Distance Oasis

Life at times tends to ditch the body that is carrying it. There comes a time when the whole idea of living further loses its shine and all one wants is a peace of mind and soul, even if it means death. A long struggling life to address all the demands that’s been put forward by spouse, children, aging parents, job, neighbor, pet dog; is one heck of an effort which leaves many drained out. But what you get after all this sacrifices and long struggle - you end up with none beside you to give you a company in your old age. All that you have for a company is the garlanded photograph of your dead wife, children settled outside conveniently forgetting that they have a father who is well into his expiry age, a reluctant cook to make food for you and few still alive members of your contemporary period to share the nostalgia during evening walks.

Is it fair on the part of God for depriving every good that one wants? Dibakar took a heavy breath while coming out of his thoughts. As life gets to its eighties it more often than not bewilders on the beauty of the past than staying in touch with the present.

The air is unusually chilly for the month of March. The park, as old as Dibakar; is looking unusually magnificent with the onset of a late winter evening. Few grownups playing a game of Kabadi at the corner with aged couples walking down the aisle, perhaps practicing for their last journey, a young couple hand-in-hand behind that small bush; perhaps dreaming about their rosy future, mothers with their toddlers packed in those planks to get their kids a feel of the world outside, the half glowing park lights standing as a testimony of past and the broken benches and pavements all around defying the science of erosion and corrosion. The park was not always a hustling place when it was inaugurated by Pundit Nehru, thought Dibakar. How beautifully it was decorated like a bride on the inauguration day. All those paper flags, neatly cut grass, benches giving that aroma of fresh paints and those free distributions of sweets after the inauguration.

Dibakar again went to his past. He was getting uneasy sitting on one of those colorless, faceless and identity less benches of the park. Where are both Dhiren and Vishwanath? They should have been here by now. They are always a little late in turning up but seldom this much. Uneasiness on the thought of any bad eventuality was always on the cards as these are the only two entities perhaps whom Dibakar can safely call his own and vice-a-versa. Like the long standing benches of the park this trio has weathered the hard times together. Laughed for each other’s joy, cried for each other’s sorrow and at this ripe age all they have left with as a gift from their respective lives is they themselves. They are the only three who are company to each other’s vacuum. They are the three who walk step-in-step during the evening walks or just sit in one of those benches and travel back to the beautiful past and try finding their joy of life.

Dibakar was dragged out of his thoughts by the gentle tap on his right shoulder.

Ohh!! Dhiren.. When you came? Sorry had gone to a mild nap. You know how body and nervous system doesn’t gel well after a certain age.

Dhiren, even if 20 years junior to both Dibakar and Vishwanath was still their best buddy from time immoral. Staying in their neighborhood, Dhiren always was a handy kid for everything – starting from bringing their cigarettes from the local Kirana shop to picking up their ironed dress from the Dhobi. Dhiren was always more than eager to do the sundry jobs for these two. In return all he wanted is the company of these two, a game of carom every now-and-then and of course the occasional pocket money for his tasty Chat & Panipuri. These two being the new entrants to the local Tehsil office as junior clerks were more than happy to have Dhiren around them for all thick and thins. Dhiren used to call both of them as Dada as one calls his own elder brother and not to mention he was always treated as a younger brother.

Dada.. Have you again gone to sleep or what?

Hmm!! Ohh No. Dibakar came out of his half thoughts and half sleep by this intrusion.

Not sleeping, but just trying to snatch the lost joys of my life, our life from the past. For a change I want to keep all IFs and BUTs aside and want to imagine, how life would have been if it had gone the way I wanted it to be. The way I always wished for. Dibakar almost completed the sentence without taking a breath..

Anyway Forget it – where is that ‘Late Latif’ Vishwanath? Enquired Dibakar.

No Idea Dada.. but I am sure, he would be here anytime now.

Dada, today you seems to be unusually absent from the present. It seems you are too much involved with the past today than what you usually do. Are you missing those good old days?

Hmm!! Not missing. People miss things when they had the stuff once with them to begin with. I never had anything that I think I can miss. All seems like an Oasis, where from a distance it looks so real but in reality it is nothing but an illusion. Whatever I wanted in my life, it always eluded me. Wanted a good life partner and a happy life – got a wife who found her own priority and spending time at her mother’s place more important than me. Wanted kids who would care for me – got children who are too busy and selfish with their own lives to even remind of a man who is supposed to be their father. It is 3 years since I have seen my children. God knows if I could be able to see them in my life ever or not. How bitter it may be Dhiren, I got no one in my life who loved me, cared for me. Baring you two, I even struggle to recollect when last time someone has cared for me; even for the sake of pretention.

Dhiren took a heavy breath and pondered at the sky as if to count the blinking stars. Throat choking for words, face full with strains of truth and eyes full with emotions. As if he wanted to hide his face on the laps of Dibakar and cry like a baby. But could he cry like a baby at this age? Would the society accept a 60 year crying his heart out like a baby?

After few seconds of painful silence, which seemed like ages to pass-through; Dhiren looked at the sky again and then looked at the half closed eyes of the man in front.

But you know what Dada? There is something which is hunting me and my conscience for last 50 years. I always wanted to tell this. Due to many reasons I always refrained myself from confessing it. Call it my laziness or self-guilt or plain jealousness – I just couldn’t muster enough courage to come out clean in front of you. I don’t know how it will help you now, but the burden on my heart is getting too heavy for me to bear any further. Hope it will give you some relief, if not anything.

