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Saturday, January 14, 2012

Thundered Down-Under!!

Dear Dhoni & Team

First-thing-first, I strongly object to this torture of an entire nation in the hands of only eleven individuals and a country called Duncan Fletcher.

Honestly, I don’t write too much on cricket since there is nothing much to write about you guys as all your actions, reactions are pretty much clichéd barring instances where some excitement is thrown at us in the form of a slap or two on Sreesanth. But as they say the situation brings the devil out of an ordinary individual, like what happened with Phoolan Devi and I am here to write this piece of shit to inquire about your go-karting experience in Australia; thanks to some more than pathetic performance of you guys in the racist land. 
Do you guys realize how tormented the entire nation is since you started this Agneepath (damn Star Cricket for coining this) series on Boxing Day? Do you guys realize how painful it is to wake up 5 in the morning during winter time to watch you guys play? And what we get in return? Middle finger from Virat Kohli? Really? 
When you guys left our shores to concur the so called final frontier we were so excited for being tagged as the favorites. Now looking back to that analysis by greats like Arun Lal, I just want to slap Boria Mazmudar in the middle of the Howrah Bridge. Why frighten Boria for the analysis of Arun, you may ask? Because that idiot went ahead a step further and predicted an all but possible whitewash in our favor. Now that we are in the verge of turning that predication entirely on its head; someone needs to pay for big mouthing. And as it is, Boria on any given day can be slapped just for the volume level of his vocal chords. He is been tormenting an entire set of Times Now viewers since ICC world cup and it is time justice is done. Harbhajan Sing can take this responsibility of slapping Boria left-right-and-center once he is free from his advertisement assignments with Colors. After all he always wanted to make it big. Didn’t he?
Now coming back to cricket. What the hell is going there down under? To sum up your performance till now one can only say – “You guys were Molested in Melbourne, Sodomized in Sydney and Pounded in Perth”. Are these signs of a so called World champion team? More than the patchy performance which we viewers are accustomed to whenever you guys travel abroad, it is the swiftness of you lot to throw the advantage flummoxes me. When the match was more than just on our favor at Melbourne, we see a clueless captain with a heavy bankruptcy of ideas; let the last two pairs score close to a hundred runs. I guess most of you must have realized by now that we lost the test right there. Was that a strategy which went horribly wrong, much like the majority of Government policies or a genuine effort to prove the mega loss in England was not just a fluke? 
If that was not enough, I see a lot of not so required Aapsi Bhagidari within the team think tank. Why there is a fear for change amongst you guys? Look at what that been allowed to continue failure after failure. Virat Kohli was given such a long rope that, even though his scorecard has got nothing much to show, he ended up showing his middle finger to the spectators, which also includes we rascals waking up cranky at 5 in the morning. Irrespective of him being the highest scorer in the first innings at Perth, I am thoroughly convinced; he shouldn’t have been given another chance. What happened to Rohit Sharma? Has he broken a thing or two? Even if I am sure Rohit won’t be much different to Virat when it comes to performance, at least he won’t show his middle finger. That is an outright bonus right there. 
To go a little easy, the youngsters could be spared for their lack of experience (now someone please don’t argue, why then not spare Suresh Kalmadi for being inexperienced in arranging mega games), but what about our oldies lot? What our much touted batting lineup with an average age of 38 years doing in the park? Sachin eyeing his hundredth hundred while getting out in the mid-way, Very Very Special Laxman has long lost his specialty, and Boy, what to say about our wall. More than a handful of bricks seem to have fallen off the wall as he is getting castled every-now-and-then. Four times getting bowled this series is so un-Dravidish. Won’t you think this trio has long surpassed their expiry date? If an affinity for oldies is the flavor of our team, then also bring along Dada to the fray. At least he will torment less people than what he is doing by his commentary in Star Cricket. For God’s sake, why you can’t digest that people with age range starting late thirties don’t belong to a cricket field. Can’t we just call upon these three and thank them for their service and advise them to go fishing? 
And honestly I don’t buy arguments like we don’t have right replacements for these greats. We never had right replacement for Lalbahadur Shastri either, but then we had entities like Devegowda to replace him. Didn’t we? And let me assure you, guys like Cheteswar Pujara, Ajinkya Rahane, Suresh Riana and Rohit Sharma or even for that matter Middle-Finger Kohli, won’t be that sharp in contrast to what Devegowda was to Shastriji. We can afford to lose few more tests with this new brigade than having old farts throwing the towel in the ring without even lifting their weapons. BCCI, are you guys listening or just too busy finalizing the cheer girl list for the upcoming IPL session?
That said, I don’t blame you entirely for the mess of a performance down under, which even would put Madhu Koda above in the performance index. