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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Reasons Why We Won't Win The World Cup


Although I love cricket as much any average pervert Indian male dose, I always refrain myself from scribing anything on it – good or bad. Primary reason being my screwed up self believe on the knowledge of mine on this game. But I somehow changed my perception on that and here I am. Blame it on Mandira Bedi, who till recently thought Bat and Ball are nothing but what her husband showed her during their honeymoon. A Bat and a Ball (pair of them). But now seen all over the place with putting almost nothing which we call dress and turning a Cricket Guru that made Harsha Bhogle jump into the bull fight arena with only a pair of Red underwear; to turn a pro Matador as a career change. If a bitch can, then certainly I can is what the theorem I am hell-bent on to believe. And for sure you won’t find a better time to write about cricket when the world cup is just about a couple of days away. I agree – I am no Kapil Dev, Imran Khan or Viv Richards of the world, but as a dedicated viewer of the game (barely manageable for my wife not to call the divorce lawyer) on which I might have spent more time than jacking off and studying combined; I deserve to have my say on who is the favorite to win the cup, if Mandira Bedi would turn up nude in studios, If Harsha Bhogle would finally visit a saloon for a haircut, if condom sells would decrease during this period (Hang –on. It is not west indies after all and even the Day-Night matches would wrap up by 11 in India), if Sharad Pawar would be kicked on his butt this time around than just a mere push, if we are going to see advertisement during cricket or the other way, if the broadcaster would refrain from airing sanitary pad advertisements during the match, if Sharukh Khan would show his miserable filthy face in any or all of the matches that Pakistan plays, if an average Janardan would have his jaws and tongue (not necessarily in that order) drop to the floor seeing the cheer girls, will Himesh Reshamiya go for a fast-onto-death for not given the opportunity to compose the theme song but instead given to Ehsan, Loy and a country called Shankar Mahadevan and most important the reasons why India WON’T make it this time also.

When I can very well comment on the other aspects during the course of the tournament, I feel I must iron out the reasons why I feel India won’t make the cut this time also. Now if I hear you howling at me and ready to bet anything on Dhoni to lift the cup; then I must say – you have got more balls than the Reynolds factory has.

Reason 1 – Inconsistency

I don’t think I have to repeat it. On any random day, Men-in-Blue are capable of even losing to Uganda provided Uganda can come up with 11 men with both their limbs intact. One day we will scare the living daylights out of Ponting, so much so that he makes it a point to call his tax consultant after the match to check the funds available in his provident fund account and the very next day a bunch of school kids would humiliate us to the extent that BCCI would mull of floating a VRS scheme for the cricketers. I am sure this is not what is expected from prospective World champions. What’s the point if we thrash the English one day and the next day Bangladesh forces us to insert the stumps in our back orifice and return back to pavilion with hanged head (Raina, Zaheer) and smiling shamelessly (Munaf, Harbajan) at the same time. Look at few chaps from Sri Lanka, whose names even their mothers would struggle to pronounce and big time tongue twisters – Charaka Kapugedera, Malinda Udwate, Thilan Samaraweera, Kumara Sangakara, Sumantha Wittimunny, Suranga Lakmal, Tisira (not sure where his brother Dusra is) Perrera ET all. These guys don’t care even if they belong to a nation whose geographical outline having striking resemblance with shit a nation which is abandoned by all fairness cream manufacturers for lifetime or alleged to have Ravana as their king at some point in history. What they care is playing good and consistent cricket. This is why they are one of the favorites even though a combined pissing act of the people of Uttar Pradesh could easily bring a Tsunami in their country. So consistency is the key. If lightning strikes in the form bad luck and we flaunt on a knock out match day, we would very well be out of the tournament (before even realizing that we were IN) leaving more than adequate time for our cricketers to go ahead with their Jhandu Balm or Revital advertisement assignments.

Reason 2 – Pathetic Fielding

Now I know what Guru Garry would be missing most. Bhura, the poultry framer of Laagan. As Bhura is farfetched and our cricketers would be too reluctant to go anywhere near a poultry farm to practice their fielding with hens and cocks; we better be satisfied with whatever fielding acumen we have and pray we don’t drop too many crucial catches. For heavens why we have fuckhead liabilities like Munaf Patel and Asish Nehra donning the blue jersey? On any day I would rather bet on a 7 month pregnant woman to do better fielding than these two lazy asses. If the trend continues, it won’t be a surprise if the divorce lawyers of both their wives get an SOS to file for a divorce on physical intimacy ground. Hope these two to be little bit more agile on bed for their better personal life.

