Being Cynical™: April 2012

Few Of The Personalities Who Irritate Me

Published on: Sunday, April 29, 2012 // Dirty Tricks, Humor, India, Jokers, Politics, Public Interest

Name: Barkha Dutt

Bio: Anchor of NDTV with an oversize ego and misconception that she has screwed every bloody intellectual on this planet and with all probability few from other planets as well.

One among those few who would get you shot for being just around them. My irritation for her dates back to the days when she almost clamed herself the one who won the Kargil war for us single handedly. All the soldiers were there for namesake since it is she and her camera crew beat the shit out of the Pakistanis by capturing their bunkers from a distance and airing it on national television. A self-proclaimed genius in the field of journalism with that uncanny attribute, which only media greats like Tim Sebastian can accumulate after taking a good year and half of tuition from her. She calls herself as the flag bearer of truth and only truth and an example of how neutral a media person should behave. But the only truth that she vehemently showcases in her programs is those which fulfill the inner nefarious intentions of duffer Congress men. She has this unbelievable affinity for Gandhi family and refuses to utter a single word which could go against them. Her truth for fair journalism is intact as long as it is BJP that she is criticizing about. Mere mention of the word Congress and she flaunts that facial expression as if she just got the biggest of the orgasms. While all are aware that she reports to 10 Janpath, not Pranoy Roy, no body till yet was aware about her Dalali network. Along with seasoned crooks like Neera Radia she was exposed to have intimate telephonic conversations in doing some kind of power broking for Congress. No wonder why Amar Sing left politics, since Dalals like Barkha Dutt came to the scene broking almost everything, including their moral and ethics. It requires no mention that her stand is always against Hindus which also describes why she is so head-over-hills in love with the Pakistanis.

Name: Raj Thackeray

Bio: Head of Maharashtra Nava Nirman Sena, which I prefer to call Maha Nalayak Sena. A certified clown of some caliber and in all likelihood should not be called as a human

Someone so correctly and euphorically Tweeted when the rumors of him affected with Swine Flu did the rounds. Thank God, finally the Swine got the flu. But I objected to the Tweet since Swine do have some prestige and self-respect after all. A spoiled brat with a cocooned mindset and overzealous outlook; which starts with the Bihari Taxi drivers and Panipuri walas of Mumbai and pretty much ends there. For him anything that is not Marathi is not worth being there in India. His tired against outsiders in Mumbai makes many wonder, if Mumbai is part of India or the other way round. A hypocrite to the core he advocates every Maharashtrian to adhere to Marathi while sending his own son abroad to study in plum schools. He is the one who reacts like a leech sprinkled with salt at the very sight of a north Indian and asks his goons to beat the hell out of innocent and poor people just because they are not from the state. I won’t be surprised if someday he and his stooges are seen running behind stray dogs to chase them out of the Mumbai vicinity since they don’t bark in Marathi. I can only pity his supporters who are dumb enough to follow someone whose motto in life is to create nuisance and yet calls himself a leader, still being the biggest nonsense of the recent times. A duffer at large and yet behaves as if he has got more balls than the entire Reynolds factory.

Name: Ravi Shastri

Bio: A former Indian cricketer and Cricket commentator of some repute. He has a strong belief that he has got more knowledge of the game than rest of the cricketers, living or otherwise put together. Don Bradman can go to hell if he feels so.

We are not discussing because Ravi Shastri is the greatest commentator ever, but because he thinks he is. ICC chaps are running all over the place like mad dogs to find reasons of deteriorating cricket interest and yet it bewilders me, they haven’t yet taken this Ravi Shastri to task. The primary reason why people have stopped watching Cricket on TV is this chap. After all tolerating the same lines again-and-again for seven hours is a herculean task. I mean how can a professional commentator say ‘That’s what the doctor ordered’ for every boundary that is scored in the match. Didn’t the doctors have any bloody business left than ordering cricketers to score boundaries? If someone asks me the primary reason for failure of Indian team, I won’t go much beyond this guy either. Every time he bumps in the box he claims a couple of Indian wickets and that too the set batsmen or suddenly a great spell of the bowler goes haywire and the entire Indian bowling line up looks like comprised of only Ashok Dindas or Piyush Chawlas. If that is not good enough, his one-liners every now-and-then makes Digvijay Sing look so loving in comparison. Singles are the key, at the end of the day there would be one winner, batsmen should rotate the strike; odd boundaries would come. I mean holy crap. I am still counting how many times Cricket has emerged as the winner at the end of the day. If Mamta Banarjee wants to be in the good book of the citizens, rather banning newspapers there, she must arm-twist the UPA government to ban this torture on TV. By the way, the least the BCCI can do is to make sure that Ravi Shastri and Rameez Raza doesn’t pair up at the same time.

Name: Manish Tiwari

Bio: National spokesperson of Congress for reasons best known to the Congress Italian high command. Among the lot, he perhaps is the finest in vomiting a Webster dictionary on the Prime-Time.

Again we are not discussing because he has some Nobel laureate’s knowledge base but because he thinks he does. The inventor of the phrase – ‘Elected and Electable’. I just want to slap him for this line alone. I don’t know what that shit really means but just want to slap him for the line itself. He is the numero-uno and the other regular irritation on prime-time news slots beside Arnav Goswami. With an astounding personality he is the Junior Buchhak’s guide book of Indian politics. He knows everything; pretty much everything except how big an idiot he is. The rare quality of his is to cover up the Gandhi family with his teeth and porcupine hairdo, no matter what. Given a chance, he might just find BJP as the main culprit for 84 Sikh riots as well. A big mouth from birth he is at par with Digvijay Sing and a perfect hire apparent for the post of nonsense vomiting in Congress once Diggi Raja is shot down by somebody someday. Ask him on the achievements of Congress, he will start from the day when Jawaharlal Nehru touched lady Mountbatten quite inappropriately. So voluminous he is, he can write a whole book on Rahul Gandhi as a phenomenon. A perfect bootlicker of Gandhi family and a slave of rare breed.

Name: Teesta Setelvad

Bio: A vulture who feeds on the dead of Gujarat riot. Single motto in life is to keep on barking against Narendra Modi so that meat pieces are thrown at her by her pay masters in Delhi.

I am told she runs an NGO. Nonsense Gandhi Organization, that is. For last ten years she claims she is relentlessly trying to frame Narendra Modi by hook or crook. To her credit she got hold of a certain woman in the name of Zakia Zafri who agreed to play the role of Jony Lever in the whole frame Modi movie. She also has other achievements to her credit like making the riot victims to parrot her lines in the court against Modi. In her mission towards filling her own coffers went so horrid that she ended up fabricating the truth to benefit some in Delhi. When her barking went overture the Apex court rightfully gave few rap on the knuckles and reprimand her to stop introducing paid witnesses. What is it? A public gathering of Rahul Gandhi where you ferry audiences in trucks with the promise of packaged Biriyani? But that hasn’t deterred this thug and leech of highest quality to stop feeding on dead bodies. For her brilliant service towards her Excellency (not India), Gandhi family and Congress, she was awarded with a Padma Bhushan this year. I am sure; it is only my pet Golu who is left to receive any such award. Rest all have pretty much got it.

