Being Cynical

The Encyclopedia of Britannica is planning to change “Pandora’s Box” with the CWG: 2010. Just when you think the controversies are over and we would concentrate on the core thing – that is the Games itself and the athletes, another controversy pops up which would again make a lot of noise. If you look closely, all these controversies that erupted in the last month or so, 60% of them are just blown out of proportion by the media and individual idiots like me. For example, the hue-and-cry about the organizing committee members pissing all around, in open air inside the Games village. Frankly it is out of habit and the way we used to address our nature’s call. It is as good as making an issue if Americans wipe their but with a piece of tissue after their potty as we Indians use a barrel of water for the same act – that is cleaning our butt. Well I am not complaining though as it is supplying ingredients for yet another article.

The latest of the bizarre controversies that popped-up is – who is going to announce the games open? Before we go into the details, I have a fundamental query – why in earth you need such a condemned game be announced open anyway? For God's sake, just be done away with it without any further farce. Well this question would be considered fair bit radicalism in diplomatic and sporting circle. The norm for such mega events is to be opened by someone you idiot and we are not going to change that this time either. So opening is must. Fair enough – go ahead and open it. Where is the problem? And where is the issue? The problem is you dumb head – who is going to open it? But isn’t the Queen being the head of this so called wretched Commonwealth should announce it open? That’s where the problem mates. The poor lady for some strange reasons is not traveling to India and instead sending her son Charles to do the honors.

Charles- who? You ignorant brat - he is none other than the Prince of Wales, Charles. The, K.G. The legal heir (well almost) to her Majesty the Queen. So what? By the way what is that K.G tucked behind his name all about? Like some educational qualification – Kindergarten or something? Look at the funny British media, accusing us Indians being visionless. While their royal family is not yet sure, who is going to hire the crown after the demise of the Queen we at India are almost ready with our hire to Prime Minister’s seat. Not yet 40, bespectacled, talks in silken voice and he is not even a K.G.

Let’s not go out of the topic. Now why that Charles or whoever would open? Because the Queen herself has written back to apologies for her absence and confirming that it is her son who would open on behalf of her. Hang-on. Something is fundamentally wrong. Queen being the head of the Commonwealths (thanks to Chacha Nehru again) has got all authority to open the Games, but who has given her the liberty to outsource it? If she can’t come then she could send her husband instead. But why this Charles? Why we have to bear this gentleman in the name of the Queen? The person might be a K.G , P.G or whatever, that hardly matters and this flaunting of colonialism should best be practiced in Britain, if they want to but not outside. We have a simple request – Madam, if you can’t make it then it is absolutely fine as we ourselves are not too eager to welcome you anyway. But that doesn’t mean you outsource your responsibilities at your will for which you have no authority. Today some Charles, tomorrow it could be your horse and your dog on the third day. So please refrain from exercising your unnecessary powers which you are not entitled to it. Thank you so very much.

Now Charles the K.G is being snubbed off. Who is next inline to open? Kalmadi? Hell no. It is our president. That’s pretty much makes sense. I think even in the presence of the Queen, it should always be the state head of the hosting nation announcing the opening of the Games. And the last set making any noise on this arrangement should be the snobbish jack head British. If it was fine for the king of Malaysia to announce the Games open back in 1998, even in the presence of the Queen herself, then it’s perfectly fine for our president to repeat the same. More so, when the Queen thought of outsourcing her responsibilities to some Charles. Gone are the days of colonialism as each of the members of Commonwealth are sovereign nations. Showing respect to the Queen because of a historical baggage doesn’t anyway suggest we should continue to tolerate her jibes and vibes. I won’t be surprised if after the demise of the Queen someone out of the British royal family becomes the Commonwealth head. You certainly can’t find a better person than Nelson Mandela for this post. I am sure many countries would have some serious objections of Charles becoming an automatic hire to this position.

Now please someone educate the spokesperson of the British Royal family, who was fuming all over the media yesterday. He was trying to be at his humorous best when he pointed out all the bad pictures that’s been published about CWG and how fortunate Pratibha Patil is to get such huge roar (out of nowhere) in favor of her. As per him when Pratibha Patil was elected as president many had their dissatisfaction shown openly. Now such foolishness is not expected from the spokesperson of the so called royal family when he gets confused with the president’s chair with the person sitting on it. Anyway – we can’t expect much rational behavior from a bunch of creatures still confined in a colonialism cocoon. On a second thought – Forget our president, forget that damn prince. Why not allow the architect of this whole mess, his highness and holiness, the one and only Shri Shri Suresh Kalmadiji to do the honors?

Enough mud is thrown at our face for the poor organization of CWG and our ability or the lack of it to organize such mega events. Mud was thrown both from the international communities and our own homegrown frustration at the same time. Countries like Antigua, Lesotho and Suriname, which we never knew existed, are giving us lectures on management and professionalism. Hope we learned our lessons and move ahead and do something so that such things don’t get repeated. Now it’s time we forget what we did or didn’t and pray to be done away this wretched Games somehow without inviting further humiliation.

It always boils down to the basics at the end of the day. doesn't it? Honestly, the CWG just projected us Indians in terms of the un-imaginable corruption level on the world platform. When the world discovered this just recently we were aware of it from ages and did nothing about it. Hence we learned this lesson the bitter way. Because this is an international event, all the dirt came out in the open and people started washing their dirty linen in public to protect their own ass. Think about what goes on day-in and day-out in all our government offices. Aren’t we aware of the rampant corruption and the daylight robbery that we are almost used to? Don’t we guys face this corruption in our day-to-day life, most of the time negotiating with it? Aren’t we guys corrupt in every field – from production of baby foods to our moon mission? Have we done anything to get rid of this malice? Have we ever cared, in what form we are going to present our nation to our next generation? Certainly not a nation full of corruption, deception, incompetence and above all full of jokers. The Commonwealth Games is just a mirror which showed us the true picture of where we stand as a nation and served as an alarm bell for all of us to get out from our deep slumber. If still we will push the snooze button and go back to our sleep then we are for sure heading towards a disaster.

The Kalmadis or the Bhanots are just clones of us Indians. These are Frankenstein created by us only. Corruption is the call of the day for most of Indians. Either we are corrupt or make others corrupt for our gain. Have to wait 3 hours in the queue for my driving license form deposition? Hell, no, get hold of a tout and pay him Rs 300/- and get your job done without moving your butt from your Air-conditioned rooms. Have you ever noticed how we have to grease the already greased palms of the Babu to get our Ration-card application through? Even to grease Babu’s palm we might have to grease the palms of his peon to begin with. Irony is we do it with ease and without much fuss. Shamelessly we have made a mandate – want to get your ration-card. Total extraneous cost is Rs 500/-. Hundred for the peon and the rest for the Babu. To expect your pregnant wife to get the basic and required attention, you have to bribe – starting from the mid-wife to the doctor. The ambulance guys ferrying the critically ill patients are no exceptions. Hell, who cares, who dies or who lives another day. Driving you from here to hospital is what Rs 200/- we are charging. But before blaming any of these vultures – just sit and introspect. You will find all these rascals are our creation only. It’s just those jokers like Kalmadi and Bhanot climbed the corruption ladder a little too quickly and displaying our true color on international forums. But on ground reality – Given a chance, all of these vultures are prospective Kalmadis and Bhanots.

The lack of accountability and no fear and respect towards the rules of the land is what propels all of us turn corrupt on the first chance that comes across. The frustrating part is that we Indians have taken this incompetence and corruption as part of our life. We are so corrupt that we even haven’t left our God out of it. We try to bribe God in the name of Puja and we even bribe to fix the biggest of our social institutions – our marriages, in the name of dowry. To top it we even get envious on the mother who boasts about the amount of dowry her son fetched and how we equate the truck full of goods been sucked out forcefully from the girl’s hapless parents to the caliber (‘Auquat’ in Hindi) of her son. More than feeling jealous on the guy who marries without dowry, we start to doubt on his standard and caliber (both economically & physically). This is how we are bankrupt in our social values and corrupt to the core. Uncountable numbers of brides are burnt alive in the name of dowry every year but none cares a penny for it. I won’t be surprised if a section of the society vouches in favor of these heinous acts. This is where we stand in our moral values. So among all these nonsense and scoundrels why blame Kalmadi and Bhanot alone? They just showed the world our collective pictures.

Big words like – zero tolerance towards corruption, won’t take us anywhere either. Let’s face the reality. There is no country in the world which is corruption free, for that matter the Vatican or Pope’s palace administration team can’t be an exception. But there is a catch when it comes to India and corruption. Even if there is considerable amount of corruption in China, they deliver among all this or they execute the person. But in India, neither we execute the project nor the person responsible. We are so corrupt by now that we might just need a similar clean-up job that China did back in 1978. Make a list of all those who are corrupt (proven or otherwise) and execute them mercilessly. I know this act of ours might disturb our social fabrics, but it’s better being hounded by this malice every now-and-then than just get rid of it at once. As such already our tiger population is reduced to 1410 as Shera reportedly fled the country out of shame. So let's change ourselves for better for our national animal at least.

Let me admit and repeat this at the outset- Hate is a strong word but I can't help it much.

Naming Conventions
In India the way our politicians want to leave their mark after their departure sucks. It sucks because they don’t want to leave it by their good work but the Indian way. There you go, name a city, street, a bloody chowk, a designated red light area or for that matter anything – you become immortal. Never bother if you yourself couldn’t accomplish it, as out of nowhere you crashed head-on with a speeding train at your ripe age and made your way to hell, heaven or wherever. Just make sure you leave behind a handful amount of Chamchas to do it for you. If not anything they can at least manage to get a Sulabh Sauchalaya named after you.

From here go straight and take a left turn at Mahatma Gandhi Chowk. Then you will be on the Jawahar road. Go straight and take a right at the Indira Gandhi circle and keep moving till you cross the Rajiv Gandhi Bridge. Just after the bridge take right and go for a kilometer or so on Firoz Gandhi road and then at the Sanjaya Gandhi Chowk ask the auto drivers – ‘Yahan Lucky Singh ka desi daru ka adda kahanpe hai’. Come on, I am not supposed to remember the names of the last seven generations of a family to get my Desi daru bottle. I better quit drinking in that case.

These naming conventions also have a fundamental problem. Out of fear of the Chamchas and the subsequent bandh, dharna and morcha, the authorities keep on changing the name as it suits the current demand. Now you are not sure (which you were 15 minutes earlier) what is the bloody name of your neighborhood Chowk anymore. Much like the way these terrorists’ organizations are. Today they are one Lashkar-E-Taiba and tomorrow they are a certain Harqat-UL-Mujahideen and then even their mothers don’t know what they are anymore on the third day. So don’t be too disturbed if at times you fail to furnish a static home address to your friends, giving them the impression of you being a refugee.

Indian Marriage
Marriages are made in heaven but turned torturous in India. It is not only torturous for the couple getting married but for a whole lot of people involved in the mega event. Most of the times, it is even torturous for half of the city population. Its time our police throw their 3rd degree methods out of the window and threaten the anti-socials to get them married instead.

The torture starts as soon as the prospective mother-in-law announces – ‘Hum Ladki dekhne jaa rahe hain’. This Ladki dekhna phase is horrible, with a million getting involved in it and a trillion others having an opinion or two on the last Ladki that been seen. Forget all those Laddu, SarbatSamosha served during that Ladki Dekhna act. Now when finally the marriage date arrives, half of the city is taken hostage starting with your local neighborhood. All within a 500 meter radius of the event location are forced to stay indoors – thanks to that huge, out of the world size SamianaMamaji. No bloody living being can move-out.

The marriage procession is one hell of a thing. The mad dance, as if it is the last day they have left to live and half of the city’s grog consumed in one hour. Let’s not discuss the noisy Patakhas that goes off. Let the street dogs tell this part of the story. Now best is the way these Barats bring the traffic to a dead halt. Thanks to our narrow roads – no one can overtake the Barat nor can anyone cross them from the front either. Result - a huge tail of vehicles following the Barat at snail’s pace. Think about a person like me and thousand others, who are just out of their offices after a day’s slog and in a hurry to reach home to see men in blue bat before they get bundled out below 147. But thanks to someone committing suicide, we are held hostage and by the time we reach home, all that we have in the match is- Harsha Bhogle looking sorrier and Ravi Shastri lashing out at our pathetic batting display and as usual our team booted out unceremoniously from the championship. You are getting married, congratulations, Mubaraq Ho – go ahead kill yourself with pleasure but can we lesser mortals be spared? Please don’t make us feel like a bunch of un-invited guests in your party. Sukriya.