Now it was the turn of Dhiren to complete his sentence without taking a breath.

What is that Dhiren? You sound poetic. Are you OK? Or this chilly winter wind has taken a toll on your nerves?

Nothing Dada.. It is plain truth, which I kept hiding from you for so long and decided not to divulge at any cost. But it seems I just can’t carry it further in hiding. I don’t want to die with a self-confessed guilt, sitting heavy on my heart.

Dhiren, I have always looked at you as a younger brother over the years. I am sure; you haven’t done anything that bad for which you need to be so apologetic. I will suggest you keep it in hiding. It is better to ……..

Dada…Do you remember Radhika Didi? Asked Dhiren; before Dibakar could complete his sentence.

Still keeping his eyes half closed Dibakar tried to look at Dhiren. The uneasiness in the body posture was evident. The unspoken and non-displayed pain in his heart was now there standing nude for all to see. As if it was an overflowing reservoir waiting for the walls to crash.

It seems, Dhiren inflicted all the pain of the world by just mentioning this name. The outside world suddenly seems to fade away from its presence for Dibakar. Radhika - a perfect example of girl next door. A rare mixture of beauty and simplicity. The look on her eyes always told a catharsis and the simplicity which could make a billionaire feel humble. She was the cousin sister of Dhiren and was staying close to Dhiren’s house. On the way to office Dibakar always saw Radhika doing sundry household work, helping her father tying the bullocks to the cart or simply sitting at the Verandah and combing her silky hair. That light smile whenever Dibakar has an eye contact with her was always the highlight of the day for Dibakar.

After prolonged distance meetings and light smiles, Dibakar finally decided to go up to her and have a little chat. Mustering enough courage, Dibakar stopped his cycle in front of her house the next day. Slowly walking down the muddy path to the Verandah and avoiding his white Dhoti from getting dipped in the mud; all Dibakar was hoping for things to turnout as planned.

Can I get a glass of water? Is all that what Dibakar could speak for an opening statement.

Before Dibakar could add anything to his request, she stood up and gave that smile again and rushed inside the house as if she just encountered a dozen Dacoits. Few seconds later a small girl with a Lota and a glass appeared and asked Dibakar to help himself. That was the first and last time Dibakar had any talk with Radhika. While returning back to his cycle, Dibakar could easily see those gazing eyes behind the window and a glimpse of that heavenly smile.

Dibakar took the heaviest breath of the evening and opened his eyes for the first time in half an hour and looked at Dhiren, who by that time was more anxious than anyone for a reply.

Yeh, I do remember her. He was so slow in his utterance that as if he wanted to sallow few of his own words.

But why you want to unearth the closed chapter of my life Dhiren. I have long forgotten it. Hope she is doing fine wherever she is.

But Dada, you did love her. Didn’t you?

But she never did. I was conned into a fool’s paradise by those heavenly smiles.

Dibakar could remember the day when he bought that writing pad by paying Rs 2/- from the market. All those pink pages with flowery impression all over are still fresh in his mind. It took an immaculate effort of a whole night and generous help from Vishwanath that he could come up with the most beautiful and loving love later that any male in the face of the planet has ever written. Dhiren was summoned and handed over the letter to be delivered to his cousin sister, with a promise of the grandest Chat, Panipuri party in the evening, if the response happens to be yes.

Dibakar, never waited for the evening so eagerly as he did that day. He rushed back from office only to find Dhiren sitting in front of his house with a sorrow looking face. His heart sank at once. After a silence he asked Dhiren about the response.

Did you give that letter to your sister? Dhiren shook his head.

Did she read it? Dhiren shook his head again.

Now the question of the evening – thought Dibakar. After a short pause he finally asked. Did she send any letter in your hand? I mean any reply from her? Dhiren shook his head but for the first time in refusal.

She didn’t send any letter but asked me to tell you that you should not think in those wrong ways. She doesn’t carry any such feelings for you and would be getting married soon to someone else. She has requested you to forget her as she doesn’t see anything beyond this point.

Dibakar could have survived few lightning than this.

That is the last he saw and heard about Radhika. All that is still fresh in his memory is Radhika inside that palanquin and making her journey for her in-laws place.

Dada.. It seems you have again gone to sleep!!

Dibakar was brought back to the present again to see Dhiren looking more apologetic than what he was 10 minutes earlier.

You only took my letter to her, and you only came back with a verbal reply. Didn’t you Dhiren? She even never thought it appropriate for her to write back her response to me, even if it was a NO. So why un-necessarily play around with all the wrong strings of life and reopen old wounds!!

Dibakar again eased into the bench and closed his eyes..

But Dada, hope you can forgive me. What I told you that day was not entirely correct…

Radhika Didi in fact did send a reply which I was told to handover to you. Please don’t interrupt in between as I might not be able to complete my confession then. I am ready for all your questions but just let me finish.

Dibakar never interrupted. Dhiren looked at the sky again as if too ashamed to look at Dibakar. The night has almost engulfed the sleepy town and the air getting chillier by the minutes.

After a brief silence Dhiren started again. I was in fact on the way to handover you the letter. Out of curiosity I opened to read it. There I saw the response of Radhika Didi and how she has confirmed her love for you. How she seems to have planned her life with you was all written in that letter. I can assure you Dada; she loved you as much as you loved her.