Name: Renuka Chowdhury

Bio: Another of those loser National Spokesperson of Congress and a big, Err.. Motor mouth. For her a good debate is when you attack other debaters, not their points.

A lady avatar of Manish Tiwari in many ways but with a difference. While Manish is still an elected member this lady has badly lost her seat in Khamam. So it is kind of surprising to see someone who can’t establish the chord among her own people talking big about national fabrics and that too quite aggressively at that. Every time she is on TV, you are sure to see her debating like two neighbors fight when one’s pet shit around other’s front door. Helloooooooo, is the standard way she starts all her statements. Not sure what she tries to achieve by that long hello, but for sure it irritates me to the hilt so much so that I wish I can test fire Agni-V on her. Another bootlicker belonging to the class of Manish Tiwari and Manishankar Aiyar and possesses that uncanny habit of behaving like Rakhi Shawant by the mere mention of the name Rahul Gandhi. For her, everything wrong that is happening (including the birth of Priyanka’s kids) is because of BJP’s six year rule. Given a chance, she might just confer Sonia Gandhi with a Noble prize for peace and get herself one also.

Name: Lalu Yadav

Bio: Ex-Chief Minister of Bihar and now pretty much a buffoon. The only person in the history of mankind who can eat both toilets and cattle food without any hesitation whatsoever.

DO I REALLY NEED TO WRITE ON HIM?

Our Restaurants Need A Magical Change

Published on: Saturday, April 28, 2012 // Humor, India, Public Interest, Review, Story

I am not a foodie nor is a food critic, if someone can tell me what the hell a food critic is all about. Still, for me, I am ok with the criticism of any food or the cook who has prepared it as long as you don’t waste a rim of paper in describing its taste or make the cook the president of the nation. I am also fine with the minimal taste of the food or the ambiance where I am eating it as long as the food is not British which invariably always taste absolute shit or the place isn’t an Udipi restaurant. That said I am seriously worried of our hospitality manners and standards every time I venture out to have my lunch or dinner. The sensibility, sanctity, sanity and many of those which you normally associate with a sane mind seems like gone for a toss, every time I step inside an average restaurant of any city. Let me say this, my observations are limited to Tire-III or at best Tire-II restaurants since I don’t dine at five star hotels for two primary reasons.

Because my debit card might just run away as shown in that SBI advertisement at the very sight of the bill amount and as it is I also am not that great at utensil cleaning either

It is suffocating to see that overtly emotional hospitality of the hostesses with almost choking tone as if they are watching Lalit Modi hugging Sashi Tharoor with Rajiv Shukla putting on an ugly fitting suit standing beside with a moist pair of eyes.

So here we go, on things that need some serious consideration of our hoteliers before Arnav Goswami can pick up the story and start debating it with a dozen panelists, which could also have Manish Tiwari one of them.

The Menu Card: Not all but majority of them try to win a Nobel Prize in literature for the Menu Card alone. For God’s sake I want to know what you can offer me to suppress my hunger a bit, not a book thrown at me which in all likelihood is as shitty as the manuscript of Ra.One. I don’t mind you describing the item a little bit to build the confidence among the eaters that you are not serving outright poison or help those foreign chaps who invariably spend the entire day inside the loo after getting impressed with the word ‘Tandoori Chicken’. But naming the food item that no way sounds like food but resembles with India TV news headlines is as bizarre as doubting how can the stage break when Nitin Gadkari was on it. ‘Samundar Ki Lehron Se’ for the seafood section. Really? Who the duffer comes up with such names? Somebody answer this to me right away. Or all of you have hired the guy who gives names to Ekta Kapoor’s soap operas? And what about the individual items? Do we really have something bloody ‘Prawn Maratha’ at the first place? What’s the specialty of the dish or how it is prepared differently from the standard Prawn curry that you have given such an impressive name? Or is it, the great Maratha Sharad Pawar who is personally going to serve it every time you order one? And please someone educate these chaps that we have enough conflict with the Chinese on various fronts, including Chang the Indian idol winner. So last thing we can afford is another front opened when we so blatantly humiliate their food in every restaurant of ours. If I was Wen Jiabao, then I would have already issued orders long back to drop few nuclear bombs by just looking at something called Chicken Manchurian in Indian menus. What the hell a Manchurian is by the way, which you call a Chinese dish which even the Chinese never knew exists?

The Washrooms: People are here to eat not to shit. True, but taking this line too seriously lands all of us with the kind of washrooms that we find in average restaurants. Half of our restaurants force the female dinners to curb their urge to go for a pee by their sheer disinterest towards building up something called descent washrooms. Now if someone can’t understand why majority of female eaters look like Rakhi Shawant, I can only pity they don’t understand how the facial expression can change dramatically when you try to weather some terrible pain. It is only for that long habit of Indian males in discharging almost anywhere including car tyres and electricity polls, they appear to manage with the washrooms but trust me they are no better for men either. For majority of our restaurants, a thing called hand-wash is as alien as hair for Rajat Sharma. The piece of soap they so unceremoniously keep for patrons to use becomes a floppy mass of shit soon, only to be thrown at people like Aakar Patel as a sign of disgrace. With all honesty, given a chance, I would rather run towards Digvijay Sing and kiss his chicks than using it. The hygienic condition of most washrooms remains fixed as the IQ level of Rahul Gandhi. Dismal that is. I bet, a person who can stare a good minute at the bowl and then still can proceed to answer the nature call not only must be conferred with the highest civilian award but also his brain must be preserved to know how to tolerate the future Lalu Yadavs of the nation. That said, here I have figured out a trend in our advantage though. The conditions of the washrooms are pathetic with proportional to the quality of food they prepare. A good bet could be to rush in first inside the washroom to check before deciding on to dine or not. Trust me, you won’t be betrayed by my theorem.

Ambiance: I can eat at a roadside Thela, but again he doesn’t claim his Thela to be a restaurant either. Hence the least I can expect from a restaurant is a place where I can sit and have my food without spilling it on myself. How one can think of making tables with all four legs of different length can only be explained by Nirmal Baba it seems. Least we talk about the piece of table cloth you put on is better since I am still struggling to conclude which looks more scary – the piece of cloth or facing up the fast and furious Venkatesh Prasad. I am sure, as long that shit is spread on the table the so called appetizers would fail miserably to increase the appetite of the diners. And what about that song that is playing in the background? In the name of song, all that you can force us to listen is the gazhals of Pankaj Udhas? That too from that skewed up album Nasha? Until someone doesn’t get annoyed and threaten to dislocate few front row teeth of your staffs you keep us listening that song which I am sure Pankaj Udhas wouldn’t be listening anymore. And heavens, what you have for a change? The ‘Breathless’ album of KennyG? Who has told you that saxophone increases one’s business? And son, take those curtains out immediately and send them to the laundry without wasting any time. Let me assure you, looking at a piece of cloth hanging out in front you, which perhaps haven’t seen what water looks like since its creation is not something one appreciates while having his/her food. If you really want ugly and dirty things around your restaurant, then you can make Munaf Patel sit across my table if you wish but not these. In fact anything but these curtains. Please.