Red Tapes
No, I am not referring to the Lal-Salaami. I am talking about our Sarkari machinery (All Babus and the peons) and their strong affinity to protocols, the moment you ask them to do their duty. Getting your work done through them is tougher than expecting one of the CWG stadia roofs not to crash on our heads on the inauguration day itself. But there is an easier way though – Just bribe them and those protocols would very well go for a walk. That’s a different debate and we are not going there. On a second thought there isn’t much difference between the Lal-Salaami and our Sarkari

Trust me, these bunch of non-descriptive creatures are more pathetic than those Call center guys, when it comes to parroting out a stanza. The other day I had gone to complain at the local municipality office for a clogged up drainage system in my toilet. Before I could finish, the retaliatory questions started. When I failed to answer the chap on the details (like how it happened, when it happened. Did I figure out after my potty or before? Is it me or my wife who noticed it and hell lot of other details) of this clogging he perhaps did which I was least expecting he would do. Sample laa shakte hain kya? Dekhiya bhia, yeh to hamara process hai. Sample? Of what? The floating shit on the potty? Or I would take a picture of the catastrophe in my cell phone and show it to him. Does that guy look like having a brain from his acts? More than him I want to hound out the guy who led-out these wretched process.

Nobody knows better than Viswanathan Anand, how big a pain in the butt our red tapes and protocols are. Poor chap is so frightened that he is even carrying his passport while visiting the loo.

Indian Sarkari Forms
Think of any Indian Sarkari form, you will plan to pack your bags and move to Himalaya to pursue your Yaogasana. If you are reading this piece then you haven’t yet filled any Sarkari form as I am sure there are no internet connections at the far corners of the Himalayan range. I could be one exception to go through the nightmare (filling the Sarkari forms) numerous occasions and still be alive and available to write about it.

Any damn form you pick, you would find it asking you a hell lot of details which are no way related to the service that you are asking for. It still baffles me (as I yet to get a reason) that what my Grandfather’s home address has got to do with the latest BSNL sim I am applying for? Could we for once leave the dead at ease and don’t disturb them for anything and everything. Just than disturbing my Grandfather the form asked a lot of details about the stuffs that I have in my house. To my surprise, they stopped just short of asking me about the colour and brand of the innerwear I was putting at that moment. Not that they didn’t wanted to but because it could be a little embarrassing for female applicants, I guess. Men like me can still furnish those details, if it is a necessity for our Sarkar to know but females won’t be that patriotic.

The different clauses (must be a billion of them in any form) are most irritating. More than the number the inter-relationship between these clauses shows the misconception that our Sarkar is carrying - All applicants are Rocket scientists. If clause A of sub-para -‘Local Contact’ is filled then details of clause C-1 of para-2, page 5 subsection ’III’ must also be furnished. I better go and do research to prove Einstein’s theory of relativity wrong. and erected in your locality on the stubborn guidance of your loving machinery.

Just when you think you have seen the last joker of the Commonwealth Games organizing committee, someone would come forward and prove you wrong. The latest addition to this illustrious list is Lalit Bhanot. From Scam to Sham, from Game to Shame, it seems we have it all in our endeavour to organize the so called best CWG ever. This is turning out to be a melodrama which could even send all Ekta Kapoor’s serials packing. The antiques and our responsibility-ducking attitude has yet again brought a truck full of shit and a whole lot of shame to our nation.

What was initially thought as a scam (Indians shouldn’t complain, as scams are in our blood) has turned out to a grand scale deception. I am now sure of their modus operandi – Keep on dragging your feet and don’t act till the point someone presses the panic button. Then the last minute the Jugad funda of us Indians would come into play and funds would be released. No questions asked and then it’s all about filling our pockets and fooling a billion plus population. If it was not an attempt at deception, then why was the media was shown only few selected Games village towers 10 days ago? Why were rosy pictures drawn before all of us? When reality came asking about its legitimacy, 10 days later we have fallen apart like a pack of cards. Suddenly all are critical about the Games, including the two Mikes (Hooper & Fennell). When the same pair was all praise for a brilliant Games village 10 days back, why are they critical now? Why are they running around with threats and giving us 24 hour deadlines to clean our posteriors or forget the Games? For sure they are not on drugs, as far as I know. Uncomfortable but these mandatory questions need to be answered in a hurry.

Let’s see how it all started and what Mr.Bhanot has to say when the CWG directors turned psychotic about the hygiene factor in the Games village. Instead of accepting the flaws he tried to teach all of us the theory of relativity in terms of hygiene. I am not sure how violently Albert Einstein would have turned in his grave. This brilliant attempt of his which might not necessarily win him a Nobel Prize left all of us high and dry. His statement was bizarre, ridiculous, disgusting and shameful – all at the same time. Does he have any idea that the whole world would be watching him blabber and would be dropping to the floor laughing at us? What he meant, when he said we have our hygiene standards and they have theirs, is out of my wavelength. Does he want to suggest that we Indians are filthy and living in dark ages without an idea what hygiene is all about? Does he want foreigners should come teach us about hygiene? Does he want to say that we are Jaahil and uncultured as a nation? You might be thick skinned Mr. Bhanot but for rest of us, your jingoisms are shameful to say the least. Forget the scam, forget the incompetence – for this bizarre statement of his, he should be sacked at once.

If you think you are done with all the gimmicks then look at another genius – Maj (Retd) Dalbir Singh (Games village mayor). When hounded with the same hygiene questions, he was clueless and was at sea to say the least. I can’t elaborate what he said about various factors, as nobody can. So I better just list them one by one

1. Dogs sleeping inside athlete rooms – The fault of the MCD. The dog catching team was asked for but yet to report. So the stray dogs can jump in and take an afternoon nap on the same beds where athletes are supposed to relax. For God’s sake run after anyone you like, but don’t poison these innocent dogs for your ego. If anyone deserves a hefty intake of poison, are you guys.