Dhiren took a long pause before he could narrate further. Perhaps, mustering enough courage to get to the crux of the matter.

Dada, can you see that bridge? Do you remember how we used to spend our evening there over a plate of Chat? Dibakar didn’t reply…

The bridge now stands as a testimony to the huge irrigation system that Sardar Patel once envisioned. Even though this particular one never materialized to that extent and has dried up years ago with rocks all around for a river bed; it still jolts few nerves of nostalgia in many.

You know what Dada..? Just when I was walking over that bridge, jealousness and fear of losing tickled me the wrong way. I wondered what will happen if you get married; what will happen if Radhika Didi and you get married to each other. What will happen to my Chat and Panipuri? Will you still continue to give me money for them? What will happen to all those chocolates and cakes that Radhika Didi used to give me every now and then? I thought, after your marriage Radhika Didi will be with you for ever – where she would get time to cook those yummy cakes and curries and give me to eat? All her love would be for you only and she won’t love me the way she does now.

Dhiren took a pause again. You can understand Dada, being a kid I just couldn’t think anything beyond Chat, Panipuri and Chocolates. After much deliberation I tear the letter and threw it into the river bed below. Then I cooked up a story and told you that. Believe me – I felt guilty after few days and thought of sharing the truth but couldn’t muster enough courage to do so. At this fag end of life I finally did manage to gather it. Thankfully I might not have to die with a sin in my heart…

Dhiren now seemed like pleading for forgiveness. Dibakar kept on sitting unmoved in the bench.

Dada… Will you forgive me for this? You know it was unintentional and done under the cloud of childish fear and anxiety. Dhiren still remained unmoved.

You guys are enjoying the breezy winter evening it seems. Dhiren looked back to see Vishwanath finally arriving. I am sorry friends, was little hooked up with my gardener.

But Dibakar, I must congratulate you on your fitness. For your age the fitness you showed today is commendable. Said Vishwanath, while occupying the adjacent bench. When I was coming here; I saw you under that bridge. As if you were searching something frantically. For something that is too important for you. As if, it is your life that is stuck somewhere in those bed rocks. I even called you loudly but you never responded and walked away. I must say even if you are very fit physically, your ears need some checkup…

Vishwanath tried to bring some humor to the discussion.

After taking a puff from his cigarette Vishwanath started again. I tried to walk fast to catch up with you but just couldn’t match your speed. Now see – when I am all huffing and puffing with exertion to reach here; you are already here and sitting pretty. Not even a tint of tiredness in you.

But Dada and I are sitting here for last hour or so. He hasn’t gone anywhere. Surprise was evident from Dhiren’s words.

What nonsense? I myself saw Dibakar below that bridge. I can’t be that mistaken, more so with my childhood friend. Dibakar still remained unmoved.

Dhiren, pushed Dibakar a little to get him out of his sleep and clear the confusion..

Dada, Dada; Wake up and see, Vishwanath Dada is here. Dibakar still remained unmoved. This never happens. Even if he is asleep he wakes up after a call or two. Dhiren this time pushed a little harder…

Dibakar tilted a little to his left and fell on the bench…

Dibakar; what happened? Are you OK? Dada; Are you OK? ……..

Hey can somebody please call the doctor !!!!!

Manmohan Sing And His Press Conference

Mr.Prime-Minister let me clear this at the outset – You disappointed again with your so called press conference with the editors of reputed media houses. In fact you disappointed to a great extent with your opening statements alone where you blamed all (including the media for exposing the scams) but yourself or your own party people; giving us a trailer on what we should expect to unfold. God knows why you named it as a press conference when the best you did was having a little chat with who’s who of media fraternity. In the pretext of making your stand clear on various fronts (read scams) you best managed to cover them under one excuse or the other and your countrymen were left more confused than what they were to begin with. In one line– “Your press meet was weak, uninspiring and downright disgusting”. When the newspapers struggled to come up with a proper headline to describe your press meet the next day, you can always guess how bad a non-starter your whole effort was. Little talked about the vigor and excitement in your response is better. With a stubborn and expressionless face (trademark of yours’) you best deliver the excitement quotient closely similar to what one gets from a world cup match between Afghanistan and Namibia. For heaven’s sake – what that media adviser Mr.Khare or something was doing there? Can’t you for once defend yourself all of your own?

Having said that; I must admit – I felt pity on you. Pity not because being a prime-minister you end up clarifying the scams but because being an honest person (I am second to none in not doubting your credentials) you were left to clean up the mess created by others. Even though you were far from getting benefited by a penny from these scams you were held responsible and irony that you were too helpless to admit your weakness and compulsions to anything but tolerate the thugs and crooks to your left and to your right. If the press meet is a pointer to anything then you were absolutely bang on the mark when you said there is a huge governance deficit. If that’s the actual case then with all respect – if the dictionary meaning of ‘governance deficit’ is taken half of its seriousness then I doubt if you really have any moral ethics left to stay in the office for one more day even.

Now let’s ponder on what you said, you didn’t said, wanted to say or conveniently avoided during that one hour torture which unfolded on TV yesterday. Before we go in details, let me assure you with some authority – it was equally torturous for those present in the room as well as the general populace glued to their TV sets.

