbai's underworld section. I can very well see the snubbing the government would get if at all they stick to their promise and go for such a bizarre law.

For a second if we give that poor author a benifit of doubt and admit his findings are facts then whats the big fuss about it? After all Sivaji was also a human being and it is very much natural for humans to commit mistakes and Sivaji can't be an exception just because he is Sivaji. When a certain Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi can go to a brothel in his younger days and we can digest that then what problem is there to admit or accept - Sivaji wasn't that great as being projected in our history books, if at all that is the case. Even if we are too much hypocrite to accept it and want to live in our own perception where others views are considered rubbish, still it seems grossly irrational to come to the streets and start pelting stones at the BEST buses and damaging national property.

If not for anyone, these self styled goons should refrain from damaging national property for the person they claim they have highest regard as he himself would have been utterly sorry, looking at these destruction on his name for sure. For once let Sivaji be at peace in his grave and build a nation which Sivaji has envisioned a thousand years back, which certainly is a prospering nation. Not a nation full with stone pelting idiots and vote bank grabbers.

If there were any doubts on how efficient we Indians are in multi tasking and making all the places into a multi tasking playground was cleared beyond any question mark by yesterday's exemplary compound display of chaos of our Karnataka opposition MLAs. What they achieved was worth lauding as they turned the state assembly a Cafeteria, a Recreation ground, Juhu beach and last but not the least a Washroom rolled into one. The very place which our constitution holds it by authority, the place where the law makers were supposed to be seated and discuss the well being of the nation was turned into a laughing stock and pain to those millions of voters who might have voted for these jokers to see their representatives behaving more irrationally than a bunch of school going kids. If just ordering evening snacks and tea and having them right on the floor was not enough, few able people's representatives thought to go a step further.

Do you remember the iconic photo of lord Krishna sleeping in a peculiar pose with goddess Laxmi politely giving a foot massage? There you are - A MLA bang at that pose, except no Laxmi to be seen anywhere near, right below the dais where the speaker was supposed to be and lazying around like a stray bull which we generally find on our city roads. Perhaps he was thinking to give a much needed Bedroom aspect to the assembly hall. Keeping the national shame apart, doesn't it represents our capability of using a particular designated place for different purposes? If you want to have some first hand experience of this phenomena, you don't necessarily be required to go to a state assembly. Go to any stadium owned by central sports bodies during marriage months, you would find one reception or other going there. Let me assure you - it is we Indians only who can conceive the idea of using a basket ball court as a dinning hall and more interestingly we are capable of implementing the idea. I have myself seen all the kith and keens of our ministers getting married at the Barabati stadium turning the outfield their personal lawn.

When we are going to improve? When we will stop ourselves being exploited by soda companies like Pepsi or Coca Cola? It is in India only we find hidden prizes under the cap of a Pepsi bottle in the form of a code which we are supposed to send to a certain number via a SMS to claim our much deserved prizes. I haven't seen Pepsi floating such generous offers on their mother land because they very well know that there when people go for a Pepsi, they just go for a Pepsi, period unlike in India where we love multi tasking and expect to win some 10 odd lakhs while having a sip from the soda bottle. And what we end up with - drinking as many soda as we can along with sending those many numbers of SMS, with a hope this code might just dump a large amount in my account or that motor cycle that this soda company promises as the last prize.

Look at the average housewife. There she goes. Playing a round of Antakshari with Tinku and Tinki, in between helping them with their math homework during Antakshari turns at the same time guiding the maid to keep a check on the spice and oil while giving tadka to the daal as oil and spice doesn't go down well with Dadi maa's acidity . Not to mention that idiot box running at the corner with barely audible sound flashing some funny Ekta Kapoor's saas-bahoo liver toxic waste. The bewildered and exhausted husband fresh back from office has to listen few good words about the next door neighbours and how fortunate it is to have them beside before he can expect a cup of tea. Keep it in mind the four activities mentioned earlier are still continuing.

Our taxi drivers are nothing short of multi tasking poetry. The right elbow bulging 2/3rd out of the window which he negotiates with his arm pit. A gutka pouch on the other hand. Left leg somewhat managing to touch the clutch paddle while the right leg tapping on the loudly playing Bhojpuri song in some latest Hindi movie song's tune. On the way ogling at the babe standing on the foot path. Kya Item Hai Boss- De Taali.