2. Paan spits on the wall – The workers are all from UP & Bihar and fond of their Paan and Gutkha. So they might have done this artwork. Ask them instead of me, as I myself don’t consume them nor I have spit all around. You know what Mr.Sing – Somebody better hang you upside down in one of those village lamp posts

3. Messy and filthy rooms – Even when you occupy your own flat for the first time, it generally is messy. So we citizens shouldn’t blow our ass for this small reason. Oh really? Then should we ask all the athletes to come here along with their Jhadu, bucket and pocha lagane ki kapda? That would pretty much settle the case and solve the problem.

4. OC guys pissing all around in open air – Its nature’s call and one better be disposed to the nature directly. It is a matter of individual’s choice. You might like Western toilets but I might prefer visiting the nearest paddy field with a lota in my hand. You know it’s all about comfort levels. This is another theory of relativity in terms of shitting. And Albert Einstein turned violently again.

5. Algae in water tanks – Hmm..Where am I? Main kaun hun? Barah baaj gaye kya?

It was for sure a bad day and the best was reserved till the last. Out of nowhere a foot overbridge near the Jawaharlal Nehru stadium gave in. This eventuality made the queen of the opera to come to the stage with her polished Miranda house accent. How I can forget her flamboyant cotton Saree? When asked how each day a new bloody thing can happen to the CWG, this is what she has to say – The foot over bridge was for the aam admi (so shouldn't be attached with CWG), not the players. So? Aam aadmi can die as long as you can save your back from the CWG ghost? Mam, can you imagine what would have happened – if few athletes were right below and the bridge crashed on their heads? Don’t bother how many of the aam addmi the bridge might take along while crashing on the poor athletes’ heads. As per her, the builder is black listed and some bloody enquiry would be carried out with reports expected in three weeks. So for next three weeks we shouldn’t bother her by showing our filthy and unhygienic faces. Let me admit – I am still in dilemma, whether to cry or laugh on these stupid statements. To top all this, a section of the roof in the wrestler’s arena of the Jawaharlal Nehru Stadium collapsed, and the Delhi CM, Ms. Sheila Dixit’s riposte was that small things keep happening. How shameless one can get baffels me.

The Games are fast turning out to be more irritating than anything. It is only because we have walked (read fooled ourselves) too far, we have no option left but to save our face and restore some respect of our nation, which was badly maligned by few crooks. M.S. Gill can promptly walk away from the cameras (no single word uttered) without taking any responsibility or even bothering to explain how he allowed so much mess to continue for years altogether. But we are not shameless like Mr. Gill and continue to pray our typical Indian Jugad might just see us save our already blackened face and red ass a little, one more time. I will offer a coconut at the nearest Ganpati temple from my side, if we manage to do so. But on a second thought - why can't all these rascals go somewhere and hang themselves instead? Skunks!

I know hate is a strong word, but I am sure there are many who would agree that each of these items is capable of irritating the living daylights out of you on any given day and most of time make you feel like banging your head on the next pillar available.

Neighborhood Aunty

The more you talk about them, the lesser it seems. They follow you from your childhood days, till the point, either you are dead or alienated in some barren island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Just when you think you had your share of scolding from your father for the latest achievement scripted in your progress report, there she pops from the woodwork. You know bhai sahab. Kids are concentrating more on the cricket matches than studies. Look at Varun (her son), only got 94 in Maths this time. Is this a mark? His father is furious and giving him an earful for last one hour. By the way how he (pointing at you) has fared?

Now you know what’s coming your way for getting a mere 62, that too with the help of 5 marks added by default for a wrong question. As you grow up, the aunty will get a bigger sphere to poke her unwanted nose. No sooner do you get your job; aunty gets employed into her full time job of worrying for your marriage. Even more concerned than your parents. Beta aab job bhi lag gaya.Shaadi karle, aur wese tere baal bhi kam hone lage hain. Achii ladki nehin milegi. It is only in India that a non-family member can worry so much for your matrimony as well as your disappearing hairline at the same time.

Auto Rickshaw

An orchestra of tragedy on Indian roads. I feel the vehicle is similar to Vikramaditya’s Sinhasan. Just as anyone sitting atop displays unimaginable IQ, the same is the case with these vehicles – Anyone driving these bloody machines is bound to drive rough. I still remember my tutor’s words while taking my driving lessons – Son, watch out for three things on the road. Women drivers, stray dogs and the auto rickshaws. They can come from any direction at any time without giving slightest of hint or warning. The drivers are equally notorious as the vehicle itself, if not more. What they believe is that their vehicles are not fitted with a 200 CC engine, but a cryogenic engine instead. What else can describe the effort to drive a highly unstable vehicle at breakneck speed? They are equally notorious in their direction sense. They can show their hand to the right and would take a left turn or worse won’t go anywhere but stop right there. Most of the time you would wonder – is there a human inside who is driving or a demon? Don’t go too close to them to verify though, or else your wife might very well have to search your cupboard for that life insurance policy paper. It must be easier driving in India than in Chicago, asked a friend from US. Only if we didn’t have these nuisances, I thought.

Indian (Traffic) Police

Indian movies have done their bit, so I am not talking about their corruption attributes, but their comic avatar. The most wicked among the lot are the traffic police chaps. At times I wonder, if they are posted there to control the traffic or to add more chaos. More than the traffic, they are interested to make some quick money by catching hold of a few erratic drivers. They won’t be seen on the roads but chewing a big Banarasi paan and hiding behind the paan shop like a cunning fox. As expected, we Indians are a big nonsense, if not controlled. At some point of the day one smarty pant biker would look to his left, and then to his right and the moment he is sure there are no traffic cops watching, he will give the traffic lights a miss and drive along while it is still red. Poor chap, how he could possibly know that - there are foxes hiding behind the adjacent paan shop for precisely this mistake of his. Now the hiding foxes would emerge from the paan shop and start chasing their pray, much like the way shown in National Geographic- where a group of wild dogs chase a rabbit. Along with being the masters of disguise these crooks are adept at bargaining also, which could easily put the Palika Bazar shop owners to shame. Most of the time they would start with 800 as a fine but will settle at 100, all the while taking out the Chalan books at least 10 times during the discussion. God knows which came first – corruption or Indian police?

