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Friday, July 30, 2010

Hygiene Is Not A Male Thing

If you are a normal male then you will do what a normal male does - take a shower every Sunday, whether you need it or not. If you are not a normal male then you might be inhabiting the bathroom on daily basis and talking nonsense about investments and stock markets. Most normal males probably will earn much more by opening international depot of ear wax or selling once used (not in a condition to be used again) inner wears than in some idiotic stock investment.

Whatever might be the shortcomings on various fronts, normal males are fastidious about hygiene, whenever they are sober enough to spell it. This obsession towards hygiene is very much evident from my friend Janardan's (not his real name) desk, under which an entire collection of the findings of his nasal excavation hangs. This findings are dug out by this idiot (his real name), examined minutely and flicked away if not up to qualifying mark. Rest are archived. Janardan is still single - ladies.

Ok, I am going away from the topic. Last moron I want to be a part of my blog is Janardan. So coming back to the hygiene thing. Any normal male must have (at least for once) used something called soap. After the first application of which he is convinced that he looks like Tom Cruise or Leonardo De'caprio or better both rolled into one. For years if not generations this soap is used by him till the point it barely resembles the postage stamp of Somalia (if Somalia happens to have one). A normal male believes the wrapper of a soap is actually the soap case which should last around it till the soap becomes a postage stamp or been thrown into the dust bean by the maid thinking it as an excreta of one of those Geckos (Chipkali for the benefit of state board chaps). If the soap survives it's full life cycle - till it becomes a postage stamp then the wrapper is destined to be rolled into a ball and thrown out of the bathroom window.

All those hand wash, body gels and other sundry items displayed in shops are only there to confuse the mind of a normal male which is 85% preoccupied by sex and rest 15% even more sex. Deodorants are things which are dearest to a normal male. It is more dearer to them than foreign aid and terrorists are to Pakistan. Any surgeon can safely ask his anesthetic specialist to go for a walk and take couple of inner wears or socks of a normal male to get his patients to deep unconsciousness. Normal male's washroom gives a more patchy look than Abay Kuruvila's bowling average. The enemity between a normal male and sweet fragrance can give envious shocks to Sarav Ganguli and Greg Chappel.

Other than this fictitious war against hygiene a normal male does so many other wonderful things. A normal male pays rich tributes to the tight ass who has invented beer as there is no need of any second opinion from any moron to suggest that beers are the second best thing happening to human race after the invention of pornography. The perpetual expectation that the next vacant seat is going to be occupied by a nymphomaniac super model with that ultra mini skirt, whenever travelling. Doesn't matter if the travel is via flight, train or the road transport bus in places where even Maoists won't fancy to go. A normal male believes tooth brush and saving creams are objects belonging to museums, not common populace.

I want to ask all those salesman turned hygiene preachers. Why you guys are doing this? Why you guys are making our lives a misery? When you failed badly in convincing us, you resorted to our respective wives to enforce your dirty thinking. You guys have done this to us before in case of Pasta and got away pretty lightly, but not this time. When half of the idiots struggling to figure out the difference between spaghetti and spireli (listen you guys, this is that flat bread like stuff with cheese on top), we don't need another nuance to confuse us more. Please spare a whole generation from your nonsense and let all male be normal males. Ohh..I wrote too much in one go. Bye, got to fetch my next beer can.

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