Hospitality: I wouldn’t have highlighted this point, if not for one thing. I want the answer and that too in a hurry. Is it you guys who got inspired by Rajiv Shukla or is it the other way round? I mean, I am no Barrack Obama nor I am sure the majorities that turn up at your place are. I have absolutely no issues if someone putting on a pair of trousers and a shirt takes my order. In fact I am even fine with if he puts on a pair of jeans and T-shirt reading some crappy quote or even for that matter a simple authentic Lungi as in the case of Udipi restaurants. Why you have to make your waiters wear those grossly ill-fitting blazers? I mean why? The very sight is so irritating that on any day I would rather prefer listening to Dr. Manmohan Sing addressing the nation than someone so horrid looking fella taking my orders. Trust me, had I been in the place of that waiter I would have charged extra for putting that blazer since turning yourself to a clown, yet working in a restaurant deserves some extra bucks. Ok fine, you can play those Pankaj Udhas or KennyG in the background but please take these blazers off the shoulders at once.

The Funny Thing In India Called The Police Force

Published on: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 // Humor, India, Losers, Public Interest, Story, Touts

I am not particularly impressed with our police force. Before going forward let me clear this; I am not blaming the force alone and entirely. Looking at the type of government we have at the center, it is only expected that our forces would be exactly same as the government we have. That is corrupt, nonfunctional, incompetent and most important useless.

The regular news on various dailies of yet another notorious act of our police force doesn’t better the opinion of ours on the quality and morality of the kind of internal security apparatus that we have. Coupled to it is our own Bollywood which quite genuinely haven’t yet shown a single police officer who could be considered so called clean or if at all they have shown, they followed it with either the death or suspension of the officer by his own conspiring and corrupt subordinates. I don’t blame the Bollywood either. They again are following the footsteps of the government that is installed at the center. That is, manipulative, reacting to the gallery and as always a lot of gimmickry.

The future of the force is not looking great either. This conclusion is simply derived by just looking at a couple of Facebook profiles and their owners in real life since few of these would definitely be part of our police force in future. The current lot of Social Media buffs for whom Café Coffee Day outlets are no less an important place than the college libraries and Sreesanth a great role model. Expecting them to change the fabrics, psyche, moral and ethics of our police force in future is as unrealistic as expecting Rajiv Shukla to put on a suit someday that fits him. In fact I am very hopeful of the current so called “Youngistan” lot to achieve absolutely nothing in future and it is only advisable that we build till Agni-12 and auction out 7G before we bid adieu to this planet since that would be the end of anything and everything that you associate with achievement and innovation.

Coming back to the topic. A recent news of Delhi Police and their tremendous achievement at least convinced me that we really don’t require these guys in our neighborhood. Honestly, we don’t and you have to believe me on this. While investigating on the murder of an aged couple, our police arrested the nephew of the deceased since he only informed the control room of the murder. Argument in favor of such action was the presence of the footmarks of the nephew inside the room where the crime was committed and the blood stains on his shoes. As always Delhi Police do when they feel they are going nowhere, they beat the living daylights out of the man arrested so much so that he confessed to the crime he never committed and even agreed to share the murder weapon with them. I am sure Delhi Police would have done away with a little Sabashi for such phenomenal success, if not for their screwed up biology knowledge. To counter the defense lawyers and to establish the murder our police team painted the knife with AB+ blood group which they thought would explain the mystery of the deceased who had A+ and B+ blood group respectively. You can easily guess how big the rap on the knuckles that the honorable high-court must have delivered to our police team.

Have you guys heard of that More chap of Mumbai? I must say, he has some bravado of rare quality. As simple as it can get, he promptly picked up a teenager from the streets, took her to the police station and raped her. Simple, crisp and clinical. I was expecting Mumbai police force to be half of its strength the next day since that would be the half who probably would jump into the Arabian Sea or off Khandala cliffs out of shame. But nothing of that kind happened since most of them were not sure how to react or even, if they are required to react or not at the first place. Since raping someone is not a funny thing the idiot is behind bars from that day with a case or two on his name and in all likelihood nothing happening to him anytime in the near future. In fact I am told More is going to get that impeccable mortal stature alongside our state guest Mr. Ajmal Amer Kasav in a felicitation function soon.

Keeping aside these honorable examples, in general the achievements of our police force is no less ornamental. Random streets of any city are hijacked by Paan chewing policewalas with barricades erected and safety checks done on the poor motorists during office hour. Real intention is not traffic safety but something else. Ask the same men to report as soon as possible for a distress call, the agility they show while checking for helmets or PSU certificates will vaporize quicker than Abhisekh Manu Singvi’s sex CD went viral on the web. They not only mess up their duty outside but also make a hara-kiri of their in-office behavior. If hospitality is taken into account even the Talibanis might file a case in international court to exonerate them of any false accusation on their ‘worst in the world’ unruly behavior towards the visitors. Any person who has gone even once to any police station to file an FIR only knows, in terms of torture what is equivalent to watching Ra.One in a theater. In fact at times I feel law and order has got nothing to do with our police force. Hang on; or is it the reverse?

One more great quality of our police force is that they are so pathetically predictable. How many times you have seen people getting away from serious traffic offences by paying Rs 100/- note or worse at times even a bottle of Maaza? What is predictable here is the confidence in you to approach the police with an offer of bribe and more often than not coming out with flying colors. You can put your finger on any Khaki cap and can safely bet your life for him to be corrupt and I am sure if you happen to lose your life in the gamble then your fate is grossly rotten, only next to that of Manmohan Sing.

By the way, somebody just confirmed, it is a handsome 23.72% of all the corrupt of India belong to our police forces. The force definitely deserves a Padma Bhushan!!

The Absurdity Called Mamta Banarjee

Published on: Monday, April 23, 2012 // India, Jokers, Losers, Politicians, Politics, Public Interest

I feel sorry for the Bengalis and West Bengal as a whole. No, not for losing Dada to Pune Warriors but for losing their identity and independence to someone called Mamta Banarjee and team.

A state which was considered the harbinger of new era intellectualism and gateway of India for trade, education, international collaborations is now in shatters. A state which has to its credit possesses the oldest college of India; a state which has produced more freedom fighters than rest of India combined; a state which flourished as any other contemporary metropolis of the world during the British era is systematically been ripped of its identity, value system and everything that was good about it. First it was the three and half decades of absolute misrule of the CPI(M) government which saw the declining of the state’s image at an alarming rate so much so that the once considered heaven for investors saw the potential parties running away scared. Thanks to the seventeenth century mindset of the left and their continuous patronage to labor unions and their unrealistic and unethical strikes every couple of months, the state which was once flourishing with industries all around has now absolutely nothing that you can call an industrial establishment. That was a period when dirty politics took the center stage and soon the streets of Kolkata and elsewhere were notoriously hijacked by CPI(M) goons. Innocents lost their lives in the cross fire and the vibrant and prospering state was made a popper within no time. A city like Kolkata, which once promised to be like New York someday pretty much remained stagnant in terms of development for last forty years. All thanks to the mindless and visionless governance of the left.