Statues

Nothing personal but a general grievance against these statues. It seems, to show our gratitude; the only way we are left with is to erect a statue of the person. It is stranger to see even individuals erecting their own statues to show gratitude to themselves. First they take a lot of space and add to the chaos of our ever growing traffic. It still would have been Ok, if we had a huge ground, where all statues were erected, but for some strange reasons, the statues are only to be erected in the middle of the heavy traffic junctions. Erecting them does come with a cost, which is grossly unnecessary and the subsequent cost incurred in maintaining (re-coloring, taking out the pigeon shit and garlanding during the birth & death anniversary of the person erected) them is always recurring. If at all at some point the authorities decide to remove the statue, it would invite Dharna, Morcha and Bandh from the supporters of the person erected. Worse, more often than not, it would lead to a riot. So, why erect them in the first place and then tolerate them for the rest of your life? Let’s not be too intellectually bankrupt and find better ways to adore our heroes than just erecting a damn statue and forgetting hence after at the mercy of pigeons.

Load Shedding

If you are still reading this article, then you are lucky enough to be at a place where there are less power cuts. Someone said – our electricity department is so notorious that it can induce power cuts even when there is no power supply to begin with. The power cuts in a day can very well overtake the saazish that erupts in each episode of any Ekta Kapoor’s serials. Most frustrating is when – Tendulkar lobs up a skier and the fielder is about to take a running catch. Your TV screen blackens out and by the time it returns men in blue are already 5 down. No clue on what the hell happened to that skier of Tendulkar or how the hell other four fell after that. Calling your nearest fuse call office to enquire is less effective than howling at Pakistan to control the breading terrorists there. Either no one would pick the call, or if at all one do, you will feel sorry for yourself, on why you called.

Omar Abdullah is in a fix and we don't need any rocket scientist to confirm this. Whatever is happening in Kashmir since the beginning of June is certainly embarrassing for the peace loving (those few who really want the state to be normal as any other state is) Kashmiris and democracy at large. So who is at fault? Omar? Or Mehbooba Mufti? Or the separatists like Gilani? Or our Kashmir policies? Or Kashmiris? Or as usual our great grand lady Indira Gandhi? Something is wrong somewhere and it certainly not going to get covered up by becoming an Ostrich. Farooq Abdullah can keep on singing the famous number - 'Papa Kehte Hain Bada Naam Karega', doesn't matter.

For the first time in my life I tend to agree to what Rahul Gandhi said about Omar yesterday - He is young, little immature and for sure wants his state to get normal and grow like any other state and genuinely wants well for his people. So terming Omar as a liability is too premature. Bull's eye- couldn't agree more, Rahul. I feel sorry for Omar. Rather than putting the blame squarely on him, we should appreciate that he at least showed some courage while taking the CM's seat of the most volatile state of India. More than anything, it is his own people who betrayed him big-time. Omar has now learned how tough it is to lead a state where the majority of the populace carries an anti-India centric psyche. I might be grossly wrong on this conclusion though. But the little time that I had spend in Kashmir and my interaction with people there, doesn't give me the confidence of them being too patriotic about India.

After touching down at Srinagar, for a change my wife and I decided to stay on a houseboat. It is comparatively cheaper than the hotels and the tariffs include all meals. For those who are not aware how the whole thing works - It is like a floating house on Dal Lake (pretty much stationary) and adjacent to it are the houses of the respective boat owners (staying with their family). They serve you home cooked food, while living onboard their house boats. So it was no different in our case. The owner was staying with his wife, children and two of his sisters. Let me tell you the guy projected himself as a huge patriot (perhaps the biggest) from the valley, during our initial interaction. This positive display of patriotism was too tempting for me to refrain myself from discussing the Kashmir issue with him during dinner. It started with paying rich tributes to Allah & Sankar Bhagwan (not sure to whom my wife paid her tributes) for making things normal there, so as to allow we lesser mortals to visit that place and stay on a houseboat too.

Every crook to every saint of Kashmir was brought into our discussions, all the while the guy projected himself to be a bigger patriot than I thought him to be, five minutes earlier. When the discussion came to the dependency factor, all hell let loose, thanks to his slip-of-tongue, or his natural instincts spilling out. In context to some point he said - "Sahabji Apna yahan kya banta hai. Kaju, Akhroat baas. Baki saab to Hindustan se ata hai". Hindustan se? Isn't Kashmir a part of Hindustan? I asked. I should say - he tried his best to cover up his words. Whether we accept it or not - majority of Kasmiri believe, they are not part of India. I am not blaming them entirely. Our federal policies on Kashmir have a big role to play for this mess.

The other day in a media debate, the chairman of the separatist Hurriyat conference was invited. All panelists, including the host himself, wanted to know what his precise problems are and why they keep on adding fuel to the fire for no constructive reason. Those who have seen that program would agree - one would sound like a traitor, even if he just tries to re-narrate Mr. Gilani's words. So I am not going to do that either. In reply, Mr.Gilani made a mockery of our country, our system, our democracy and in fact everything that our constitution mandates. Not to mention - all the while shouting at the top of his voice that they don't belong to India, nor they want to be with India. Hope some literate in his family would educate him that, it is only for this bloody democracy that he could blabbered his anti-India nonsense in a national television and still get away with it. Without democracy, a rascal like him could very well find himself hanging from his legs upside-down, in some city square.

This is not only Gilani's mentality. It is the mentality of all those thousands who throw stones at our security forces and hundreds who have already done the act and now cooling their posteriors in various Kashmir jails. And many others who haven't yet thrown stones but admire the throwers from the bottom of their hearts. So these are the problems for Omar -

a. There are a whole bunch of people who don't want to stay with India
b. A bigger bunch think Omar to be a scoundrel for respecting the values of our constitution
c. Few other jokers like Gilani, just doesn't want Kashmir to be a normal state, for their own gains and to make their masters across the border happy
d. And Mas-Allah , jewels like lady Mehbooba Mufti be least discussed

Among all these silly problems and trouble makers, even an astute administrator would lose his sense of governance. Trust me, even an iron man like Sardar Patel would have found the current Kashmir situation a tough nut to crack. We shouldn't also forget - along with managing the nuisance like Gilani and alike, Omar has to run the state also. So why blame Omar when he is not allowed to act. Just imagine his irony - he can't act tough and he can't act soft either. If you think he can then at least stay neutral in that sense, then he can't also do that either. Give it a thought!

Raj Thackeray
State: Maharashtra
Believes In: We should teach our kids that if he is second in class, don’t study harder, just beat up the student coming first and throw him out of the school.

