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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

All The Filthy Stages (apologies to Chetan Bhagat)

Team Being Cynical

I don't get inspired by many, if they don't happen to be Prem Chopra or Shakti Kapoor. The latest inspiring human entrant in the list is Chetan Bhagat. Chetan is one heck of a writer. He can write a whole book out of his two stages of life or five things one shouldn't do when farting, all the while sitting next to a girl in a close classroom. Inspired by the best in the business here is my piece based on some of the filthy stages of my life. Here I Go…

While waiting at the end of the queue in a super market check-out counter, things were not getting any better. The fat guy all of 5 feet and no inches, with Viku Mahatre attire in the front was promptly getting into my nerves by his loud phone conversation with one of his close friends who was stuck inside a public toilet at the bus depot. All this thanks to that aunty at the front of the queue who probably had bought enough food items to feed Adnan Sami and few more countries for a year at least. Just when I was about to hit the fat man's Tabla top head with the Harpik bottle that I had bought…

Hey DJ. Do you remember me?

I turned back to see Batukishoreambikaprasad, who was popularly called B to save bandwidth in Emails, was standing nearby holding at least a dozen buy-one, get-one free underwear and smiling. Is it the same B from our college days? Is it the same B to whom the Ravana character was always given to save some makeup charges? Is it the same B who's baths used to be by public demand; i.e when the public submitted a petition, signed by all the residents of the nearby postal codes, with the demand that B and water should be brought in close contact, by calling in the Army if necessary? Is it the same B under whose desk an entire collection of his Nasal excavation used to hang?

Hell yes – he is the same bastard, which I can conclude beyond doubt from those yellowish-red or hang on reddish-yellow set of teeth.

After the exchange of those quite unnecessary pleasantries, B threw me a shock which on any given day I would exchange even against a Tushar Kapoor starrer, Ramgopal Varma directed movie.

Meet my wife Anita. Hope you remember Anita Sharma, our junior? She smiled at me and I tried my best to give that 'nice to meet you' expression. This can't be true. I am ready to believe, Jesus Christ died of overdrinking but not Anita Sharma getting married to B. The same girl who always claimed Aishwrya Rai and Sushmita Sen are plain lucky to win the crowns as she herself was stuck in the middle of the semester exams. Anita Sharma was so rigid about her beauty that she didn't feel like talking to an average Janardan in functions or parties. The biggest causality of this girl's ego was one Narottam. Poor chap who always wanted to be like Arnold Schwarzenegger, with a simpler name, got the humiliation of his life for believing a false theory…

Theory: Anita Sharma has the hots for Narottam.
Experiment: Narottam to ask her out by wolf whistling her down college corridors singing Hindi songs with the subtle elegance of a 1980s Jeetendra movie.
Result: Rakhee on the wrist.
Conclusion: Anita Sharma is a lesbian.

Well things have changed. The last I heard about Narottam that he was working for some NGO and elevated himself to the position of Distribution Head of free condoms in red light areas. Good that he has moved on from that Rakhee disaster.

But how in earth Anita agreed to marry this B? If B then what happened to that out of the world size (I mean health wise) chap? Didn't these two used to spend every moment together, except while visiting the loo? So how and when B managed to squeeze in-between the big chap and Anita? Thought of asking but I don't know how I didn't.

Anita brought back memories of another great friend, Babua. Highly confident and self motivating (thanks to that heavy bank account of his father). In true sense, the only person among us who always planned for the future - 2 crates of beer instead of 1. Babua was always sure what he wanted to do. Due to the rampant spread of HIV he realized pornography is not a good career option. Instead he decided to reduce the fat bank account of his father by doing nothing. Last update was – it was already half and his father already had 3 major attacks and Agra mental asylum doctors are on his speed dial. Babua got motivated after Narottam was humiliated by the Rakhee episode. For a change Babua decided to do the wolf whistling act. I am not sure what he did or tried to do but he got a tight slap instead of Rakhee, followed by that un-uttered dialogue – How the hell you are still alive and roaming in the corridor when rest of your siblings and members of your brethren are flushed down the toilet drain today morning?

My thoughts were interrupted by B. Lets go for dinner together to celebrate the reunion. I was half reluctant as it was uncomfortable carrying me in the oversize underwear that I was putting on. How and why I bought oversize underwear at the first place need not have to be mentioned here. Since saying no would be some kind of rudeness and I had the resolution of the year, not to be rude to anyone, not even to the beer shop owner if he doesn't keep the shop open after 1 A.M. We three and a dozen buy-one, get-one free underwear went to the basement eatery for our dinner.

Before I could start flipping the menu, I hear a loud thud; as if half a dozen AK-47s went off at one go along with 3-4 grenades exploding at once. Ohh God. Save me. Hope it is not another 26/11 and let this eatery be not another Café Leopold.

Relax.., said B. "I had Rajma for lunch". Thank God. I had the first hand detail and did strike out Chana Masala from ordering. Thankfully nothing untoward happened after, except for that unwanted distraction of AK-47s going off every now-and-then. Done with our dinner and a happy tummy and worried nose and ear, I bid good bye to the couple with a promise that we would keep on meeting. Let's see what life has in store for me.

"Beginning of the End……"

2 comments:

  1. urs is a very witty style of writting....i particularly liked this one because im a fan of the "make the mundane interesting" way of life....it really breaks the monotony of the regular boring lives we live....(watch mitch hegberg...hez like the king of mundane made interesting) in anycase...i look fwd to reading more stuff like this...just one question...since i dunno u personally...are these puns intended or there are none at all..cuz if it is what i think it is then its some pretty awesome u got here...peace out!

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  2. Thanks for the good words. Well the puns are somewhat intended for a larger audience in general and a certain individual in particular. Just wanted to show how easy it is to write garbage and waste stuff like Chetan Bhagat. Thats it. Intention was never to hurt anyone's sentiments.

    Thanks again for reading my blogs.
    Great Day!!
    -DJ

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