Open Letter To Bilawal Bhutto

Dear Zanab Bilawal Bhutto Saheb,

You would be mighty pleased to know that you are the first foreign national whom I am writing an open letter. But then, you are a genius; aren’t you? From nowhere you seem to have become a hero overnight. That was some achievement, I must say. I never knew PAPPUgiri also pays so handsomely. Anyway, lets come back to the Mudda. First of all I must thank you for your jibes. Because, that forced a lot among us, including our media to shift its focus on something more interesting than the Deepika Padukone cleavage nonsense that was going on here for some time. Just when the drama between DP and TOI was getting irritating and was going nowhere, you thought of installing that much needed hilarity into our TV rooms back. That is so generous of you. You see, people here in India always appreciate a good doze of humor on any day and you can bank on us to laugh out loud for every comedy of yours’ till you reach your Rahul Gandhi stature. By the way, I am not quite sure but I guess you were idolizing Rahul Gandhi as your secret mentor all this while. Aren’t you?

But before we go to your nonsense about Kashmir, I have got one quick question to ask. Why are you tucking that Bhutto behind your name? Shouldn’t it be one Bilawal Zardari instead? Or are you too ashamed to associate yourself with a certified 10%, even if he unfortunately is your biological father? I mean, I know, how surnames can pay rich dividends in political spectrums. We here at India are seeing this for 65 years. We know how even a borrowed surname can create havoc on an entire nation and that too for such a long period. So as a budding politician if you find Bhutto is more advantageous to roam around fool then I don’t have any complains. Having said that, I still give that to you because you at least were using your mother’s surname which should be fine since it is not out rightly borrowed as in case of your idol here in India. Hope we are not straying away from the topic since I was just trying to understand the technicalities, nothing personal. Or may be ‘Bhutto’ is a good ploy to fool the people of Pakistan as ‘Gandhi’ is here in India. After all you guys are practicing prosti.. err politicians, so that should be fine.

Now coming back to your mindless blabbering about Kashmir. You said you will take back the entire Kashmir from India. Seriously? Were you just playing to the gallery or were you really serious? If you were playing to the gallery then we can just term that as an outburst of a mentally retard person suffering from acute constipation and leave it at that. But if you were serious then we must move ahead with this letter because a lot many things need to be inserted into your otherwise vacuum brain. First of all I am presuming you were serious which I don’t want to believe since I know your IQ level is not much beyond that of Rahul Gandhi. Nevertheless, let’s move on.

Now, can you please let me know your grand plan to capture back Kashmir? I mean, an astute leader like you must have his plans of accomplishment in hand before he barks in open. Or you thought Kashmir to be another Sania Mirza that one of your third grade Cricketers will come and take back from here? If no then just how would you do it? Are you struggling to stitch a plan? How about me helping you with some ideas? Here is the first one – how about having some aggression in the form of a war and snatch Kashmir from India? I can see a smile or two on your face. But before you start day dreaming like our own Pappu, here are some facts – In last 60 years we have whooped your posteriors red like those of wild monkeys in at least four occasions. And knowing what happened in Bangladesh war, you must be aware that it is we who actually snatched Bangladesh from you and allowed it to be a sovereign nation. So basically, we snatching the remaining Kashmir from you on event of a war look more promising than the other way round. Won’t you agree? Or are you taking the dumb asses those come on Arnav Goswami’s show and blabber as if Pakistan is a superpower seriously? Believe me, those jerks will be the first one to run away from the scene if we go into a war. By the way, why am I terming it as war? You call it a war when it is fought between equals not when with a bunch of beggars like you. I at best can term your grandstanding as an irritant or nuisance. We never considered you bunch of louts as worthy opponents even. So there is no question of going to a war with worthless morons like you. It would be all about spanking your asses all over again if eventualities arise.

Now what other options left with you to take back Kashmir since a war with us is no option at all. How dumb you may be, you at least will realize that in case of a war you morons don’t stand a chance beyond first 3 days or may be even less. 

Then what options you are left with? Did I see you grinning thinking about leeches like Shayed Ali Shah Gilani and his ilk of faggots from Huriyat and elsewhere? Do you really believe your 1000 cuts policy will yield anything, let alone Kashmir? Believe me Bilawal Bhai, it is a matter of time that we will whip these traitors black and blue. And that time is near about now. I assure you, along with Gilani, most of the traitors in Kashmir would be dealt so severely that they will forget where they are and who they are; much less helping your rotten country with anything. You must be aware that India now has a government which doesn’t believe in appeasement. So the days for your barking dogs here in Kashmir is over. Either they would be packed back to Pakistan or would be slaughtered mercilessly, which they deserve, soon. And trust me when I say this, this treatment is reserved for each one of those Pakistan sponsored traitors, not only in Kashmir but everywhere else.  

Humor apart, do you know a simple gesture of courtesy from our government in response to your nonsense would leave half of Pakistan jobless? You may ask how but then you must also be aware the numbers of Pakistanis that are polluting our Bollywood here. A throw out order would leave all those third grade singers and equal number of your women who dance on our TV screens half naked, jobless. How will you answer all of them Bilawal Bhai? Who will stop them from starving? Or will you ask them to do item numbers and Muzra in your courtyard to support their livelihood?

All said and done, still you seem to have achieved something by tickling your funnybone. I am sure there at least would be two TV journalists from India, starting with Barkha Dutt, who would rush to Pakistan for an interview of yours’. These are again another bunch of traitors who are long behaving as professional Pakistani sympathizers and in turn giving morons like you the gull to say what you said. We are also in the process of fixing these pseudo secular traitors as well. Be confident, soon you will be deprived of this fraandship aspect from our side.

By the way, I am not a movie buff but I don’t know, why your ‘Paura Kashmir Le Ayenge’ comic reminds me a crude Bollywood movie dialog in response – Sarir Main Itna Ched Karenge Ke Confuse Ho Jaaoge Ki Sans Kahanse Le Aur Pade Kahan Se.

Warm Regards

An Ordinary Indian