If a nuclear bomb goes off someday, then all would be dead except two creatures. Cockroach (scientific reasons) and Raj Thackeray (to make sure that nobody mess up with Marathi dead bodies). A classic case of God’s human factory malfunctioning big-time. As per him - Maharastra is the universe and vice-a-versa as well. His mandate to even the dogs of Maharastra to master the local language, or else take their filthy ass to neighboring states or wherever. A mere Bhou-Bhou won't do, as they have to bark in Marathi also. He reacts like a leech, powdered with salt, the moment he sees a north Indian. Nobody (including himself) is sure of his goals in life. On the face value it seems - all his issues and goals starts with the Bihari Panipuri walas and UP Taxiwalas in Mumbai streets and pretty much stops there. A person with damages beyond repair but proudly flaunts himself as the face of Maharastra and Marathi Manoos.

Sushri Mayawati
State: Uttar Pradesh
Believes In: Nothing is permanent except statues. This is the only way you would remain there till the time earth crashes into some bloody comet.

Sushri Mayawati once referred to a national highway project as the eighth wonder of the world. While she herself may well be the ninth. She calls herself the queen of the queens of India and the messiah of the Dalits. All she has done (for dalits) in last four years as a chief minister is to erect (don’t be naughty) uncountable numbers of her statues (some say they are around eight hundred). Now dalits can confirm if they had benefited from these sight polluting sculptures. The lady is capable of indicting and starting an enquiry against anyone and anything. Be it any of her political opponent or humming bees at one of her rallies. She can punish anyone on slightest provocation. Few days back I was assured that Baba Saheb Ambedkar is her personal property. She can’t enforce right to education in her state (lack of money) but very well can spend 1000 crores for few more of her statues. Oh yes, sporting currency garlands is just another of her hobbies like carrying the purse, even to the washroom.

Vilasrao Deshmukh
State: Maharastra
Believes In: Everything is fair in love, war and promoting son’s ass

If there was a flood and God told some modern Noah to build an ark, He would probably warn him, "Two of every creature ... but not Vilasrao Deshmukh. Not because he is a Satan but, he would bring along his good for nothing son and a notoriously third graded movie director with him. If that happens it would probably be more dangerous than the flood itself. Three is always a crowd and these three are more than a crowd. They can put the God himself on a fix by the amount of nonsense they would produce in joint venture. Getting booted out and snubbed of is just part of his day’s work. His antiques respect no boundaries, which was evident right after 26/11. Just when everyone thought we are done with the tragedy there he came from the woodwork to take a stroll around Taj Hotel. And guess, who were accompanying him in his morning walk ? His useless produce and a visibly half drunken goat fart director. Better stay away from this trio.

Rahul Gandhi
State: Somewhere in Italy
Believes In: If all that you have as an achievement is a notorious surname then make sure you extract the best out of it.

This one may well be the ‘joker’ in the pack and for some strange reason, the Indians can’t get enough of him. A classic case of an accident at 7-Race Course road. He just can’t go wrong is what all his posterior licking party members believe. Hell with the British media who call us visionless. Look at this man – half educated and not yet even 40 but a prime minister in the waiting. All that he has to say the moment he opens is mouth is – how great he, his family members (dead or alive) and his party are and in contrast how rascal every other one is. Staying in a Dalit house is his favorite pastime. And yes working (putting on a sports shoe and an empty basket) with the Dalit lady in the field is what he enjoys most. Taking a shower at the neighborhood tube well is what makes him unique and fits him in Gandhiji’s lines of thought – simple living, high thinking. After the introduction of slippers into public podiums, he has somewhat mellowed down with his political caricature and trying to be an intellectual (delivering prabachans, starting from kindergarten to big universities). Dictionary definition of intellectual bankruptcy for sure.

Lalu Prasad Yadav
State: Bihar
Believes In: I am an omnivorous and an anaconda in nature. I can gulp down everything – from cattle food to community toilets.

Perhaps the biggest skunk of yet another trio – the deadly Yadav trio. His capabilities wrote new history when he successfully screwed a mineral rich state like Bihar upside-down for a decade. When this filthy mouth was done with his state he ventured into a virgin territory called Indian Railways. He managed to make the Railways profitable (Mamta Didi has different opinion though) by cramping passengers in the three tire side berths and keeping 80% tickets reserved for Tatkal booking. All politicians do fool the masses, but this guy is unique. He fooled the bald heads at Harvard even. Impressed by his managerial skills, he was invited to blabber his experience with students there. A power hungry individual from the day he popped out of the womb and would remain so till he bids adieu.

The list could be endless. But I found these five esteemed individuals to be there at the top. I would furnish out five more in Part-II. So watch out.

All that we had that time, was our very own Doordarshan, where guys were too reluctant to air anything beyond the rainbow striped signal feed image with that irritating sound most of the time. Team India (they were not men in blue then) wasn't playing 365 days cricket. A series with Australia was awaited like anything. Not for the game but more for the good quality Channel 9 telecast. In the limited scope that was on offer for live telecast matches (all sports), a thing like Olympics or Asian games were an exception. That is perhaps the only time every four years where Doordarshan used to have 15 days of daily live telecast. So nothing was missed, not even games like Fencing and Archery.

Everything has changed since then except one - We used to come empty handed (in terms of medals) then and we are continuing to do so at the latest edition of the Olympic Games at Beijing. I don't consider a billion plus population winning a couple of Bronze medals is anything better than being empty handed. The next edition in London doesn't seem bright either. Until 1980, our Hockey team was a regular feature at the podium at least. Thanks to huge politics in our national game, now-a-days we don't even go beyond the 10th spot (closely following or followed by Pakistan) among the 15 participating teams. As a kid, to satisfy my ego I used to argue with my father - Papa, it should be 11 gold medals in our tally instead of one , as each player of our Hockey team won one. Now kids do not even have that scope left to argue with their fathers on the number of medals the medals tally should show.

I always thought - why are we so bad as a sporting nation? Even after being so vast and populous, what is that we are missing? Is it the lack of talent? Or support? Or encouragement? Or a mixture of all three factors? As I grow up I strike out the Talent factor. When we can produce one Tendulkar after a certain Gavaskar or Gundappa Viswanath, and continue to do so, then there is no shortage of talent in our country for sure. If we can do it in Cricket, we can very well replicate it in other sports. Then where we are lacking? Definitely on the support and encouragement part. The rustic way we manage our sports bodies can surely be added as another of the reasons. Starting from our Sports minister to the individual sports association heads - all are clueless on what they are doing and what they are supposed to do. One doesn't need a better example than what M.S.Gill did yesterday.