On Corruption

Honestly corruption is part and parcel of any governance and more so when it is of democratic nature. No nation in the world is immune to it and we neither expect ours’ to be any different. But to search for excuses to justify yourself being corrupt is certainly not what one can appreciate. Definitely not, if one finds his own prime-minister furnishing the excuses. What is that ‘Coalition Dharma’ nonsense that you tried to explain is beyond the pea size brain of mine. Did you by any means tried to tell us that when the government is running on coalition then we should accept corruption as an inherent gift with it as any objection to the corruptions of a coalition government is anything but against the so called ‘Coalition Dharma’ ? Let me decide whether to laugh or cry on this utterance of yours’. The best was when you said you were not in a position to act. If you were not in a position to act then may I just ask who else then? The lazying idiots at India gate or the black ticket selling touts? This is helplessness overdrive when the man at the top of the affairs can’t just ask one of his ministers to behave properly and refrain himself from nefarious activities just because he happens to be a minister from the coalition partner.

A.Raja was unchecked, unquestioned and was given a free hand to loot the nation just because he is from the coalition partner DMK and any such obstruction on his path of loot would have gone against the ‘Coalition Dharma’. According to you these minor adjustments are nothing but for stability as we can’t afford elections in every 6 months. I want to ask why not? More so when we see it is nothing but a pack of jokers and crooks are governing us then it is always better to set things right by having fresh elections and getting rid of the thugs. The dilemma of our prime-minister for not having elections in 6 months’ time is not well understood to me. Was he worried for that 10K odd crorers that we spend for a general election to conduct or something else that is hunting him? If so then let me give a bit of mathematics. Raja has looted enough money which could have covered 15 such general elections, build statues of Mayawati in every city of India and still be left with enough change to conduct 3 Panchayti-Raj elections and buy out an IPL team. Now Mr.Prime-minister, it is your discretion to decide if it is better to have an election in 6 months’ time or to continue with rascals like Raja and tolerate his looting spree in the name of ‘Coalition Dharma ’?

Even if we are to agree with your Coalition nonsense, a certain bearded individual’s face forces us not to. If Raja is given the benefit of doubt being the illegitimate child of the coalition government, then what about a certain Suresh Kalmadi? Why that individual was never questioned until he syphoned a good 90K crore from the government’s coffer? Why all were as silent as statutes on this mass loot in the name of National pride till a media house exposed the filthy rot flowing under the CWG mess? Why Kalmadi and his cronies were arrested and later released ceremoniously without even having a charge sheet filed? Why Kalmadi is still at the helm of affairs and why he isn’t been taken to task yet? Now please don’t come-up with your ‘Coalition Dharma’ explanation this time also. Kalmadi being your own man from your own party should have been handed exemplary punishment if you are that serious about curbing corruption, which you pertained to be. So where is the intention Mr.Prime-minister? I don’t see it anywhere – be it your party men or be it in the name of ‘Coalition Dharma’; you seem least interested to catch the corruption bull by its horns. So better you stop giving us excuses in this front.

On JPC

That was a relieving sign when you said you are OK with the JPC or any of that nonsense. Relief on account of two fronts. First – At last, we can expect the budget session to take off. Second – Finally there is a very good chance of the real culprits getting unearthed by the JPC. As the stature of Raja in this whole 2G scam is pretty much clear, I don’t tend to give him anything beyond the rank of a pawn in the whole thing. Raja is no better than a Dolphin in front of all those whales of this 2G Ocean. So the need of a JPC was always a legitimate demand to bring the real big fishes into the light of the day. It is better that you finally realized the importance of having one for the 2G scam.

Having said that; it was equally surprising of your sudden decision for accepting JPC as was when you were dilly-dallying and dragging your feet from the day the opposition started demanding for it. Now out of the blue you came out and announced to the world that you were never afraid of a JPC or were never against it. In fact you went ahead and confirmed, you were never afraid of appearing before any committee – be it JPC or PAC. Oh really? If so then why didn’t you accepted it at the first place itself, which could have allowed us a fully running and productive winter session of parliament than just the wastage of Tax payer’s money? Now please let us know who stands accountable for that colossal loss of public money? You, your party, the over inflated ego of many of your senior party members or the ‘Coalition Dharma’? Or were you plainly giving enough time to thugs like Raja and alike to settle down properly with the loot before the eyewash investigation starts?

I virtually laugh off my sofa when you almost said (sense prevailed and you just stopped from bringing further humiliation for yourself) that how the arrest and actions against Amit Shah made the top brass of BJP turned psychotic and started blackmailing you to stop the action or else face the stalling of parliament. A person like you should be least complaining when it comes to blackmailing or getting blackmailed. A person whose day starts with a blackmailing phone call from a certain Karunanidhi and followed by getting blackmailed through the day by a mother-son duo shouldn’t have too much of reservation if few BJP chaps (if at all it is true) think to implement Karunanidhi’s tricks.

Miscellaneous

To my relief you seem to agree to one common wish list of all the Indians. But sadly it is India winning the world cup but not eliminating corruption. When you say our laws are most frustrating to show your helplessness, one wonders – why you don’t just change the bloody laws then. Your mere utterance of the word frustration shouldn’t in anyway be an excuse to why Afzal Guru is still alive or why thugs of CWG or 2G or Adarsha are not properly dealt with. Being an economist you scared the hell out of me when you virtually admitted of having no idea on how to control the inflation. Your high growth brings a higher inflation theorem scared me even more. If a mere 8.5% growth can bring food prices to this level then I just don’t want to imagine the scenario when we actually manage to have a 13% GDP, as promised by you. Hope we don’t end up buying our food items in milligrams from jewelry shops.

