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Friday, June 15, 2012

Letter Of A Presidential Aspirant

Dear All Parliamentarians,

Here I present myself as a Presidential aspirant and hope to become the President of this nation someday. Since to fulfill my aspiration I would require you guys to vote for me at some stage in next one month or so, I am here to put my case in front of you guys for your consideration. Let me elaborate few things first before you guys can start with all your questioning as that is what is your favorite pastime. Be it inside the well of the house where you keep on shouting, tearing apart each other’s hair or Kurta, hurling slippers and mikes or questioning the intent of all the good people once they start questioning your behavior and loot; it is all about questioning that engulfs half of your life span. Hence my proactive elaboration.
First thing that I can see popping up in your dirty minds is – “Why I Think I Can Be The President”? And I have two solid answers to that.
First – I fulfill all the prerequisites to be the President of this nation. I am 35 years old, a citizen by birth of this country and medically certified as mentally fit to take up the job. You may argue, I am educated which a major chunk of you are not but what the take? Nowhere it is mentioned, you need to be a dumbass Angutha-Chap to lead a political life in India. Though I like to have an education criterion for all our political positions since one requires to be a 10th pass to even become a peon but strangely enough, outright jackasses like Lalu Yadav can still become the Prime-Minister of this nation without even knowing how a school looks like. I am sure had there been even a minimum 8th grade pass requirement, half of you guys could well be singing ‘Pardesi, Pardesi, Jaana Nehin’ and begging on trains but that certainly is a dream which never going to get fulfilled and as is it is we Indians are traditionally unlucky from birth.  
Anyway, that is a topic which needs a serious discussion of a dozen panelists presided by Arnav Goswami and I certainly can’t get extraneous in an important letter like this one. So without wasting further time, here is the second reason.
Second – Do I have to elaborate the second reason since a certain Pratibhal Patil could become the President for reasons even God is fiercely scratching his head to corroborate? I mean, do you guys still think you have the rights to ask this ‘WHY’ to anyone once you guys elected Mrs. Patil to the office of the President. Don’t you think anyone you chose from herein to honor the post next would be way better than the incumbent? I mean, seriously; absolutely anyone? Even Kresto Mukharjee (not Pranab) or for that matter even Jaadu of ‘Koi Milgaya’ or Dany Morrison. Hence to set the record straight – If Pratibha Patil can become the President then I certainly can, even when I am good 7 pegs down and giving a breath analyzer test to our ever vigilant traffic cops.
Now you guys can ask – ‘What is that you will gain by electing me’? Fair enough; I don’t have any qualms if you look at your personal gain even when you are suffering from constipation. I mean, pretty much everyone in this planet is self-centered and certainly I can expect cats to turn selfless someday but not the species to which you guys belong. Let me assure you, a delicacy in the form of an answer awaits you here.
But before that, I want to ask all of you a question as I believe a relative comparison helps zero in on the conclusion quicker. What you guys have gained by voting for Pratibha Patil or many other stalwarts like Giani Jayel Singh earlier? An ounce? Anything? Did even Pratibha Patil cared to look at you while boarding the flight for yet another of her public money raping foreign tour extravagance? Did she ever urge you to accompany her along with all her family members of last five generations on an all paid trip? She preferred to take bottlers and cooks along but not you guys. Forget about the material gains; did you guys gained anything politically even? I mean did people of your constituency go Gaga over your decision of voting her? Did you managed to gain the sympathy of a community which are already half of our population but yet are called minority? Did the Dalits stopped voting for Mayawati and opened their doors for you to stay in their huts overnight or take a bath from their ‘Rajiv Gandhi Gramin Bikash Yojna’ sponsored tube well?
So here is a proposition from me which not only assures some material gain for you greedy fellas but also a handful on the political front as well. First and foremost – A foreign trip for you and your entire family (extended), including your pets and buffalos, if you have them. And that too every year for the period I stay. So that is a good five time opportunity to screw the nation further  if you feel you are not damaging enough by just being in politics. I also assure you of full cooperation every time Anna Hazare fasts against the black money you guys have stashed even inside your Dhotis. Being the President of the nation, I will officially declare people like Anna or that moustache man Arvind Kejriwal as traitors and corrupt themselves so that you guys are saved from your asses getting whipped ferociously by CBI or any of that nonsense. You can also take my word on cooperating you on your all kind of Mafiosi. I assure you of mercy even if you go ahead and do a Jalianwala Bagh again. But for this you have to keep an eye on my remaining tenure as our courts take a hell lot of time to deliver justice. I don’t want to be blamed at all because you end up below the noose as by the time your verdict is out I am already retired and enjoying my life in a multi crore government sponsored palatal home that I built up on the land that I grabbed.
There are enough political gains for you to have as well. For records I am a Dalit with at least one of my parents a Muslim and someone who hates BJP, their six year rule (which is the main culprit of all the problems of our nation like Kashmir, Quota, China border, fake Gandhis and Adnan Sami) and Ravishankar Prasad. So by choosing me you in turn would end up pleasing a hell lot of people. From Dalits to Muslims all would be ready to eat from your hands the moment you cast your vote and come out of the parliament sporting that trademark jackal smile of yours’. You may ask, what about the Hindus? But then, do you really feel the dumb Hindus need to be appeased for political mileage? Do they have the unity in their brotherhood for their community? Don’t you guys are aware that a half of the world’s secular population are from the Hindu Community alone? Then again, the half of the remaining half is full with pseudo seculars like Rajdeep Sardesai or Sagarika Ghosh or even that political Dalal Barkha Dutt. That leaves very few like Narendra Modi and a bunch from RSS or VHP who could vote against you. Does that look scary since they haven’t yet threatened your vote chunk after enormous attempts?
To further strengthen your vote chunk and highlight your pseudo secular avatar, I am readily agreeing to shower our beloved sons like Afzal Guru and Kasav with my mercy and commute their sentence to minimal jail term. That will allow you to induct them in your parties later and issue tickets for elections which will further authenticate your secular credentials.
I am sure by now you guys would be as excited as Shakti Kapoor when he sees women and must be drooling at all these mouthwatering prospects. Hope to see these drools turning as votes for me and I promise to abide by the statements I made through this letter. Don’t go by your own standards since unlike you politicians I keep my promises. Whatever I may be but I am not a liar, crook or thug or even a swine. So consider this a waterproof deal.
Sincere Regards
An aspirant.

