Monday, April 2, 2012
Open Letter To Shahrukh Khan
I know you want to be called as SRK but take my advice; it not only sounds lousy but seems like a cycle tyre company. So for the mental relief of mine I am restricting myself to address you by the name Shahrukh even though it sounds like the howling of a werewolf.
Anyway, coming back to the point on why of all the people I thought of wasting my time in writing a letter to a complete nonsense like you. Even though a lot of people might consider a mere discussion remotely associated with you is as useful an activity as watching our parliament proceedings on TV; I strictly don’t carry that notion. After all you proclaim yourself as the so called King Khan who has concurred the world without raising the sword and it is only plain luck that Julius Caesar and Napoleon Bonaparte were not born during your time or else they were all be selling Bhel-Puri in front of Bandra Railway station by now. Hence as a small gratitude for being honored enough to share the same planet with a magnanimous persona like you, the best that I can offer is a letter at his Excellency’s disposal.
To begin with Shahrukh – Were you like this from birth or there something terrible like falling of an airplane on your head happened somewhere in your lifecycle which turned you into a complete nuts? Though an honest confession can go a long way in clarifying this doubt; as far as I can remember seeing you in your maiden TV serial called Fauji, you looked absolutely normal and were behaving as normal humans do. Even if you don’t admit I am sure something bizarre has happened in between or is it just the side effects of a long association with a gender less human going by the name Karan Johar? In any whichever way, you are a big irritation for an awful long period of time and of late you are looking like a eunuch in a marriage function.
The constant irritation that you are supplying vehemently for a decade at least has long surpassed the tolerable limits of many. Your regular tantrums towards everyone, dead or alive speaks volume of the nonsensical way you have carried yourself along, showing that non-required one-upmanship all the time. Do you remember the days when yet another of your nonsense called ‘My Name Is Khan’ was about to be released? Certainly that was such a spectacle which would have even ashamed Rakhi Shawant and the Big Boss house inmates. Out of nowhere you found the Pakistanis as a bunch of highly adorable creatures and ordered the nation to allow a whole lot of Pakistanis to come to the city of Mumbai and make merry. That was so insensitive Shahrukh when a hell lot of people were pissed off after the 26/11 nightmare. When the nation was coping with the tragedy post 26/11, you just to sell your garbage movie based on terrorism ideologue in that part of the world popped up this Pakistani issue from nowhere. And what you had to say when Sivsena chaps pounced on you and threatened a non-screening of your movie? “No repent on what I said”. Really? That is like how an average Jaat behaves after killing his daughter in the name of honor. I hope you must have heard what Sohail Tanveer said about Indians after your open arm policy fell flat on its ass.
You also own an IPL team. Don’t you Shahrukh? Now here one striking mismatch that I see between your team and the rest. First : While rest of the owners are serious about their teams and its success or failure, you are only interested to rack up one controversy or the other. Be it proclaiming (just to rub salt on the wounds of 26/11 sufferers) that you got the biggest catch by netting in Shoiab Akhtar or going overboard with the rest team owners in convincing them to not go for Abdur Razzaq, since you badly need a talented player like him. Here also one can clearly see your sincere affinity for Pakistani players. In the first season itself your team has no less than four players from there. While you can argue to have the players of your choice since it is your team but when the whole nation is carrying a different notion (and please don’t utter that Aaman Ki Asha nonsense), you being the so called hero of the celluloid must respect the sentiments of a majority chunk of the populace; the same people who made you a hero out of a lameass actor. But you seldom cared for anyone's sentiments. Have you? No wonder many are considering you a certified traitor.
Have you analyzed your latest flick named Ra. One? Once? Ever? How can you make such a movie and then go ahead proclaiming it to be one of the best that Bollywood has seen for a long long time? This is like Congress stooges saying, people of UP rejected Rahul Gandhi because they wanted him to see as the prime-Minister of the nation. I am told the medicine stores made a fortune by installing temporary stalls outside every theater since a third of the viewing lot came out vomiting before the interval and rest were almost senseless with many of them being driven out in stretchers? That is too ridiculous a stuff to expect from the bloody King Khan. When you were spanked very badly by almost everyone after you misfired in ‘My Name Is Khan’, I was sure you won’t attempt at making a Kresto Mukherjee of yourself again, but no; you instead did a Kapil Sibal through Ra. One. Like Kapil, not being satisfied with one Zero Loss theorem and the public humiliation, keeps on repeating his orchestra of absurdity every hour; you keep on making a lousy ass of yourself every second day. Kapil must be so happy to know that God hasn’t given this brain in the ass quality to him only, but instead he has one honorable company.
You even don’t spare your so called close buddies in your attempt at showing that one-upmanship? Do you? Look at what you have done to your best of the buddies named Farha Khan. I mean, how in earth you can slap her husband openly in front of everyone. I know, the very look of Sirish Kundar will force anyone to slap him but for God’s sake he is the wife..err husband of your best friend. How could you do this with such profanity and yet the poor chap is besieged to realize why he got that one on his flappy cheeks. Only thing that is left for him to do now is to participate in a realty show with Sreesanth so that both the slapee can sob profusely in a corner to relieve themselves.
By the way Shahrukh, one last advise – Don’t mingle too much with that Karan Johar. Else the Muslim clerics soon will issue a fatwa on you for being engaged in blasphemy.
-Someone who doesn’t watch Lameass actors!