Overall - Your unwanted display of helplessness brings a sense of dejected feeling among us Indians. Dejected because; like the ceremonial position of the President in our democracy, the position of Prime-Minister seems to have turned one ceremonial position during your tenure as well. This is not a healthy sign for our democracy when we see our Prime-Minister is being used as a rubber stamp and entity to do the dirty clean up job when needed by a mother-son duo. Thankfully none of the journos seems too keen (or intentionally out of a gag order) and refrained from asking the Pakistan related question or your stand on the behavior of Rascals like Shayed Ali Shah Ghilani and team. I am sure you would have brought a laughing riot with your misplaced and displaced answers.

As an epilogue Mr.Prime-minister – I must be thankful to ICC for arranging a warm up match for India so that I could see Men-in-blue bat handsomely and was able to unwind a bit from the torture inflicted by you via your press conference. This could be one of those occasions when you absolutely get peanuts against huge expectations. Just when I thought the occasion to be nothing less than one watershed event with skeletons tumbling out of the closets of various individuals; you turned up on TV and made a mockery of all those who were there to question you and millions others who were in front of the Tele-vision. When Mr.Khare did reprimand Arnav Goswami and reminded him to show curtsey to the PM by not behaving as if PM is being interrogated, I wished if it were be so. I wished if the general populace could one day get a chance to interrogate our Prime-minister and demand explanation for his inaction against everything that is bad for our nation. Be it Raja, Kalmadi, Adarsh, Corruption, Inflation, Terrorism and last but not the least – minority appeasement and vote bank politics. Hope Mr.Prime-minister, you would show respect to the wishes of your fellow countrymen and show respect to their votes which made sure you are re-elected to the top post again. Not there to support and cover a colony of thugs but to govern and govern with all fairness for the betterment of people who voted you. Hope some sense of belongingness prevails!!

Reasons Why We Won't Win The World Cup

Although I love cricket as much any average pervert Indian male dose, I always refrain myself from scribing anything on it – good or bad. Primary reason being my screwed up self believe on the knowledge of mine on this game. But I somehow changed my perception on that and here I am. Blame it on Mandira Bedi, who till recently thought Bat and Ball are nothing but what her husband showed her during their honeymoon. A Bat and a Ball (pair of them). But now seen all over the place with putting almost nothing which we call dress and turning a Cricket Guru that made Harsha Bhogle jump into the bull fight arena with only a pair of Red underwear; to turn a pro Matador as a career change. If a bitch can, then certainly I can is what the theorem I am hell-bent on to believe. And for sure you won’t find a better time to write about cricket when the world cup is just about a couple of days away. I agree – I am no Kapil Dev, Imran Khan or Viv Richards of the world, but as a dedicated viewer of the game (barely manageable for my wife not to call the divorce lawyer) on which I might have spent more time than jacking off and studying combined; I deserve to have my say on who is the favorite to win the cup, if Mandira Bedi would turn up nude in studios, If Harsha Bhogle would finally visit a saloon for a haircut, if condom sells would decrease during this period (Hang –on. It is not west indies after all and even the Day-Night matches would wrap up by 11 in India), if Sharad Pawar would be kicked on his butt this time around than just a mere push, if we are going to see advertisement during cricket or the other way, if the broadcaster would refrain from airing sanitary pad advertisements during the match, if Sharukh Khan would show his miserable filthy face in any or all of the matches that Pakistan plays, if an average Janardan would have his jaws and tongue (not necessarily in that order) drop to the floor seeing the cheer girls, will Himesh Reshamiya go for a fast-onto-death for not given the opportunity to compose the theme song but instead given to Ehsan, Loy and a country called Shankar Mahadevan and most important the reasons why India WON’T make it this time also.

When I can very well comment on the other aspects during the course of the tournament, I feel I must iron out the reasons why I feel India won’t make the cut this time also. Now if I hear you howling at me and ready to bet anything on Dhoni to lift the cup; then I must say – you have got more balls than the Reynolds factory has.

Reason 1 – Inconsistency

I don’t think I have to repeat it. On any random day, Men-in-Blue are capable of even losing to Uganda provided Uganda can come up with 11 men with both their limbs intact. One day we will scare the living daylights out of Ponting, so much so that he makes it a point to call his tax consultant after the match to check the funds available in his provident fund account and the very next day a bunch of school kids would humiliate us to the extent that BCCI would mull of floating a VRS scheme for the cricketers. I am sure this is not what is expected from prospective World champions. What’s the point if we thrash the English one day and the next day Bangladesh forces us to insert the stumps in our back orifice and return back to pavilion with hanged head (Raina, Zaheer) and smiling shamelessly (Munaf, Harbajan) at the same time. Look at few chaps from Sri Lanka, whose names even their mothers would struggle to pronounce and big time tongue twisters – Charaka Kapugedera, Malinda Udwate, Thilan Samaraweera, Kumara Sangakara, Sumantha Wittimunny, Suranga Lakmal, Tisira (not sure where his brother Dusra is) Perrera ET all. These guys don’t care even if they belong to a nation whose geographical outline having striking resemblance with shit a nation which is abandoned by all fairness cream manufacturers for lifetime or alleged to have Ravana as their king at some point in history. What they care is playing good and consistent cricket. This is why they are one of the favorites even though a combined pissing act of the people of Uttar Pradesh could easily bring a Tsunami in their country. So consistency is the key. If lightning strikes in the form bad luck and we flaunt on a knock out match day, we would very well be out of the tournament (before even realizing that we were IN) leaving more than adequate time for our cricketers to go ahead with their Jhandu Balm or Revital advertisement assignments.

