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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Epitome Of Bizarre: Part I

Colourful characters are plenty in politics. But at the top of the national heap we have some leaders who take eccentricity to a whole new level. They may or may not be part of the so-called 'Axis of Evil' but they definitely seem to be part of the 'Axis of the Bizarre'. Here’s my take on the weird species that are from different states.

Raj Thackeray
State: Maharashtra
Believes In: We should teach our kids that if he is second in class, don’t study harder, just beat up the student coming first and throw him out of the school.

If a nuclear bomb goes off someday, then all would be dead except two creatures. Cockroach (scientific reasons) and Raj Thackeray (to make sure that nobody mess up with Marathi dead bodies). A classic case of God’s human factory malfunctioning big-time. As per him - Maharastra is the universe and vice-a-versa as well. His mandate to even the dogs of Maharastra to master the local language, or else take their filthy ass to neighboring states or wherever. A mere Bhou-Bhou won't do, as they have to bark in Marathi also. He reacts like a leech, powdered with salt, the moment he sees a north Indian. Nobody (including himself) is sure of his goals in life. On the face value it seems - all his issues and goals starts with the Bihari Panipuri walas and UP Taxiwalas in Mumbai streets and pretty much stops there. A person with damages beyond repair but proudly flaunts himself as the face of Maharastra and Marathi Manoos.

Sushri Mayawati
State: Uttar Pradesh
Believes In: Nothing is permanent except statues. This is the only way you would remain there till the time earth crashes into some bloody comet.

Sushri Mayawati once referred to a national highway project as the eighth wonder of the world. While she herself may well be the ninth. She calls herself the queen of the queens of India and the messiah of the Dalits. All she has done (for dalits) in last four years as a chief minister is to erect (don’t be naughty) uncountable numbers of her statues (some say they are around eight hundred). Now dalits can confirm if they had benefited from these sight polluting sculptures. The lady is capable of indicting and starting an enquiry against anyone and anything. Be it any of her political opponent or humming bees at one of her rallies. She can punish anyone on slightest provocation. Few days back I was assured that Baba Saheb Ambedkar is her personal property. She can’t enforce right to education in her state (lack of money) but very well can spend 1000 crores for few more of her statues. Oh yes, sporting currency garlands is just another of her hobbies like carrying the purse, even to the washroom.

Vilasrao Deshmukh
State: Maharastra
Believes In: Everything is fair in love, war and promoting son’s ass

If there was a flood and God told some modern Noah to build an ark, He would probably warn him, "Two of every creature ... but not Vilasrao Deshmukh. Not because he is a Satan but, he would bring along his good for nothing son and a notoriously third graded movie director with him. If that happens it would probably be more dangerous than the flood itself. Three is always a crowd and these three are more than a crowd. They can put the God himself on a fix by the amount of nonsense they would produce in joint venture. Getting booted out and snubbed of is just part of his day’s work. His antiques respect no boundaries, which was evident right after 26/11. Just when everyone thought we are done with the tragedy there he came from the woodwork to take a stroll around Taj Hotel. And guess, who were accompanying him in his morning walk ? His useless produce and a visibly half drunken goat fart director. Better stay away from this trio.

Rahul Gandhi
State: Somewhere in Italy
Believes In: If all that you have as an achievement is a notorious surname then make sure you extract the best out of it.

This one may well be the ‘joker’ in the pack and for some strange reason, the Indians can’t get enough of him. A classic case of an accident at 7-Race Course road. He just can’t go wrong is what all his posterior licking party members believe. Hell with the British media who call us visionless. Look at this man – half educated and not yet even 40 but a prime minister in the waiting. All that he has to say the moment he opens is mouth is – how great he, his family members (dead or alive) and his party are and in contrast how rascal every other one is. Staying in a Dalit house is his favorite pastime. And yes working (putting on a sports shoe and an empty basket) with the Dalit lady in the field is what he enjoys most. Taking a shower at the neighborhood tube well is what makes him unique and fits him in Gandhiji’s lines of thought – simple living, high thinking. After the introduction of slippers into public podiums, he has somewhat mellowed down with his political caricature and trying to be an intellectual (delivering prabachans, starting from kindergarten to big universities). Dictionary definition of intellectual bankruptcy for sure.

Lalu Prasad Yadav
State: Bihar
Believes In: I am an omnivorous and an anaconda in nature. I can gulp down everything – from cattle food to community toilets.

Perhaps the biggest skunk of yet another trio – the deadly Yadav trio. His capabilities wrote new history when he successfully screwed a mineral rich state like Bihar upside-down for a decade. When this filthy mouth was done with his state he ventured into a virgin territory called Indian Railways. He managed to make the Railways profitable (Mamta Didi has different opinion though) by cramping passengers in the three tire side berths and keeping 80% tickets reserved for Tatkal booking. All politicians do fool the masses, but this guy is unique. He fooled the bald heads at Harvard even. Impressed by his managerial skills, he was invited to blabber his experience with students there. A power hungry individual from the day he popped out of the womb and would remain so till he bids adieu.

The list could be endless. But I found these five esteemed individuals to be there at the top. I would furnish out five more in Part-II. So watch out.

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