I still don't understand why the sportspersons have to visit the Minister's house, rather the Minister should visit the champ's house. Anyway, that's a separate discussion in itself. So coming back to our topic. Either Mr. Gill is an idiot or belongs in Ghajini. It was chaos and embarrassment both for Sushil Kumar and his coach Satpal. Mr. Gill tried to take the limelight all the while suggesting mutely- it is because of him only that Sushil Kumar could manage to win the gold at the world championship. His coach Satpal is just a namesake and can very well go for a walk. It is when Sushil himself corrected Mr.Gill of his mistakes, the coach was called-in for the photo shoot. Keeping aside Sushil, there are two things which the coach himself has accomplished and is a wrestling legend.

1. Asian gold medalist
2. Dronacharya award winner

Now this leads to a fundamental concern. Wasn't our sports minister aware of a person who himself has won a gold medal in Asian games (more so when there aren't many)? Was our sports minister taking a nap when our President Pratibha Patil was awarding the same person with the Dronacharya award? In both the scenarios he doesn't deserve to be our sports minister. In fact this is for the second time he has repeated the same mistake. It happened before when Saina Nehwal went to meet him along with her coach Pullela Gopichand after the 2008 Olympics. With his traditional rabbit smile Mr. Gill gave a cold stare at Gopichand and went on to ask - May I know, who are you?

Now someone please enlighten me on who should educate our sports minister that the person questioned is only the second one from India to win the All-England championship (Wimbledon of Badminton).

Look at what we have done with the Commonwealth Games. In the name of improving the sporting culture in our country, we ended up improving our bank balance. In the name of infrastructure we ended up having a sorry looking set of stadia. All, including our prime minister fear that the stadia roof might fall on their heads during the opening ceremony itself. Now if a person like Suresh Kalmadi can infuse so much damage to the CWG in four years time, it is very well understood how much idiocy he must have spread in his 30 years tenure as IOA president. I am sure what would happen (within 4 years) if China gets one Kalmadi as their Olympic committee head. Either China would compete with India in terms of medals or the leader would be promptly executed with a single bullet from close range.

So in nutshell, this is how we manage, encourage and treat our sportspersons. Almost all the sports bodies are headed by wily fox politicians for the last 20 years. Given an opportunity, on individual terms, each of them are capable of becoming one Kalmadi. As long as guys like Kalmadi and crooks of his stature continue to run our sports bodies we have to be satisfied with a couple of bronze medals or most of the time nothing. As it is least expected that our sports fraternity would be cleaned of these crooks anytime soon, we have to live with this conclusion - we were pathetic as a sporting nation when we were kids and would remain so even when our great-grandchildren would be doing their graduation.

A Poem by a soldier - The Last Letter

==============================================

How you play with us, did you ever see?
At Seven, I had decided what I wanted to be;
I would serve you to the end,
All these boundaries I would defend.

Now you make me look like a fool,
When at seventeen and just out of school;
Went to the place where they made "men out of boys"
Lived a tough life …sacrificed a few joys…

In those days, I would see my "civilian" friends,
Living a life with the fashion trends;
Enjoying their so called "college days"
While I sweated and bled in the sun and haze…
But I never thought twice about what where or why
All I knew was when the time came, I'd be ready to do or die.

At 21 and with my commission in hand,
Under the glory of the parade and the band,
I took the oath to protect you over land, air or sea,
And make the supreme sacrifice when the need came to be.

I stood there with a sense of recognition,
But on that day I never had the premonition,
that when the time came to give me my due,
You'd just say, "What is so great that you do?"

Long back you promised a well-to-do life;
And when I'm away, take care of my wife.
You came and saw the hardships I live through,
And I saw you make a note or two,
And I hoped you would realise the worth of me;
but now I know you'll never be able to see,
Because you only see the glorified life of mine,
Did you see the place where death looms all the time?
Did you meet the man standing guard in the snow?
The name of his newborn he does not know...
Did you meet the man whose father breathed his last?
While the sailor patrolled our seas so vast?

You still know I'll not be the one to raise my voice
I will stand tall and protect you in Punjab Himachal and Thois.

But that's just me you have in the sun and rain,
For now at twenty-four, you make me think again;
About the decision I made, seven years back;
Should I have chosen another life, some other track?

Will I tell my son to follow my lead?
Will I tell my son, you'll get all that you need?
This is the country you will serve
This country will give you all that you deserve?

I heard you tell the world "India is shining"
I told my men, that's a reason for us to be smiling
This is the India you and I will defend!
But tell me how long will you be able to pretend?
You go on promise all that you may,
But it's the souls of your own men you betray.

Did you read how some of our eminent citizens
Write about me and ridicule my very existence?
I ask you to please come and see what I do,
Come and have a look at what I go through
Live my life just for a day
Maybe you'll have something else to say?

I will still risk my life without a sigh
To keep your flag flying high
but today I ask myself a question or two…
Oh India…. Why do I still serve you?

Now coming back to his encounter with intellectualism. This is pretty much expected from a man like Salman Khan, knowing his track record. Be it hunting down an endangered Chinkara or mowing down a couple of helpless chaps with his SUV when his tank was filled with some high quality foreign grog. Or his alleged link with who's who of the underworld and threatening Vivek Oberoi to stay away from Aiswarya Rai. He was all the time at the wrong end of the law, ethics, morality or social behavior. So nothing new this time and we shouldn't be too astonished on - 'how can he possibly say this'?. Instead let's look at what he has to say on 26/11

a. All lives are equal. The person who was at CST or at Taj hotel shouldn't matter - Agreed
b. Hotels got maximum coverage as elite mass was attacked - Agreed
c. Pakistan was no way involved in it. So a clean chit - He he he, there you lost it

Without the last line he probably could have got away easily. I even saw his Youtube video where he tried his best to put on a sorry face and defend his earlier words, but all in a waste. You know what Bhaijaan? You are not a politician and you can't just disown your own words citing opposition conspiracy. More than anything it was a business driven rant and you also know it very well.