Just wondering how in earth we a country of a billion plus people still struggle to get our country's name on the medal tally at Olympics after having so much talent on variety of activities. I guess Common welth games 2010 might just give us that option to rectify all our below par achievements. Just add multi tasking as an event and then see the Gold Rush. Mr.Suresh Kalmadi - Are you listening?

Why can't we be little sophisticated, if not sober is all what I think whenever I travel by Indian Railways. When we are capable of sending an unmanned toy to moon, calling it as the Chandrayan and tout ourselves in the verge of manufacturing our indigenous Cryogenic engine, can't we think a better way to give our loos a modernised look in our Railways? If not for comfort at least shouldn't we develop a better disposal mechanism, rather than making all our Railway tracks along with the platforms perhaps the largest and longest toilet network of the world?

Anyone who had travelled via our Railways would have some reservation in calling those obnoxious looking small cabins at the end of the boogies as toilets. A steel base with a hole down which would help you see the moving tracks below when the train is in motion is far from termed as a toilet. All what the patrons left to do is to spread out above that hole and drop down whatever they can. The quantity is never a concern, so does the location. Thanks to this legendary loo engineering even a blind man can spot the Railway station in any city as the aroma of fresh drops on the platform would hit your nose the moment you are anywhere near 200 meters of the station. The beauty that this natural artwork adds to our already filthy Railway stations is for anyone one to see and worth appreciating. But to amuse all our Railway authorities think we Indians are sober enough (even when we are travelling) to read the scribes written on the door advising individuals to refrain from the dirty work when the train is in stations. That's too much of an expectation when we are not even considerate to our constitution and flaunt it in every level that too openly to agree to some idiot's suggestion written on the door panel. I have seen entities give their bladders and bowels a lock and eagerly wait for the stations to come, so that they can do away with their dropping exercise without bothering for the unwanted jerk that a moving train provides. In fact the toilets are found mostly occupied on stations with few more in line in the wait list to contribute generously to the beauty of the platform.

Other than the platforms this loo mechanism works as a mayhem for the general populace of the city who might have got nothing to do with the moving train or the entity inside the loo. Every time the train passes over a bridge in the city area the bikers apply their brakes as hard as they can and stop few yards before the bridge - A part out of respect and another part out of self respect. Our trains might be painfully slow but the stuffs flying out of it are oppositely faster. Even our over bridges have adequate size strategically placed openings to let the drops go through them with ease ornamenting the unfortunate individual on the road who might not be aware of this trick. Just wondering why to have bridges ? Let there be the old fashioned level crossings as the traffic comes to a grinding halt whenever a train passes over the bridge on both side, much like the level crossings.

Our stride towards having the world's largest loo network was cut short when Mamta Didi suggested something called green (I always thought them to be yellow though. My mistake) loo. I am not sure how far green we became but the whole idea failed miserably. After the green thing was announced I happened to travel in one of the trains which was marked to have a green loo on experimental basis. More than my journey I was excited to have that honour of having a glance at that green loo. No sooner I entered the loo, I was disappointed to see the same steel base with a slightly bigger (chances of toddlers going down to the track below) hole. Is this the green thing (a bigger hole) Mamta Didi was talking about, I asked the attendant. I don't know what I got as a reply but for sure I was more confused than I were to begin with and had that sudden urge of relieving myself down that hole to the track below.

Keep this in mind, the elaboration is for the AC boogie toilets. How devastating our sleeper coach toilets are is any one's guess. Can't we think of someway of storing the unwanted stuff somehow and getting them disposed on stations in some civic way? Perhaps we are capable of finding water on moon surface but not brilliant enough to contain this water and last nights rotten Railway food extract from flying out from all directions of our Railway boogies. Till we get to that green loo thing it's better to have a deodorant bottle handy while on stations or if at all you see a train going over a bridge stay away from it and pray to God that the things flying out are not fast enough to splash your face from that distance and you look more civilized when you are back at your home.

One great gentleman not long back suggested - Want to earn some real quick bucks in business? Head towards Kashmir. According to him there are in fact industries of stone manufacturing going on for some time. There are companies who either make or steal stones from the railway tracks, polish them so that it becomes handy. There are another set of companies which take the pain of transporting them to their customers (like the PDP or Huriyaat) on demand and of course there are these last set of young stars who are paid stone wise (the number they throw at the security forces multiplied by some x amount) for pelting them. It is good money and I can choose either of the three industries to invest my dough- Manufacturing, Transporting or Consultancy sort of job of providing manpower to hurl those stones, he added.

