Dear Dhoni & Team,
First-thing-first, I strongly object to this torture of an entire nation in the hands of only eleven individuals and a country called Duncan Fletcher.
Honestly, I don’t write too much on cricket since there is nothing much to write about you guys as all your actions, reactions are pretty much clichéd barring instances where some excitement is thrown at us in the form of a slap or two on Sreesanth. But as they say the situation brings the devil out of an ordinary individual, like what happened with Phoolan Devi and I am here to write this piece of shit to inquire about your go-karting experience in Australia; thanks to some more than pathetic performance of you guys in the racist land.
Do you guys realize how tormented the entire nation is since you started this Agneepath (damn Star Cricket for coining this) series on Boxing Day? Do you guys realize how painful it is to wake up 5 in the morning during winter time to watch you guys play? And what we get in return? Middle finger from Virat Kohli? Really?
When you guys left our shores to concur the so called final frontier we were so excited for being tagged as the favorites. Now looking back to that analysis by greats like Arun Lal, I just want to slap Boria Mazmudar in the middle of the Howrah Bridge. Why frighten Boria for the analysis of Arun, you may ask? Because that idiot went ahead a step further and predicted an all but possible whitewash in our favor. Now that we are in the verge of turning that predication entirely on its head; someone needs to pay for big mouthing. And as it is, Boria on any given day can be slapped just for the volume level of his vocal chords. He is been tormenting an entire set of Times Now viewers since ICC world cup and it is time justice is done. Harbhajan Sing can take this responsibility of slapping Boria left-right-and-center once he is free from his advertisement assignments with Colors. After all he always wanted to make it big. Didn’t he?
Now coming back to cricket. What the hell is going there down under? To sum up your performance till now one can only say – “You guys were Molested in Melbourne, Sodomized in Sydney and Pounded in Perth”. Are these signs of a so called World champion team? More than the patchy performance which we viewers are accustomed to whenever you guys travel abroad, it is the swiftness of you lot to throw the advantage flummoxes me. When the match was more than just on our favor at Melbourne, we see a clueless captain with a heavy bankruptcy of ideas; let the last two pairs score close to a hundred runs. I guess most of you must have realized by now that we lost the test right there. Was that a strategy which went horribly wrong, much like the majority of Government policies or a genuine effort to prove the mega loss in England was not just a fluke?
If that was not enough, I see a lot of not so required Aapsi Bhagidari within the team think tank. Why there is a fear for change amongst you guys? Look at what that been allowed to continue failure after failure. Virat Kohli was given such a long rope that, even though his scorecard has got nothing much to show, he ended up showing his middle finger to the spectators, which also includes we rascals waking up cranky at 5 in the morning. Irrespective of him being the highest scorer in the first innings at Perth, I am thoroughly convinced; he shouldn’t have been given another chance. What happened to Rohit Sharma? Has he broken a thing or two? Even if I am sure Rohit won’t be much different to Virat when it comes to performance, at least he won’t show his middle finger. That is an outright bonus right there.
To go a little easy, the youngsters could be spared for their lack of experience (now someone please don’t argue, why then not spare Suresh Kalmadi for being inexperienced in arranging mega games), but what about our oldies lot? What our much touted batting lineup with an average age of 38 years doing in the park? Sachin eyeing his hundredth hundred while getting out in the mid-way, Very Very Special Laxman has long lost his specialty, and Boy, what to say about our wall. More than a handful of bricks seem to have fallen off the wall as he is getting castled every-now-and-then. Four times getting bowled this series is so un-Dravidish. Won’t you think this trio has long surpassed their expiry date? If an affinity for oldies is the flavor of our team, then also bring along Dada to the fray. At least he will torment less people than what he is doing by his commentary in Star Cricket. For God’s sake, why you can’t digest that people with age range starting late thirties don’t belong to a cricket field. Can’t we just call upon these three and thank them for their service and advise them to go fishing?
And honestly I don’t buy arguments like we don’t have right replacements for these greats. We never had right replacement for Lalbahadur Shastri either, but then we had entities like Devegowda to replace him. Didn’t we? And let me assure you, guys like Cheteswar Pujara, Ajinkya Rahane, Suresh Riana and Rohit Sharma or even for that matter Middle-Finger Kohli, won’t be that sharp in contrast to what Devegowda was to Shastriji. We can afford to lose few more tests with this new brigade than having old farts throwing the towel in the ring without even lifting their weapons. BCCI, are you guys listening or just too busy finalizing the cheer girl list for the upcoming IPL session?
That said, I don’t blame you entirely for the mess of a performance down under, which even would put Madhu Koda above in the performance index. Ravi Shastri has a great role to play in our downfall over the years. Now please someone don’t try to accuse me of being superstitious, as I am genuinely trying to. No sooner Ravi turns up to orate; we lose at least one wicket, invariably the better set batsman. A good bowling spell turns nightmarish as soon as Ravi says one of his standard lines – ‘The key is bowling in the right areas’. Why the hell adequate steps can’t be taken to ban Shastri from commenting, at least in matches involving India? Do a candle light march, signature campaign, revolution in Tahrir square or just slap Sreesanth once again or ask Rajdeep Sardesai to tweet the concern in one of his famous ‘Gnite’ tweets; do anything but just stop Shastri entering anywhere near 100 meters of the commentary box. I don’t mind if even Indian army is pressed into service to accomplish this tough job. Hasn’t he already tortured us beyond irreparable damage by his seer batting skills that we have to tolerate further? I strongly object to this torture also.
And for those of you who are losing their collective shit for Sachin not scoring his hundredth hundred. 99 centuries and highest of 94 after that. Isn’t that a great tribute to Sir Donald Bradman and his test average of 99.94?
Warm Regards & All the best
- Someone who won't ever get up 5 in the morning henceforth