I can understand your concerns - Your movie is getting released. Non-performance (in terms of economics) of this movie could very well put your career into cold storage. To top it all you have a huge financial gain to make from Pakistan as the said movie is going to release there also. Perhaps with this thought on the backdrop you tried to impress your Pakistani fans in one of their television channels. That's bizarre if not anything. Now you have seen for yourself, the first time you tried to use your brain, what happened. You found that you have none. So hope you won't bring that nonsense of you being the most mis-understood individual in Bollywood this time around. Thank you so very much. Others have better things to do in life than trying to understand you, the way you want. I am of the opinion that, as you have duly apologized for your jibes, the matter should be led to the coffin at once.

But on a second thought, all that he said is partially true, if not entirely correct. Leaving aside the point 'C', I tend to agree on the other two points. In our country there are bomb blasts in trains, malls, hospitals almost in dozens every year and hundreds get killed. But none till date has got the attention that 26/11 got. I still remember, when the hotels came into siege, everyone forgot, what the hell was going there at CST. I haven't certainly seen Chief Ministers or Home Ministers of the state ever getting booted out for any terrorist acts other than 26/11. Even the serious 1993 MumbaiUP or Panipuri chap from Bihar. Here I am not talking about the media alone. serial blast wasn't capable enough to see big heads rolling. Then why this exception for 26/11? I am sure the last reason would be for the 76 dead at the CST. No one cares for a bunch of bonded laborers from

During the 26/11 anniversary remembrance, none seemed too much interested to remember the dead at CST. All they were up to was about the dead in the two hotels. Why only the candle light vigils in front of the Taj hotel? Why not one at CST? One friend suggested - might be due to traffic congestion. Judicious. Anyway the traffic in and around CST is choc-a-bloc to accommodate hundreds of patrons with candles in their hands and singing: "Aayega..Aayega Aane Wala". Forget about CST, we even have forgotten our heroes of the likes of Tukaram Ombule or Major Unnikrishnan or Gajendra Sing. Does anyone remember them anymore? But ask the Arnab Goswamis, the Barkha Dutts, they might just hand you over a list of dead in these two hotels. Don't ask for a similar list of the CST dead though - you would be disappointed.

Sallu mian has learned his lesson, which I think he won't forget in a hurry, but a larger lesson is to be learned by a whole bunch of people: that is - the two points this spoiled brat mentioned. When a person is correct (even partially) for the first time in his life we must appreciate it. So let's get to his words - A human life is a human life and carry equal values irrespective of him/her putting on a Khadi kurta or an Armani. Second - get out of the hypocrisies that don't lead us anywhere. A Spade is always a Spade and would remain so till eternity. I hope this time we also learned our lesson along with Salman Khan.

Remember Mohammad Haneef? The doctor who was apprehended in Australia on charges of master-minding terror plots in 2007 Glasgow Airport attack? We are not going to the micro level of that case, to see if that person was actually a terrorist or was framed because of his religion. But the case is important and significant for us as that was the last time (officially) our Prime Minister lost his sleep - even much before the guy was cleared of all charges. He in fact lost his sleep the very next second the guy was arrested in Brisbane Airport. Now look at the contrast on the sleeping patterns of our PM. A certain Vijay Kumar was arrested by the US immigration authorities at the Huston airport. The reasons were funny and stupid to say the least. He was carrying a pair of Brass knuckles and he was sweating while the authorities enquired about the knuckles. Please someone educate those homeland security guys - when they can't stop someone planting a bomb right below their posterior, they should least be serious about a pair of brass knuckles found inside some baggage. Having said that, I feel it's their country and their security. So we can't educate them much.

The poor chap is languishing his time in a Houston correction center with hand-cuffs and a pair of orange boiler suit. The very pictures show as if he is already a condemned. An innocent Indian is suffering in a foreign country without any crime, but none in our government seems serious about the issue, much less losing their sleep. Where is our Prime Minister? I didn't hear him show his displeasure on this overhead behavior of US authorities. I don't expect him to lose his sleep on this, as it is, he already has couple of by-pass surgeries, but in the same line, don't want my PM to have some selective sleeping disorder either. Remember, Shahrukh Khan being frisked (not even detained or arrested) at Newark airport? Along with our PM (un-officially), a lot many others lost their sleep instantly. Without wasting time Ambika Soni threatened US that henceforth their VIPs would be handed with same treatment whenever they are at our airports. Appreciable instant and violent reaction, I must say. But why this partiality? Where is the same reaction gone in case of Vijay Kumar? Is it because He is not a Khan- And he is a terrorist? Or should one be a movie star to draw attention of our government? Or should I be politically incorrect and say - If you are a Hindu, you don't fall into any appeasement category, so keep your pig's mouth closed? Or are these signs from our Sarkar - Get yourself changed to one Khan, or Mustaq or Haneef for the government to care about your fundamental rights. If this is so, then let us change our religion in a hurry. If not anything, one of our fundamental rites - "Equality To All" has for sure gone for a toss.

This is getting into a trend of late. Our home minister doesn't take a second to term it as Saffron terrorism, but ask him to name the other way, he might just wet his pants... Oops Lungi- purely out of fear, not physical but the fear of losing his vote bank. We should have Ostrich as our national animal and bird also. Drawing our Goddesses nude is creativity but we become rascals if we say Islamic terrorism. The other day Abhisekh Manu Singvi was voicing this nonsense in a media debate - 'Terrorism has no religion'. As per him, there are Muslim terrorists, so as Hindu and Jews fanatics also. Come-on - we also have 7 year old toddlers doing PhD. In Harvard, but that certainly is not the norm. When it comes to accepting hard facts, we just dig our head in the sand like an Ostrich and make sure our vote banks are intact. If in the process injustice is done to few individuals (not from our appeasement category), who cares.

I feel sorry for a guy like Vijay Kumar on few accounts. First - he is a Hindu and certainly not a Khan. Second - he belongs to a nation full with skunks and scoundrels. Third - he himself is an idiot for being on a mission to educate masses about the danger of Jihadi terrorism. For these three mistakes of his, he deserves to get the treatment he is getting. And for the benefit of our PM's health he doesn't have to lose his sleep for an idiot of Vijay Kumar's proportion. Good night and Sweet Dreams Prime Minister.