People were fed up with this repeated mishandling of state affairs. They wanted a change desperately, which was evident from the way they voted for Mamta Banarjee, who came forward as a street fighter with a promise of PORIVARTAN. She promised porivartan in everything that was going wrong in the state. She promised porivartan in the way governance was been carried out by the left. She also promised porivartan in the life style of the masses which was ruined by the left government. A lot of porivartan was promised in Didi’s manifesto. As expected, the left were decimated a year back by Didi’s juggernaut. A year has passed since that historic day and it is time we ask – did the people of Bengal saw any of the porivartan that Didi promised them during the elections? Critics and cynics might answer a big YES since the porivartan is evident as rapes and Mafiosi of TMC goons were taken lightly while cartoons are taken way too seriously. A great Porivartan indeed.

One year since Didi is occupying the writers building and all that we hear when we ask of her achievement in these 365 days is a cry baby. Every damn wrong that happened in these 12 months were promptly been pushed into CPI(M)’s plate. From rape of women in busy Kolkata streets to the death of numerous infants; for everything the left and their rule of 35 years was accused. The rampage of TMC goons on city corners to political clashes in the interiors of the state resulting in deaths of many cadres; you guessed it, the left were held culprit. From the precarious financial position of the state to the lack of basic amenities to many, the left rule was mascaraed. All that we hear Didi doing for last twelve months (other than blackmailing the center) is only setting things right that was so wronged by the left government. Really? While a lot of porivartan was promised, people in turn are seeing a completely nonfunctional government at the helm, busy with their vendetta politics and self-serving purposes. Looking at the number of tantrums that are thrown at us by Didi and her lieutenants in the first year itself, I have no hesitation in convincing myself that what CPI(M) couldn’t achieved in 34 years, the TMC did that in twelve months only. I feel sorry for the people because in a choice between devil and the deep sea, they might just have elected the devil herself. While the rule of the left was atrocious to say the least, Mamta Banarjee is a complete waste in comparison with no signs of improvement whatsoever.

To start with, Didi’s attitude has a lot to be desired. The behavior shown by her as a democratically elected representative is not what falls under the paradigm of democracy or the ethos of our constitution. The ‘I Care Damn’ for the same people and their sentiments who gave her this landslide mandate is not what defines our democracy. The handling of Dinseh Trivedi and the whole rail budget was a farce of highest quarters. While she being the CM of a state shouldn’t have any business whatsoever in central matters, she conveniently decided to put her party chief’s cap instead. In an attempt to show her one upmanship and arrogance she not only made a mess of a good budget presented by Mr. Trivedi but also took the central government to ransom. The proposition of her to either have Trivedi removed and the proposed fare hike (absolutely required) be rolled back or forget TMC as an ally at the center, is a clear proof of her ego tussle with her own party members. As useless as our central government can be, Didi’s demands were honored and the poor man who genuinely wanted good for the railways was shown the door. A classic case of a gentleman in the company of a bad and arrogant woman.

If that wasn't good enough, it seems in the regime of Didi, a concept called freedom of speech and freedom of expression has gone for a toss. While rapes and rapists were given a freehand and the incidents never been taken seriously, Didi and her men are hell bent on arm-twisting anyone and everyone who possesses an opinion which is even remotely against Mamta Banarjee and her style of functioning. The arrest of a Jadavpur University professor for mailing cartoons of Mamta Banarjee speaks a great length on what is the priority for this useless lady. The bitter truth of her absolute callousness towards governance was on display when the professor was promptly arrested and put behind bars for just drawing cartons while the rapists are roaming around free on Kolkata streets in search of their next prey. An internationally reputed microbiologist working for the welfare of the slum dwellers was arrested because he let his dissatisfaction towards the nonfunctioning of Mamta government known to the media. For no apparent crime the intellectual was forced to languish behind bars, only to be released when there was an outcry in the media and among the scientist’s community. Another retired professor was badly assaulted by the TMC goons and his thirty year old daughter was manhandled and molested in full public view since he dared to criticize Mamta’s nonsense. While the Kolkata police was so prompt in arresting innocents was nowhere to be seen to safeguard the oppressed and arrest the TMC thugs. Well not entirely their fault though since arresting a TMC rascal might prompt Mamta to storm the police station herself and make a Nithyananda out of the officer in charge. This is not a presumption but a fact backed by pictorial evidence. So better to stay away from this garbage called Mamta Banarjee could be the mantra.

Forget Mamta; even a mere look at her ministers will give you less confidence than what you have on our football team to play the next world cup. The intolerance level is so high among the TMC buffoons that blinded by their vendetta politics they are in a mission to even socially boycott the CPI(M). In a public gathering one clown from TMC even urged the people of Bengal to stay away from the left as far as possible and don’t get their children married in CPI(M) supporter's house. Funny. No? And ask that Sathyasai Baba lookalike spokesperson of TMC called Derek O’Brein on what this latest nonsense is all about; you will be greeted with the info on how Time magazine has included his worthless Didi into top 100 influential people of the world. It seems what that quiz master wants all of us to do is that we all should take a paid leave and discuss this Time magazine list whole day forgetting how worthless the lady in her real life is.

By the way, can someone from the joker camp furnish the list of newspapers that were banned in government institutions (including libraries) for being left centric and the cell number of a good lawyer and few bouncers if the TMC goons and Didi’s Kolkata police come calling on me after reading this blog?

P.S – All said and done, my vote for next president goes to Didi. Because I believe a nonsense can only be replaced by another nonsense and better a bigger one at that!!

With Love, To Our President Pratibha Patil

Published on: Tuesday, April 17, 2012 // Dirty Tricks, India, Losers, Nepotism, Open Letter, Politics, Public Interest

Dear Respected Her Excellency,

First and foremost, this letter is not addressed to the President of this great country but to a certain Pratibha Devising Patil on individual level, who unfortunately is the president herself.

Please be noted, when I say ‘Her Excellency’ I strictly mean the honorable chair which you unfortunately are occupying for last five years. Else on personal and individual ground, you absolutely are worth of nothing, let alone the president ship. If you want the reason, you can safely term it as our luck which doesn’t seem anything brighter than that of N.D. Tiwari that we are not only have to tolerate someone as useless as you as our president but also have to weather, way too many tantrums of yours’ which are highly uncalled for. Or plain-and-simple, we as a nation full with morons perhaps deserves nothing better than someone like you as our state head.

Do you realize how it feels for us Indians to tell the rest of the world, who the president of our republic is? I am sure even the Pakistanis would also be rolling on the floor laughing, seeing what we have for a president, even though they have someone called Zardari for their credit. The installation of such people like you becomes more painful than an average Ramgopal Varma movie when we know whom you replaced as the first citizen of this nation. When we were feeling proud to let know the world about a certain A.P.J Abdul Kalam as being our president back then, now we are running away hiding our faces, much like the way guys do in front of the camera when apprehended by police from a rave party. This is the kind of paradigm shift that you have brought in to our national psyche and national pride.

Not sure about others but you know what pisses me off most when I think about you as our president? The manner in which you were shoved down our throat by a con party for their personal gain. It annoys more to see the chair which you are unfortunately soiling for last five years was once occupied by great thinkers, visionaries, scientists and educationists like Sarvapalli Radhakrishnan, V.V.Giri, Dr. Rajendra Prasad, Zakir Hussain to name few. And what are your credentials to share the same platform with the greats I mentioned above? Cooking? Really? A certified good cook that you are, I am told you were a regular feature inside Indira Gandhi’s kitchen, preparing her favorite Maharashtrian delicacies. Puran Poli or something? You took utmost care always to satisfy the taste buds of Mrs. Gandhi, so much so that she was head-over-heels with praise for your cooking skills and end up giving you license to open cheat funds across Amravati. Rest as they say is history when you and your family members went on rampage with your loot mission of opening fraudulent savings institutions across Amravati and Akola and syphoned out a lot of hard earned money from poor farmers in the name of brighter and secure future. I am told there is not a single family in that region which is not looted by you or your family. Brilliant credentials for someone to become the president of the nation I must say. For this brilliant cooking and looting skill of yours’ Congress duly appraised you with your second installment of non-deserving prize when they shamelessly installed you as the president of this great country and you were also shameless enough to gleefully accept the post knowing very well, you are not even worth being the sweeper of the Rastratpati Bhawan if credentials are taken into consideration. Disgusting, if I may say so or is it still an understatement?

Now let’s look at what you have done since you become the president. To begin with, did by any chance the office of the president has been shifted from Delhi to Pune? If not, then it is about time you must explain your once in every month visit to Pune for no reason whatsoever. As if you being in that post is not good enough of an irritation, you conveniently decided to irate the Pune people with your rampant visits which invariably means half of Pune’s roads are out of bounds for the citizens. The daily slogging crowd, who contributes to nation building unlike you, had to suffer in regular interval just because our worthless and workless president decides to visit her brother and daughter yet again. This is so nonsensical when half of the city had to reel under irritation, traffic jam and what not just to felicitate your inner desire to showcase that Bhanja-Bua and Pota-Nani affection with your brother’s and daughter's kids. While mercy petitions and other official documents of high priority that need some serious attention of the president lye abandoned and biting dust, you conveniently fly around the globe to embarrass the citizens further or worst engaged in a game of Table Tennis in Jalgaon.

Let’s talk a little about your lifestyle since you become the first citizen (a reason good enough for many nation loving individuals to hang themselves). Do you madam realize how big a hole you have punctured into the exchequer just by your irritable flying habits? Ever? Once in last five years? While you are not even worthy enough to fly with one support staff, you regularly holiday around the globe with at least 90 of them, which includes 6 chefs, 2 bottlers, 4 housekeeping staffs and I don’t want to believe this one, one masseuse. Heavens? These Libyan rebels are definitely duffers and liars since I am sure they haven’t killed him but instead Muammar Gaddafi must have committed suicide after hearing about your lifestyle. Hence it would be mighty nice of you if you can right away let us know what made you to engage in so many foreign trips for no reason and what are your precise contributions to the nation that we should pay for your non-deserving luxury from our pockets. To make your life easy, even a single instance of you contributing to the society would suffice. No, opening fraudulent chit fund banks to loot poor farmers is no way a contribution to the society.

Your holidaying were so magnanimous that you broke all records of previous presidents when you forced us common tax payers to pay a whopping 106 crores through our noses for your foreign trips alone. Honestly I am paranoid to even calculate the total amount that we might have coughed up in last five years to ornament the President’s house with the pet cook of Congress party. For me, in last five years if one asks to furnish the two burning instances of huge amount of public money getting wasted on official purpose, I perhaps won’t go much beyond YOU and the foster son of Congress, Kasav. As a matter fact, in terms of usefulness for the nation I don’t see much difference between you and Kasav, though you were holidaying (read wasting public money) in Bali when the later was creating mayhem on Mumbai streets. That was another funny incidence we are ashamed to tell the rest of the world. When the nation was burning, how appropriate was it for the state head to holiday in a foreign location on Tax payer’s money is there for anybody to judge.

And what about that land grabbing that you are indulged in Pune of late? I am told as a customary retirement home for the President you are hell-bent on having a Manson kind of stuff sprawling across three football stadiums? Really? Why for? And yet again, what substantial you have done that you should be privy to such luxury in expense of public money and Army land? When hundreds of Western front Jawans can’t bring their family along just because there is an acute shortage of accommodation, why in earth we should build a Bungalow for you costing us a good 100 crore? Why instead we shouldn’t build homes for destitute and street children with that money than spending on someone like you who at best was a good cook to impress a woman in power and hoodwinked a lot of poor farmers in the process before becoming the president and kept on looting officially? Why can’t you be satisfied with the standard retirement homes that every predecessor president availed? Why it have to be on a five acre land which that too belongs to the Army? Wasn’t it enough that we as a nation tolerated a nonsense like you far too long a period of 5 years that we have to make way for a 5 star retirement Manson for you? Honestly, another cook of some repute who must be overtly jealous of your luck must be Sanjeev Kapoor. The poor chap who is cooking for last three decades on various TV shows and yet none has offered him a Panchayat ticket. Justice is so farfetched in India. No?

And by the way madam President. You just recently signed an enquiry privilege letter to ask our Apex court to come transparent on their 2G ruling so that people whom you cooked for four decades can have their priorities safeguarded. As a piece of questionnaire – Do you really understand what a privilege letter is all about or you just sign on anything that your masters order you to?

Regards

Someone who loves Puran Poli very much!!

Power Of Intolerance

Published on: Monday, April 16, 2012 // India, Public Interest, Religion, Story

Our society has largely turned into one big mess. The fundamental pillars that build any civilized society have long lost its identity in our case. While harmony, respect to other’s opinion, freedom of speech, equality to all should be the norm of the day, it has long been hijacked and replaced with hatred, intolerance and appeasement. We not only have replaced the core ethos but also have the audacity to flaunt the wrong and advocate all to go by their own way if the requirement arises. We all have opinions so strong that we have long forgotten that there is something called ‘Agreeing To Disagree’. Instead, for most of us it is either my way or the highway. Instances are plenty when we have turned violent if our demands, opinions or heck even our sentiments are not properly addressed.

How this happened? While the precise reasons are pretty much farfetched, there are ample examples of us going nuts at the drop of a hat. The people whom we elect to rule the nation are unfortunately at the forefront in flaunting their intolerance for every damn thing that is remotely associated with them.

Look at the recent arrest of a Jadavpur University professor for absolutely no crime. While one is allowed of his opinion as long as it is not disturbing or vulgar in literal sense, the professor in question was apprehended for not making either of them but daring to question the ego quotient that Mamta Banerjee possesses. Interesting enough the poor professor realized the ego quotient of Didi the bitter way. Honestly the cartoon for which the man was arrested contains nothing untoward that should even call for a questioning, let alone the arrest. But surprisingly the lady with an overzealous attitude made a mountain out of a mole and in her frantic pursuance of that one-upmanship, acted in such haste that we don’t even expect the roadside ruffians to exercise. A person who happens to be a politically elected representative honoring no lesser than the Chief-Minister’s chair is not expected of this ego showcasing. This is so unlikely of someone who calls herself as a so called leader and swears by the ‘Maa, Maati, Manush’ punch line. Truth be told, if the intolerance indexes of all our political figures are taken into account, one shouldn’t be surprised by an ounce if Mamta Banerjee tops the list. She has got multiple examples to her credit where her ego has taken the better of her sense, maturity and governance. In her attempt at breaking yet another intolerance world record, which we all know by the name of ‘Vendetta Politics’, she stopped the supply of all those dailies in various government institutions (that also includes libraries) which had some history of towing the CPM’s line. Going ahead, I am told she has also decided to rewrite history since she wants Karl Marx and other communist leader's names be stroked out from all government supplied books. While the crime rate and other social stigmas like women safety and child mortality has increased significantly since she took oath, with her own party cadres are all over the place creating ruckus, she is busy garnering and flaunting her ego everywhere than seriously introspecting on the type of governance she has promised to the masses before the elections and what she has delivered. That is how intolerant a CM one can see where she conveniently blames CPM for every wrong that is happening to the state in her regime but takes personal interest in getting the poor professor arrested for perhaps speaking the truth through his caricature.

I hope none has forgotten the bizarre Salman Rushdi saga during the Jaipur literary fest. While the same man has come to India many a number of times to address at various platforms, including a full house of our parliamentarians; he got this objection from a certain section of the society on his proposed visit. The classic case of intolerance of an entire community came to the fore which eventually forced Salman Rushdie to cancel his visit or may be the organizers asked him to say so or whatever. For a crime if it can be ascertained, Rushdie has spent most part of his life in exile and hiding since he published his controversial book a good couple of decades back. More than 20 years since but the intolerance among his own men form his own religion hasn’t died down. Blinded by the self-serving purpose, few managed to hoodwink a hell lot others in the name of religion yet again to protest against the scheduled visit. While the same man has visited way many number of times earlier to this country without a single soul making any kind of noise, the latest visit was blown out of proportion by design and to protect their much preserved votebank the government in power rhymed along the protesters and allowed the intolerance to get the privilege. If anything, a very bad precedence was set by none other than the government in power who claim themselves to be highly secular in their act, actions and speeches. Intentionally for political gain, intolerance was given preference over mature and sensible thinking all the while feeding the intolerants with enough self believe that hatred does make wonders in fulfilling some mollified intentions.

The way whole of Maharashtra reacted on Shivaji’s controversial book is worth mentioning on any platform that is debating on global hatred. James laine’s book on Shivaji was banned by few hate mongrels who even didn’t cared to flip through couple of pages at least before showcasing their anger. Conveniently enough, the then government decided to flow along the agitators than standing for the freedom of speech. Imminent political gain yet again came in the way of mature governance and the book is banned, without even been read once. The hatred didn’t stop right there at the banning of the book. As part of acknowledgement since the book has taken the name of a Shivaji memorial library of Pune, the agitators and so called worshipers of the great man went ahead vandalizing the institution established in memory of the person they were agitating for. No one was asked a single question on this hara-kiri, nor anyone was brought to book for such blatant disrespect for the law of the land. Individual intolerance yet again took better of every sensibility that defines a mature and responsible society.

The examples are many and as I mentioned earlier, reasons are farfetched. While earlier you were speaking your mind and heart on things that was affecting you and the nation, now truncheons are conveniently installed at various places as many have become a lot less tolerable. You can’t criticize the Member of Parliament, the dysfunctional government, the rampant corruption or for that matter even on any member of a particular family. People have become less resilient to digest the truth so much so that a union minister tries his best to bring in checks and balances on what you post on your Twitter, Facebook or on your personal blog. Top executives of online social websites are called upon to adhere to the dictate of the government since the ego and intolerance of few people is bigger than the national ethos and architecture of free speech. You are literally ordered to speak what others want to hear since a derailment in there hurts their sentiments and hence calls for serious counterattack and rage.

How this happened? Who to blame? Who is responsible? Of course there are those who are more responsible than others and they would certainly be held accountable. But again truth be told, if you are looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror.

Open Letter To Teesta Setalvad

Published on: Thursday, April 12, 2012 // Appeasement, Congress, Dirty Tricks, Gujurat riots, India, Losers, Narendra Modi, Open Letter, Politics, Public Interest, Vote Bank

Dear Teesta Javed,

At the outset let me clarify this. You might fancy carrying dual names like Kautilya and Chanakya and love to be known by the duplicate one of Teesta Setelvad, but I will still refer you by the name that is originally yours. After all, who the idiot on earth changes his/her name for no reasons, provided they don’t carry some nefarious intentions like David Coleman Headley. But for reasons best known to you, you changed it to some Setelvad. Let me make some wild guess. Is it a childish attempt at making your name sound more like a neutral messiah of the oppressed since Javed was making it sound very much Islamic? Or was Javed becoming too common a name for the image of a larger than life social activist like you? You can always send me a private message on my Twitter handle to let me know how good I am at guesswork.

Anyway Teesta, to begin with I want to make a confession. Of late I am in a bad habit of writing letters to people who are outright garbage and who shouldn’t be taken seriously anything beyond Lalu’s level. Hence you featuring in the list of my designated recipients is no surprise but quite expected. So let’s carry on with the letter.

You know what Teesta? I am still confused like Manmohan Sing (well he has a separate confusion on who the real PM of the nation is) to fathom what exactly you are. A so called social activist standing up for the humanity or a crooked money hungry leech that makes a living out of the dead, all the while shouting from the roof top and self-proclaiming herself to be the messiah of the minorities? More precisely, the minorities of Gujarat, with a special mention of the Sher-E-Minority ‘The Ehshan Zafri & Family’. What are you? Someone who genuinely fights for the right cause and for the oppressed or a filthy vulture that feasts on the dead meat and keeps on increasing her bank balance? What are you? A common citizen in a mission for justice or yet another of those lousy Congress agents fed with thrown away meat pieces in regular interval like a bull dog and instructed by the high command to bark as and when needed? What are you? Someone who wants justice be delivered to Gujarat riot victims or one who dearly wants Narendra Modi be hanged by hook or crook, since your bosses in Delhi want that and you obediently wag your tail? What are you? Someone who genuinely preaches the lines of the Mahatma and follower of his Ahimsa philosophy or just another rascal spewing lies everywhere and parroting witnesses to vomit fabricated statements in the courtroom?

Moving forward; do you know Teesta why many of us get annoyed by the very mention of your name? Not because we love Narendra Modi too much or because you look like the lady avatar of Inzamam-Ul-Haq. For all that we care if Narendra Modi is proved of his guilt, please do hang him on the nearest lamppost you get hold off. We don’t endorse criminals blindly just because they belong to our religion. Might be applicable for few other religions but that is not the trademark of the Hindus. The thing about you that pisses off many is the truck load of hypocrisy and lie that is stuffed inside you. Have you ever marked how far you have grown horizontally since Congress strategically employed you to bark against Modi? That is not because you have started eating too much off late but because you are stuffing yourself with too much lie and of course the easy money that the Congress biggies keep on transferring to your account from their Swiss bank accounts. While I am not too sure of your initial intentions when you started this fight against Modi but as of today is concerned, you are not there fighting for the riot victims but you are there to frame Modi somehow so that your paymasters in Delhi will appreciate your tail wagging. That is where you are annoying as all of us know your aggression towards Modi is not natural but politically decorated by people within the Congress power circle.

You shout too loudly and ask every damn idiot if Constitution is applicable in Gujarat or not. Let me first ask you the same thing on humanity since you claim yourself being the sole torch bearer of it. Does humanity is applicable to everyone or it is the proprietary of the minorities only? If those who died during the riots is a gruesome act of humanity miscarriage then what about the 59 who were charred alive by Muslims in Godhra? Don’t those 59 have any human quotient with them? If you are a so called messenger of humanity then why I don’t hear you asking for answers for the death of those 59 Karsevaks to begin with? Or for you killing of Hindus is not a case of humanity going haywire? While you pretend to have brains like those of the Nobel Laureates, you conveniently forget the root cause of the riots to start. Who started the chain of events Teesta? Hindus? Modi? BJP? RSS? VHP? Who? In a world full of intolerance if you believe you will unnecessarily kill 59 innocents of a particular religion and nothing will happen as reaction then I am sure you guys have cleared of your misconception the bitter way. If you ask me Teesta, the anger of the mob seeing unnecessary killing of their own people was bound to snowball into a volcano and that precisely what happened. So before adjusting to your convenience and shouting for the riot victims alone please do some root cause analysis of why this all happened. If killing of 59 at the first place is a non-issue for you then I am afraid we also care rat's posterior for what happened after that.

Let’s get to your pet project Teesta. Can you elaborate how the entire family of Ehsahn Zafri was saved from the angry and blood thirsty mob except Mr. Zafri himself? Why the mob only cherry picked Mr. Zafri to kill while leaving rest of his family? Or the rioters suddenly turned one Ashoka after killing Mr. Zafri? Won’t you think Mrs. Zafri’s case is little fabricated and you have played a vital role in fabricating it? And with all honesty, Mr. Zafri’s past doesn’t look that rosy as you project it to be. A lawyer by profession he was the savior of hardcore criminals. All the criminals of Ahmedabad were very dear to him and he himself had three notorious cases of abduction and attempt to murder registered against him in various police stations. According to one theory, he is the person who was alleged to have sheltered the scoundrels who torched the Sawarmati express, both pre and post the incident. Hence the mob cherry picking him to hack shouldn’t come as any surprise. A second theory suggests his close association with a particular criminal gang of the city might have irate few other anti-socials. Taking advantage of the riot situation the rival gang members came in and settled the score. And please, I will love to slap you if you pop up that non existing Modi – Zafri phone conversation controversy again. If you have call details please furnish it or else just STFU.

I am told, you also been awarded with Padma Shree? Really? No, I am not complaining since, if we can tolerate a complete nonsense as our President for five years, you winning the Padma award is like a minor scratch in comparison to bullet wounds. But that said, this could easily be the second biggest tragedy happening to India since Shahrukh Khan and Karan Johar joined hands to make movies. Honestly you winning the Padma was not that surprising since all the mouth pieces of the Congress are winning one by one, which not as a surprise again, started with the great Barkha Dutt.

By the way Teesta, since SIT has almost given a clean chit to Modi and exonerated him of any of the allegations that you tried to fabricate through your parroted witnesses (remember the rap on the knuckles that you received from our Apex court for this precise reason?) how will you make a living? I pity on you that the days of easy money for you is nearing its end and the poor messiah and the angel incarnate had to do some work to earn her next piece of bread.

All the best for an honorable (hopefully) life in future.

Regards

Someone who hate Pigs to the core!!

Reasons I Love Jerry More Than Our Politicians

Published on: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 // Humor, Politicians, Politics, Story

I always come across with this question from my readers, that why I love Jerry so much? So much so that I have his (though not sure of the gender since Walt Disney failed miserably in confirming that) picture at every available place that I can possibly put, including my display profile of Twitter and Facebook? Even though I could have replied with a standard Jayanthi Natarajanish answer of ‘None Of Your Business’ as it is entirely my prerogative to love whomever I want to which might also include characters like Shreesanth, Uday Chopra, Mayawati, Bisen Sing Bedi, Bejan Daruwala, Arjuna Ranatunga and Khushwant Sing to name few; yet I felt I should answer the WHY as it may not be as earth shattering as passing a silent fart inside a closed lift which has got barely enough space left for the Behenji to protect her modesty. That said I am sure I perhaps would have received a considerable lesser number of WHY had I put Osama Bin-Laden’s picture instead.

Coming back to the question, I love so many things other than just Jerry in my life which also includes my wife (Hope none has a WHY for this one as long as they don’t have a Rakhi Shawant's clone as theirs). But anyway loving your wife is pretty much clichéd as the choices are limited – Either be in a photo frame with a garland on it or start loving your wife in a jiffy; I otherwise look for reasons before I start loving something and here are why I love JERRY so much

Annoying to the core – Had there been Jerry present at Kurukshetra, I am sure Krishna Bhagwan would have stopped acting funny via his recitation of something that we all know by Bhagwat Gita and would have certainly stopped vouching for Tolerance and few of those similar sounding nonsense and we guys would have been spared from hearing terms like ‘Hindi Chini Bhai Bhai’, minority appeasement, Hindu terror, Bajrang Dal, ‘val hoptons var hopon’ and last but not the least Lalkrishna Advani. Now that is what you call raw power of Jerry which can beat the living day lights of the best in the business just by his mere presence. This is what I like most about Jerry – the quality to make even Gautama Buddha lose his temper and do a Dharmendra of Sholay atop a water tank after a good couple of pegs down.

My teacher once told me over a friendly discussion – Son, if you can’t annoy someone by your presence then little point in being there. That goes with your writings as well since it is no point in writing if you can’t annoy few with your writings and holy cow, I couldn’t have got a better role model than Jerry. While I feel sorry for Tom a big way, I still appreciate the qualities of Jerry. When we as a country being bullied and annoyed by everyone including Bangladesh, Nepal and Greg Chappel, who really cares for a certain Tom anyway. The art of annoyance is a tool that can do wonders at the time of need. Look at Pakistan and their annoying capabilities. Thanks to the cracked up habit of Zardari and team to always deploy at least one of them in front of Obama’s residence 24X7 with a begging bowl that the black fellow out of irritation makes huge cuts in his own federal spending as if he were the chief operating manager of Sanjay Gandhi’s vasectomy team and donate billions to Pakistan. Now that’s one Jerry in our neighborhood alone. Just imagine the face of Nilotpal Basu and tell me what you feel? Well I feel like punching football studs in my nuts and jump in front of a road roller. The moment Nilotpal Basu opens his mouth in Jugalbandi with D.Raja, I bet many would be contemplating calling up Philo Fransworth’s home to scold his family members for inventing television.