Reason 2 – Pathetic Fielding

Now I know what Guru Garry would be missing most. Bhura, the poultry framer of Laagan. As Bhura is farfetched and our cricketers would be too reluctant to go anywhere near a poultry farm to practice their fielding with hens and cocks; we better be satisfied with whatever fielding acumen we have and pray we don’t drop too many crucial catches. For heavens why we have fuckhead liabilities like Munaf Patel and Asish Nehra donning the blue jersey? On any day I would rather bet on a 7 month pregnant woman to do better fielding than these two lazy asses. If the trend continues, it won’t be a surprise if the divorce lawyers of both their wives get an SOS to file for a divorce on physical intimacy ground. Hope these two to be little bit more agile on bed for their better personal life.

Now coming back to cricket. Not to blame only these two – half of our team is as lazy as pigs lazing around in mud. In a stiff chase the best they can offer is bend just a little, so none could see their cleavage and coach would get the impression that they tried their best and then let go the ball without disturbing its path of motion. If that’s not good enough then just put your hands on your hips to let all know your visible dissatisfaction and of course that famous Jim Carry act – A frown, followed by a smile and a third nondescript mutation of face. If not good fielders, these are for sure a bunch of grade-A actors. Now look at South Africa in comparison. Each and every member of the team (including their physio and massager), are good enough to give the rattle snake a run for its money and might just give it the first bite in terms of agility. They not only save a good 15 or 20 runs by their good fielding but also frustrate the batsman so much that he might just contemplate smashing the bat on his own balls and leave the park on stretchers. But our team members just do the opposite and end up smashing their own balls out of frustration.

Reason 3 – Equally Pathetic Bowling

Without Zaheer Khan, even the ‘Saikrupa Hosiery’ team’s batsmen would make a black and blue of team India’s bowling attack. The village kid with holding his oversized pants in one hand and bowling in the other all the while exposing half of his black butt would bowl and spin better than Harbajan Sing. If anything that is more over hyped than Pamela Anderson’s boob’s size then it has to be this sardar. Turbunator – my ass is what I want to say. I don’t know why but for me his selection in team is as strange and bizarre as Shilpa Shetty deciding to marry that ‘Guava with crow shit at the top’ look alike Raj Kundra. For some strange reasons our selection committee and our captain doesn’t seems to have enough of him even though he strictly believes in taking wickets once in every leap year.

Now look at other available options. Nehra - as useless (perhaps a little more) as he is as a fielder. Munaf – lazy as one can get and even ready to lie atop a woman and can wait for the earthquake. Equally useless, if not more. Chawla – My brains fails miserably to get the exact words to define his surprising inclusion in the team. I guess, more than bowling he was selected to project that bullshit called National Unity funda to the world. Let me not get started on our so called part-timers. They are as faithful as village bicycle and little point in pretending happy to have a bunch of them when all know they are as useful as Khadi Condoms. So there is no gain in shouting at the top of our voice – We are big Mahatma Gandhi fans; hence proved. Let’s not redefine the age old one liner – “Mazboori ka naam Mahatma Gandhi”

Reason 4 – Mahendra Sing Dhoni

If anything other than Australia is a real threat for Team India in the tournament then it is Mahendra Sing Dhoni. I don’t know why he is there to start with. Neither he is batting, bowling or fielding. We can’t have him in the team just because Ravis Shastri thinks he is fucking cool like cucumber. After all we are constructing a team not green salad. If our fascination for cucumber goes overdrive and rattles our underwear then let’s have the cucumber itself than having this junk. At least we would save some money.

More than a cricketer he has turned into one badass politician of late. More than playing the game he is always in the lookout to finger one or two somewhere. No wonder he suffers from more finger injuries than rest of the world cricketers combined. From the past champions one thing is clear for sure – the last thing you need to win the world cup is a crooked politician at the helm of affairs, irrespective of him being either cucumber or a heap of shit. As such politicians have never done anything good and constructive anyway.

So there I rest my case on why I feel India might just flutter at some stage of the tournament. Even though it might not be as embarrassing as it was in West Indies where we were not left to scratch our balls even; things won’t be anything spectacularly better either. For me – if we really envisioning ourselves to lift the cup then somehow and by some means we have to clog two out of the four reasons I listed. As expecting such drastic turnaround from our team is as absurd as expecting Yanna Gupta to put on a proper innerwear next time; we might just need a monumental miracle to see us through. Awfully tough, if not impossible.

A Letter To Manmohan Sing

Now this one was long due I guess. Even though I believe, individuals at large, and more so when they are resting their butt in prestigious chairs are supposed to know the exact shit expected from them, are actually behaving more nonchalant than responsible. As I used to get engaged in many futile exercises like sleeping at my office desk, ogling any random girl, expecting Paris Hilton to be still a virgin, tolerating Arnav Goswami, writing about Himesh Reshamiya… etc; I thought of adding one more task to the list – writing a letter to our Prime-Minister Mr.Manmohan Sing to let him know how our country is right there on the dog’s plate for a happy lunch and how we look more rubbish than a shit smeared ass to the outside world and most important - what steps must he take so that we don’t end up coming out from the rectum of a canine soon. Hope he has some spare time at his disposal after he finishes taking the dictation from Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi to ponder on the issues I am going to highlight.