Now coming back to cricket. Not to blame only these two – half of our team is as lazy as pigs lazing around in mud. In a stiff chase the best they can offer is bend just a little, so none could see their cleavage and coach would get the impression that they tried their best and then let go the ball without disturbing its path of motion. If that’s not good enough then just put your hands on your hips to let all know your visible dissatisfaction and of course that famous Jim Carry act – A frown, followed by a smile and a third nondescript mutation of face. If not good fielders, these are for sure a bunch of grade-A actors. Now look at South Africa in comparison. Each and every member of the team (including their physio and massager), are good enough to give the rattle snake a run for its money and might just give it the first bite in terms of agility. They not only save a good 15 or 20 runs by their good fielding but also frustrate the batsman so much that he might just contemplate smashing the bat on his own balls and leave the park on stretchers. But our team members just do the opposite and end up smashing their own balls out of frustration.

Reason 3 – Equally Pathetic Bowling

Without Zaheer Khan, even the ‘Saikrupa Hosiery’ team’s batsmen would make a black and blue of team India’s bowling attack. The village kid with holding his oversized pants in one hand and bowling in the other all the while exposing half of his black butt would bowl and spin better than Harbajan Sing. If anything that is more over hyped than Pamela Anderson’s boob’s size then it has to be this sardar. Turbunator – my ass is what I want to say. I don’t know why but for me his selection in team is as strange and bizarre as Shilpa Shetty deciding to marry that ‘Guava with crow shit at the top’ look alike Raj Kundra. For some strange reasons our selection committee and our captain doesn’t seems to have enough of him even though he strictly believes in taking wickets once in every leap year.

Now look at other available options. Nehra - as useless (perhaps a little more) as he is as a fielder. Munaf – lazy as one can get and even ready to lie atop a woman and can wait for the earthquake. Equally useless, if not more. Chawla – My brains fails miserably to get the exact words to define his surprising inclusion in the team. I guess, more than bowling he was selected to project that bullshit called National Unity funda to the world. Let me not get started on our so called part-timers. They are as faithful as village bicycle and little point in pretending happy to have a bunch of them when all know they are as useful as Khadi Condoms. So there is no gain in shouting at the top of our voice – We are big Mahatma Gandhi fans; hence proved. Let’s not redefine the age old one liner – “Mazboori ka naam Mahatma Gandhi

Reason 4 – Mahendra Sing Dhoni

If anything other than Australia is a real threat for Team India in the tournament then it is Mahendra Sing Dhoni. I don’t know why he is there to start with. Neither he is batting, bowling or fielding. We can’t have him in the team just because Ravis Shastri thinks he is fucking cool like cucumber. After all we are constructing a team not green salad. If our fascination for cucumber goes overdrive and rattles our underwear then let’s have the cucumber itself than having this junk. At least we would save some money.

More than a cricketer he has turned into one badass politician of late. More than playing the game he is always in the lookout to finger one or two somewhere. No wonder he suffers from more finger injuries than rest of the world cricketers combined. From the past champions one thing is clear for sure – the last thing you need to win the world cup is a crooked politician at the helm of affairs, irrespective of him being either cucumber or a heap of shit. As such politicians have never done anything good and constructive anyway.

So there I rest my case on why I feel India might just flutter at some stage of the tournament. Even though it might not be as embarrassing as it was in West Indies where we were not left to scratch our balls even; things won’t be anything spectacularly better either. For me – if we really envisioning ourselves to lift the cup then somehow and by some means we have to clog two out of the four reasons I listed. As expecting such drastic turnaround from our team is as absurd as expecting Yanna Gupta to put on a proper innerwear next time; we might just need a monumental miracle to see us through. Awfully tough, if not impossible.

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3 comments :

  1. Pathetic usage of the language and derogatory remarks in the middle of the sentences makes the article look very much horrid. Please do some research into your english vocab and grammar.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Kartik,

    First of all - Thanks for being there in my blog page.I appreciate your effort in correcting my English. But gotta say this - For my help, can you share the links of, some of your own works. Let me learn from your writing to begin with. What do you say?

    Great Day!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. India finally managed to win the world cup,which proves your perception is not correct.

    i know its too late to reply...but was just going through ur posts.

    ReplyDelete

 
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