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9 comments :

  1. In the present scenario moot point is whether the Presidential aspirant is a stooge or boot-licker of Madam & her great family?If the answer is NO-then its not possible because if someone doesn't support Madam's candidate-then you will be hounded by CBI and if NDA supports you then you are a "communal" candidate in the first place-so that automatically nullifies your stature to become President-PK

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  2. Well written blog but has "MADAM" and her sycophants have approved of your blog before displaying it here?If No then my Dear Aspirant chances of you becoming a President are quite slim!-PK

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  3. Great as usual.

    Only hope our dumbass political class gets time to read this piece.

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  4. Well Written! What can you do with nation of followers? I heard we won't be having President or Prime Minister in future? Guess why? How can you? When you're country is sold!!!

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  5. Well written blog..!!!, but the disappointing matter is, to what state our first citizen post has become ?, now the person has to be a faithful a particular political party, we no wonder, why our presidents are called Rubber Stamps. The whole country has to just sit and crib. We will just hope this time the position won't be occupied by some real rubber stamps like pratibha patil.

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  6. The emotion and rage is understandable and appreciated. The presidential post is definitely a big joke in India. However the grammar and knowledge base of this letter are pathetic. When was the last time you saw "how a school looks like"?
    FYI - Lalu is a qualified lawyer.

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  7. First and foremost thing is to practice saying "Yes Madam" for few years. Even if someone woke you up from the sleep you would have to say this.

    And yes your ideology should be

    1. Anyone who opposes UPA & madam are communal.
    2. Congress is the savior of minorities.
    3. Anyone who talks about anti-corruption are Corrupts.
    4. Rahul gandhi to be future PM.
    5. Ruling India is prerogative of Gandhi & Nehru's family

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  8. Pranab will always remain the President of Ms.Sonia & her UPA & never that of India-Period!-PK

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  9. Hey Being Cynical,

    I just read news about Pratibha Patil the merciful. She has commuted the death sentence of 35 people to life imprisonment.

    WHAT A F@@@K@@@ DECISION, she pardon those who raped and killed minor girls around 3 to 5 years old girls.

    But she did not show any mercy on the killer of Rajiv Gandhi... I don't have words. Killing innocent is OK but killing RG is not forgivable....

    Write something, you always have perfect words.

    ReplyDelete

 
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