Dear Prime-Minister,

Mr.PM, first thing – Could you for heaven’s sake stop losing your sleep for absolutely dogfucked things? By virtue of such erratic sleeping disorder you are doing no help to your already two time bypass surgery done heart. When you are surrounded by greats like Digvijaya Sing (who resembles like an over swollen African testicle with no hair at the top), Abhisekh Manu Singvi (a dog running for his life from the clutches of the Anti-rabies unit of the city municipal corporation), Rahul Gandhi (substitute for a BT Brinjal putting on a pair of glass) and many more; you need not have to be the first one to lose his sleep. So take it and take it straight and repeat after me –

‘I AM GOING TO SLEEP ATLEAST FOR 8 HOURS DAILY’

Good Boy. Now as your health issue is settled let’s get down to the Asli Mudda. I know it feels great when somebody else takes all the pain in scratching your back while you were busy yourself scratching someone else’s. But this Aapsi-Bhagidari is getting more painful than a Bhojpuri porn movie for us citizens of late. After all we don’t want to see our elected representatives busy scratching each other much like a bunch of monkeys in a zoo. So please stop this culture or ban this altogether and pass a resolution to uproot someone’s genital if found engaged in any sort of scratching activity. Now following are the things you must take on priority (more than praising Rajeev Gandhi on hourly basis). Hang on- you can change your turban later.

You Must Act Strongly Against Terrorists & Terrorism – Mr.PM; I am sure Afzal Guru is not your Son-in-law. Not that we really care anything beyond rat ass even if he is. So you please right away let all of us know why that joker is protected more sacredly than what cricketers do with their lower groin. This definitely smells one scandalous affair more so when our Apex court has already ordered the authorities to stop jacking off in public but instead hang this bastard absolutely at anytime they feel like. It is five years since our Apex court has made open their intentions. Five year is a long time I am sure Mr.Prime-Minister. In five years Rakhi Shawant can marry five times, Rahul Gandhi can vouch for Aam-Admi five thousand times; Men-in-blue can get kicked out in the first round – twice from T20 world cup and once from the world cup itself, Sonia Gandhi can learn to speak fluent Hindi and even Mayawati would turn one beautiful lady after thousands of beauty therapy, Dev-Anand can re-release all his movies in color. But to amuse all including Afzal Guru himself, he is still alive and kicking and I am told being served with Biryani of his choice. This is one hell of a hospitality syndrome, I must admit. And what is that nonsense that did the rounds when Delhi government was asked to clarify their stand on the whole issue? When Shiela Dixit has to say the law and order would take a pathetic look (more than the bitch Lady GaGa in a saree) if this jackass is hanged is more bizarre than A.Raja claiming innocence. Your own reaction towards the suggestions of Delhi government is what many claim erupted a laughing hysteria across the world. When you say we are looking at the issue; I pray you didn’t mean you would keep on looking till the point some fanatic plants a bomb right below your posterior and blows your miserable ass to pieces.

And what is that color association with terrorism that seems a latest fascination for most of your cabinet ministers? Why attach color to terrorism? Why that stone in a heap of shit look-alike Lungi clad home-minister farting more loudly than he himself possibly can bear? Why one and all of your party members playing ostrich? Why can’t you just get out of that thing called hypocrisy and face the real problem? Why Rahul Gandhi is busy doing his comparison act when we all very well know his credentials as far as his education goes? Why can’t he just shut the fuck of his uneducated mouth? WTF is going on!!

So as humbly as it can be put – Mr.PM; trust me. People can be more demanding than Karunanidhi and Jagan Mohan Reddy put together. And I don’t see a problem there as the demands are pretty much genuine and rational. As the prime-minister of the country we expect you to take terrorism as the top of your agenda and promise to provide one and all a safe environment to live in than just keeping your party’s vote bank intact. To start with, please be done away with the scoundrels already apprehended like Guru or Qasab and set an example that the terrorists make a toilet out of their Khakis. And most important - stop taking dictations from 10 Janpath from right now. Will you?

You Must Act Against Price Rise – Honestly, I don’t have much hope left on that Grand Canyon with a Niagara Fall look-alike Finance minister to begin with. Our Agriculture minister is such a gem that we can talk to the white asses in Buckingham palace and easily bargain him against the Kohinoor Diamond itself. When the food prices have gone through the roofs of most households the least we expect from the Agriculture minister is some concrete step than some funny facial expressions as if a big black ant just took a good chunk of his balls. We know you have all the wrong people at the wrong places but this criminal-ass Sharad Pawar rewrote history by becoming the biggest oxymoron to sensibility and responsibility. This modern day Nostradamus always finds it fancy to announce when and why milk price and prices of other commodities would rise hence allowing the crooks and manipulators of the market to hoard essential goods in every secrete place available including their underwear leading to an artificial price chaos. For God’s sake the sooner this rascal is shown the door out of this country and deported for exile to somewhere something like Kalapani is better for humanity at large.