Keeping it simple and straight – Now that’s one thing which most of us lack. The list includes but not limited to Manish Tiwari, Saurav Ganguly, Karan Johar, Sania Mirza, Budhadeb Bhattacharya, Asit Sen, Arundhati Roy, Sashi Tharoor, Lalit Modi, Arnav Goswami, Krishnamachari Shrikanth, and of course Inspector Daya and ACP Pradyuman hmmm… or may be Dr.Salunke but you got the point? Average Indian suffers from the false faux pass of possessing an illusion of them being highly intelligent and tries to be philosophical in every and any damn thing they do. Do you think India can win this match from here on? There you go. The question follows with a heavy breath as if I asked for both of their kidneys and that look towards the sky still being inside a closed room to give that Ala Socrates impression. Heavens, I bloody asked the simplest of questions that doesn’t require you to turn one philosopher all of a sudden and look at the ceiling of your room and start counting the number of lizard shit on your tube-light. Why can’t you just give me your goddamn opinion without throwing nonsensical tantrums and be done away with it?

I mean have you ever cared to look at the facial expression of Manish Tiwari whenever he tries to vomit a Webster dictionary as an answer for the simplest of questions asked? What do you think about the debate on price rise Mr.Tiwari? Well, even though the concerns are paramount and of philanthropic proportion, the Bahratiya Janta Party is lowering the gravitas of the situation through their affricative theatrics by allowing complete navies with hooligan like mindset to disrupt the sylvatic decorum of the parliament by raising questions of complete non-grata. Hang on; For God’s sake could you please for once answer in a simple line? Once at least for we lesser mortals to understand? Or are you genuinely trying to be the English version of Baba Ramdev? Or you want to show you are extremely intelligent, so much so that Swami Vivekananda would hang his head in shame? And what the hell about that nasty facial expression while you were delivering your rubbish, as if a pregnant woman carrying twins going through some severe labor pain?

Now look at Jerry in comparison. Simple, crisp, no Manish Tiwarification of the job at hand and complete no-nonsense. Want to have the vengeance against Tom? There you go – bring a fully loaded gas cylinder from the kitchen and smash it on Tom with full force. Even though if a mouse can carry a fully loaded cylinder is debatable, it shows the attitude of Jerry and which precisely is the reason to love him. That is simple-and-straight. Give the same job to Manish Tiwari. He will start with accusing NDA for coming up with heavier 16Kg cylinders against the standard 14Kg during their time and blame it as a nefarious and maligned intention of the then government against all those who love to hurl fully loaded gas cylinders at each other for fun.

Small is beautiful – Barring certain things rest all look cute when they are small. Even an average Sardar kid looks cute as a toddler. Many inspired idiots who put the crappy punch-line like ‘Size Does Matter’ as their Facebook page introduction might disagree violently with me as if I am saying Aishwrya Rai looked more adorable after getting pregnant but what’s the take? Be original you crapheads and come up with your own vomiting as everything is not the goddamn Godzilla movie promo. Sorry Sogo Tomiyama.

Look at the size of Jerry. Small, cute and extremely agile. It is refreshing to see pocket dynamites in action than a huge Anaconda wrapping around the body of Jenifer Lopez for no apparent reason. Leave something for the humans to accomplish you creepy creature. If not anyone then for Mark Anthony at least? Small size does bring about a renovated mobility for Jerry so much so that an equally agile Tom always finds himself at the receiving end. Have you seen the aerodynamic stature of Jerry while running? I bet a certain Ben Johnson minus the steroids would be envious of such skills.

He is silent – Who doesn’t love peace and silence? For people like me who have heard Arnav Goswami, Navjot Sing Sidhu, Srikanth, Ravi Shastri, Mamta Banarjee, Karunanidhi, Inzamam-Ul-Haq, Suhel Seth, Mahesh Bhatt talk in great lengths and that too day-in and day-out, silence in literal sense golden for them. Heck even diamond. The oration becomes more painful when it is not accompanied by the expected actions. Take Sidhu for example. “The ball went up so high that it could have brought down an airhostess along with it”. Goodness me!! Is it kind of a quote vomiting platform? I am sorry but I don’t give a Nithyananda on your orating skills as it sucks while the fact is it was a skier of Sachin and we are already four down in a bloody important match. Could you please STFU for once in your life? Have you heard of someone called Fran Lebowitz? Ever? He said – ‘Opposite of talking is not listening. The opposite of talking is waiting’. And what the hell I am waiting for? You to stop or myself to commit suicide?

In the era of noise pollution where the amount of noise has long surpassed the amount of hair on Jayram Ramesh’s skull Jerry is one who must be loved by one-and-all who are at least once bitten badly by Sidhuism smug. It is the cracking of glass plates, banging of fry pans on Tom’s face or Tom crashing onto some glass cupboard that add up to the cacophony level of any Tom & Jerry show but Jerry pretty much remains silent always. Have you ever seen Jerry talking? Might be occasionally whispering on his nephew’s ear but never doing a Sidhu or Mamta Banarjee. And as it is, every married male knows what the value of silence is and hence Jerry bound to be in the love list of every married male. So I am no different here.

Doesn’t Show off – The biggest catch for me when it comes to Jerry is his demeanor. Someone who knows what he is and what he is capable of. One who knows his limitations and strengths and of course little or no Showbazi. One intensified look at an average Facebook profile will tell you why I adore this character of Jerry so much.

Have you seen people portraying their lousy existence via some silly half drenched photographs taken somewhere in Bhimasankar or Khandala or even worst at Sihangarh fort and uploaded in Facebook with ‘Wow!! The Sub-African Rain Forest were so awesome’ below it? Dude could you for once stop gloating even if you had in realty gone there? Going to an African rain forest and getting your posteriors scratched by red ass Langoors is as big an achievement as India winning Asiad Kabadi Gold three times in a row. And since when sub-African chaps started driving a Bajaj auto which I can see in your photograph at a distance after careful observation? So dude, why don’t you just admit that you were in Bhimasankar but never expected it to be so beautiful? If that is not enough a show off now I can see in my timeline another genius having an automobile review done – ‘Goodness. When it comes to driving pleasure Skoda is Makhan in comparison to Ford Fiesta’. Dude what I am supposed to do then? Write to Skoda motors to employ your filthy ass as their quality assurance head? Or are you telling us that you possess both the sedans which I am totally unwilling to agree as your very face pisses me off and looking at your crappy education level I suggest you to have some descent education so that you can elevate yourself from the permanent position of a call center executive and can afford something beyond a TVS Scooty.

That’s where Jerry stands out. He knows very well he is a mouse and pretty much sticks to it. No show off, no extravaganza or over display of things which are not possible as to not being caught with his pants down. Are you listening Fredrick? CID officer? my ass. You don’t even qualify to be a clown in Jammu circus.

Being Cynical�

Calling a spade, a spade