Letter Of A Presidential Aspirant

Dear All Parliamentarians,

Here I present myself as a Presidential aspirant and hope to become the President of this nation someday. Since to fulfill my aspiration I would require you guys to vote for me at some stage in next one month or so, I am here to put my case in front of you guys for your consideration. Let me elaborate few things first before you guys can start with all your questioning as that is what is your favorite pastime. Be it inside the well of the house where you keep on shouting, tearing apart each other’s hair or Kurta, hurling slippers and mikes or questioning the intent of all the good people once they start questioning your behavior and loot; it is all about questioning that engulfs half of your life span. Hence my proactive elaboration.

First thing that I can see popping up in your dirty minds is – “Why I Think I Can Be The President”? And I have two solid answers to that.

First – I fulfill all the prerequisites to be the President of this nation. I am 35 years old, a citizen by birth of this country and medically certified as mentally fit to take up the job. You may argue, I am educated which a major chunk of you are not but what the take? Nowhere it is mentioned, you need to be a dumbass Angutha-Chap to lead a political life in India. Though I like to have an education criterion for all our political positions since one requires to be a 10^th pass to even become a peon but strangely enough, outright jackasses like Lalu Yadav can still become the Prime-Minister of this nation without even knowing how a school looks like. I am sure had there been even a minimum 8^th grade pass requirement, half of you guys could well be singing ‘Pardesi, Pardesi, Jaana Nehin’ and begging on trains but that certainly is a dream which never going to get fulfilled and as is it is we Indians are traditionally unlucky from birth.  

Anyway, that is a topic which needs a serious discussion of a dozen panelists presided by Arnav Goswami and I certainly can’t get extraneous in an important letter like this one. So without wasting further time, here is the second reason.

Second – Do I have to elaborate the second reason since a certain Pratibhal Patil could become the President for reasons even God is fiercely scratching his head to corroborate? I mean, do you guys still think you have the rights to ask this ‘WHY’ to anyone once you guys elected Mrs. Patil to the office of the President. Don’t you think anyone you chose from herein to honor the post next would be way better than the incumbent? I mean, seriously; absolutely anyone? Even Kresto Mukharjee (not Pranab) or for that matter even Jaadu of ‘Koi Milgaya’ or Dany Morrison. Hence to set the record straight – If Pratibha Patil can become the President then I certainly can, even when I am good 7 pegs down and giving a breath analyzer test to our ever vigilant traffic cops.

Now you guys can ask – ‘What is that you will gain by electing me’? Fair enough; I don’t have any qualms if you look at your personal gain even when you are suffering from constipation. I mean, pretty much everyone in this planet is self-centered and certainly I can expect cats to turn selfless someday but not the species to which you guys belong. Let me assure you, a delicacy in the form of an answer awaits you here.

But before that, I want to ask all of you a question as I believe a relative comparison helps zero in on the conclusion quicker. What you guys have gained by voting for Pratibha Patil or many other stalwarts like Giani Jayel Singh earlier? An ounce? Anything? Did even Pratibha Patil cared to look at you while boarding the flight for yet another of her public money raping foreign tour extravagance? Did she ever urge you to accompany her along with all her family members of last five generations on an all paid trip? She preferred to take bottlers and cooks along but not you guys. Forget about the material gains; did you guys gained anything politically even? I mean did people of your constituency go Gaga over your decision of voting her? Did you managed to gain the sympathy of a community which are already half of our population but yet are called minority? Did the Dalits stopped voting for Mayawati and opened their doors for you to stay in their huts overnight or take a bath from their ‘Rajiv Gandhi Gramin Bikash Yojna’ sponsored tube well?

So here is a proposition from me which not only assures some material gain for you greedy fellas but also a handful on the political front as well. First and foremost – A foreign trip for you and your entire family (extended), including your pets and buffalos, if you have them. And that too every year for the period I stay. So that is a good five time opportunity to screw the nation further  if you feel you are not damaging enough by just being in politics. I also assure you of full cooperation every time Anna Hazare fasts against the black money you guys have stashed even inside your Dhotis. Being the President of the nation, I will officially declare people like Anna or that moustache man Arvind Kejriwal as traitors and corrupt themselves so that you guys are saved from your asses getting whipped ferociously by CBI or any of that nonsense. You can also take my word on cooperating you on your all kind of Mafiosi. I assure you of mercy even if you go ahead and do a Jalianwala Bagh again. But for this you have to keep an eye on my remaining tenure as our courts take a hell lot of time to deliver justice. I don’t want to be blamed at all because you end up below the noose as by the time your verdict is out I am already retired and enjoying my life in a multi crore government sponsored palatal home that I built up on the land that I grabbed.

There are enough political gains for you to have as well. For records I am a Dalit with at least one of my parents a Muslim and someone who hates BJP, their six year rule (which is the main culprit of all the problems of our nation like Kashmir, Quota, China border, fake Gandhis and Adnan Sami) and Ravishankar Prasad. So by choosing me you in turn would end up pleasing a hell lot of people. From Dalits to Muslims all would be ready to eat from your hands the moment you cast your vote and come out of the parliament sporting that trademark jackal smile of yours’. You may ask, what about the Hindus? But then, do you really feel the dumb Hindus need to be appeased for political mileage? Do they have the unity in their brotherhood for their community? Don’t you guys are aware that a half of the world’s secular population are from the Hindu Community alone? Then again, the half of the remaining half is full with pseudo seculars like Rajdeep Sardesai or Sagarika Ghosh or even that political Dalal Barkha Dutt. That leaves very few like Narendra Modi and a bunch from RSS or VHP who could vote against you. Does that look scary since they haven’t yet threatened your vote chunk after enormous attempts?

To further strengthen your vote chunk and highlight your pseudo secular avatar, I am readily agreeing to shower our beloved sons like Afzal Guru and Kasav with my mercy and commute their sentence to minimal jail term. That will allow you to induct them in your parties later and issue tickets for elections which will further authenticate your secular credentials.

I am sure by now you guys would be as excited as Shakti Kapoor when he sees women and must be drooling at all these mouthwatering prospects. Hope to see these drools turning as votes for me and I promise to abide by the statements I made through this letter. Don’t go by your own standards since unlike you politicians I keep my promises. Whatever I may be but I am not a liar, crook or thug or even a swine. So consider this a waterproof deal.

Sincere Regards

An aspirant.