Look at the common man Mr.PM. Look at the daily wage laborer. Try to feel the inherent pain behind those constipated looks. If you think they badly need Kayam Churan for a happy time in the toilets then you are wrong again as the same way you were when you said minorities have the first right to natural resources. Rs 100/- for a Kg of Daal , is certain to make even Mukesh Ambani think of postponing the central air-conditioning of Antilia for the time being. Do you Mr.PM realize in India now necessity, comfort and luxury selling at the same price? Onion, Petrol, Beer – Rs 65/-. Why a common man like me would be in a dilemma and have to decide whether to gift a gold jewelry or a Kg of Onion to my wife? Why a certain Sharad Pawar having a face (specifically the area which we usually call mouth) which more or less looks like a Mumbai-Pune expressway tunnel would runaway with my hard earned money in nepotism with his kith and keens? Being an economist yourself please get out of the theorem which every economist believes across the globe – ‘If you can’t convince them then confuse them’ and think how you can transform the constipated look to somewhat a smile, if not a laughter one.

You Must Act Against Corruption And Black Money – I am told our filthy politicians have stashed a lot of black money in Swiss bank and elsewhere. The amount alleged to be so big, with that we can easily buy Trinidad & Tobago, bid for Nauru and Lesotho, Can provide each and every member of RSS a full trouser and a carbon fiber stick, a statue of Mayawati in each and every planet of our solar system including Moon, Can convince Dawood Ebrahim to shoot Mamta Benarjee and Karan Johar at sight, can have all the Bollywood and Hollywood actress to perform nude poll dance for the rest of their life, make Arjuna Ranatunga, Sanath Jayasurya and M.K.Azagiri look fairer after adequate skin treatment, convince Rakhi Shawant to divulge his/her real gender and still be remained with enough change to pocket Togo. In nutshell – we can ask Hamid Karzai to fuck off and purchase the whole of Afghanistan and include all the Mujahidin in our defense forces to balance out the 30000 shortfall of officers. 13^th Opium Regiment – How is this for a name? A real huge amount of money I must confess.

Now as the PM, it is your responsibility to bring all these thugs to book and make sure that their asses are spanked till the point it resembles the red posteriors of all those monkeys who every now and then invade Delhi streets and create mayhem. In that endeavor you first have to let all of us know the names in the list shared by the German authorities. Please don’t hide behind some non-existing international diplomacy as you can’t have your Samosha and eat it too. Gimmicks should strictly be avoided while curbing corruption. More than reprimanding him for showing dissent to CAG report, please educate your good for nothing telecom minister Kapil Sibal to refrain himself from laughing after each sentence he utters. If he has to smile after each sentence then he isn’t fucking funny to begin with. Why Kalmadi is still free and polluting the Ranchi environment at present? Why isn’t he is behind bars and his balls put on red hot charcoals to get the names of all those who were party to the CWG loot. Why Karunanidhi is not made to take off his black goggles so that all can see the crooked and nefarious eyes hiding behind them? Why Raja is not hanged upside down and skinned down all the while forcing him to give a blowjob to Karunanidhi? Why there is no enquiry on the corporate lobbying front and why bitches like Nira Radia and Barkha Dutt are yet to be arrested, provided if you are not planning to confer Nira Radia with a Padma Bhusan next year.

People want to know the roadmap of yours’ which you claimed you will come up in 100 days to get the lakhs and thousands of crores of taxpayer’s money stashed in Swiss banks. You should not make a kind of joke of yourself and the country at large and come out clean with all those names that have illegal money piled up somewhere.

You Must Control The Foot In The Mouth Disease – It was all started by one smartass USA returned Mallu who many say is an accident in political circle and it is continuing till now. This is precisely bad when our able ministers forget the basic ethics of how not to behave like a joker and end up doing things which leaves many high and dry. Mr.PM these funny acts do have an adverse effect on our image in world platform. Take example of Rahul Gandhi – If the hallucination of greatness due to a borrowed surname gets into someone’s head he/she more often than not displays the uncanny love for verbal diarrhea and end up humiliating oneself. This Gandhi scion is full time engaged in proving himself the worst of a fool one can find on any given day. You possibly couldn’t stop him from doing the comparison between SIMI and RSS without knowing much about either RSS or SIMI. Why you are so fragile and weak – hold on. I am not trying to be another Loh-Purush like Advani and clan. Why are you taking dictations from this good for nothing brat? Why you just don’t hang yourself or jump from a cliff rather accepting openly that you are just a caretaker and warming the chair for Rahul Gandhi so that the junior Gandhi feels the warmth when he eventually rests his ass on the chair?

Now look at Kapil Sibal. Sibal as confused as a baby in a topless bar end up questioning the credentials of CAG and Apex court all at the same time. There is a thin line between enthusiasm and idiocy and I am sure Sibal’s both ears need a 180 degree rotation by hand for this small aspect to get into his otherwise hollow head. When a whole bunch of people could see a scam more than a lakh crore, this fine gentleman somehow deduce it to be zero and have the audacity to let the world know about it. Irony till yet no video footage circulated where Sibal is seen down on his knees, holding his ears in front of your office. If I would have been in your position I would have aptly punished this joker which in local parlance known as ‘Murga Banana’. But anyway; yours’ is a case of permanent self-respect disorder. Can’t help much.

Mr.Prime-Minister; the list is literally endless. It is just that I don’t want to scare the living daylights out of you as you are anyway scared to hell by the Mother-Son duo, I am stopping right here. Hope you would show some substance someday (which is highly unlikely from you) and stand up and be counted. I will furnish few more points where your immediate intervention is highly solicited the next time I get a chance to write to you.

Till then take care and sleep well

Jai Hind!!