Hindi Films: License To Kill

Apart from James Bond and Rajnikanth, if something else has a license to kill, it has to be our Hindi movies. My apologies to the great man as I shouldn't have brought Rajnikanth into any comparison. He belongs to a different league and class apart. He has got more than just a license to kill. In fact in an average living room there are 1242 objects that Rajnikanth can use to kill you, including the room itself. I am told he is the only person, if typed incorrectly in Google, it doesn't say 'Do you mean Rajnikanth'. It simply replies 'Run for your life while you still have the chance'. I haven't tested it myself though for obvious reasons.

So coming back to the topic. Our Hindi movies were always a pain from the day of their inception. As expected, our current set of directors are refreshingly consistent - always insane. They all have the anything you can do, I can do better attitude and end up churning out another liver shriveling toxic waste. In past three decades Hindi movies have improved only in one respect - intolerability, and still going strong. Many even say, Hindi movies are more torturous than nagging wives.

Nothing influences us more than films. After emerging from theaters, I have seen people behaving like Akshya or Shalman. Eyes bloodshot, flexing their muscles and ready to hit anyone who dare cross their path. One such daredevil is my friend Narottam. All of five feet and no inches. He once tried to show his martial art prowess to a policeman outside the ticket counter. Only the policeman's baton turned out be stronger and send my friend packing to a hospital with a broken wrist. But ask him anything on that topic, he puts up a famous Jim Carrey act. A frown, followed by a smile and a third, I don't know how one should describe that facial expression.

The fate of today's films are decided by their songs. There is ample scope for the music directors to show their dexterity in the art of plagiarism ... err ... getting 'inspired'. The lyrics are utterly filthy, replete with double entendres (how many times have you come across this line?),I still haven't been able to figure out what comes first, the words or the tune. Maybe writing lyrics is like searching for a corpse to fit into an already dug grave, sometimes the head pops out, sometimes the feet. Nowadays, the songs are honorable but surely short-lived.

Films have seen a sea change in the dance sequences. Earlier dance meant, holding the pallu of the sari and singing in a heavy nasal tone, "Mein ban ki chidiya" and now the dance routines are tight, energetic and vigorous. So spellbinding that people in the audience have their jaws and tongues drop to the floor and not necessarily in that order. Two's company and three's a crowd and the filmy couple prefer the latter. Infact, it is more than three! What else can explain the presence of a million dancers cavorting behind the star pair? The rapidity of their pelvic thrusts makes one wonder whether they suffer from Parkinson's disease.

Many characters in our movies are prety much standardize. You err from the standards and the character just doesn't fit into the role assigned to it. Take for example our filmy mother. The ideal filmy mother is never below 55. An added qualification is widowhood and a complete ban on black hair. The sewing machine is her perennial sustenance and of great significance, placed only next to that little idol of lord Krishna where the hapless lady pours out her soul. Mataji is forever eager to feed Beta with Gajar Ka Halwa accompanied by the dialogue - "Maine apne haton se tumhare liye Gajar ka halwa banaya hai". As if it could have been made any other way. So that is the ideal mother for you. Incase you have a mother who prefers to die her tresses, jog every morning and feeds you with readymade Haldiram's Gulab Jamun, you know what she is missing out on.

The strike rate of Cupid is the fastest in Bollywood (he must be out of arrows by now). Everybody is into pehla pehla pyar, whether they are 20 or 45. The heroine is head-over-heels in love with the hero after our hero saves the damsel in distress with some mandatory dishoom! dishoom. Just try that in real life and the penalty ten days of complete rest and the reward : a visual treat(your distorted face). The other day I asked some grown up kids - what do you learn from our Hindi movies? Uncle, when you are engaged in some romance, make sure there are ample number of trees around. Not to do any nonsense, but just to run around them silly. And yes, learned how to light fire when all you have around you is a wet log of woods with no matchbox in site and an overactive libido. Came out the reply.

I know that by now you must be tired and fidgety after going through this article but think of your condition, if you see the above mentioned things on screen. I have been cynical enough to last a lifetime but these utterly boring offal, we call hindi films are likely to make them great! open your eyes, take a deep breath and- ask: Main kahan hoon ? You are sure to get exciting answers for the rest of your life. Hindi movies are as painful as a two-hour-45 minutes long yawn. Try the yawn first if you don't believe me.