If the gentleman is delivering even one percent fact then no wonder why Omar Abdullah carries a perpetual sorry face (more expressive than Alok Nath) without any credible help or suggestion coming from anywhere. Even the senior Abdullah is more busy in Delhi and with his membership with IPL, leaving the kid Abdullah turning a cry baby quicker than any Saazish can erupt in those Ekta Kapoor serials. Our able CRPF and state police did what they best could do while the Abdullahs, the Mufties and the Lones did what they are best capable at - blaming each other and at times even bringing the Pakistani hand into the mess. The result of all these acrobatics did manage to kill 14 people in as many days. The Army was finally brought in yesterday looking at the sorry face of Kid Abdullah and grim situation in the valley which turning grimmer by hours.

Honestly I have got mix feelings on the news of Army being brought in to control the situation. Kid Abdullah can make his face more sorrier but the whole idea of Army back on Srinagar streets after a decade could just misfire or worse can backfire.

Traditionally Kashmiries feel alienated- thanks to our policies and our politician's attitude to keep the Kashmir topic alive for their own gain. If you look at the video footage, it is really disturbing to see teenagers barely in their twenties are hurling stones at the security forces. On a micro analysis you would realize that these are the same guys who would have born when Kashmir was at peak of it's boiling point and their whole life till now has gone through violence, atrocities, negligence, no governance and of course the terrorists. The volatile anger these chaps might be storing in their hearts for quite sometime just needs jokers and hawks of the likes of Huriyaat leaders and Mehbooba Mufti to catch fire in a catastrophic way. And that what exactly happened. I am sure the majority of these teenagers who are seen protesting violently might not be knowing for what they are protesting or on whom they are pelting stones.

Last year around this time when I was there in Srinagar on my way back from the Amarnath Yatra, it felt really refreshing seeing Daal lake at it's picturous best as shown in Kashmir Ki Kali. The lake full with rowing tourists and smiles somewhat back on the faces of those House Boat owners. For a change me and my wife decided to stay in one such boat where I got a chance to realize the first hand agony of a Kashmiri- the boat owner. The story of the gentleman stretches to the time of 1980 when he had to sell off his property to build this house boat to earn a living. No sooner the boat was on the water and operational, all hell went wrong with the first instance of cross border terrorism. Within months Kashmir was dried of the tourists and Srinagar streets being marched by Kalashnikov wielding individuals- either the security forces or the terrorists. Without any tourists or any other source of living in hand the gentleman at one point was in the verge of starvation and the irony was there were none to purchase his house boat even if he wanted to sell it off. I am not going to the details of his other hardships and how he just managed to brush aside death on close ranges on few occasions. But trust me the smile that was back on his face is worth a million.

Now, won't the re-entry of Army would wipe out that smile from his face? Does anyone can guarantee that the Army presence is just for a small period? Does anyone believe the Army could effectively trash away the stone pelters without resulting in more deaths? Even if the answer to the first question is definitely a 'YES', I am skeptical on the other two questions.

Doesn't the then government assured the Army presence would be for minimal days when they first were brought in early 1980? But what resulted is for all to see. They were kept there for twenty years throwing the general populace of Kashmir out of gear and thanks to our bad government policies which created enough mess and deaths in those twenty years which would at least take three generations to clean up. We are cleaning it for last 20 years and let me assure you it is far from being over. To be assured of the effectiveness, you don't need a better example than Israeli Army. They are trying to neutralize the stone pelters on the Gaza street for last couple of decades and I would be optimistic if I say, they have managed to curb down 5% of the nefarious elements. So how effective our Army would be is any one's guess.

So why this fuss Kid Abdullah and Mr. Chidambaram? Rather than bringing the Army to the streets which is not their job, can't you guys just drag out all the hawks and separatists from their habitats and punish them with utmost sincerity? Army can temporarily diffuse the tension but for long term stuff we need all the trouble makers to be brought to the book. As in there is no short term solution to Kashmir but only long term as 30 years is definitely not a time which you can call sort.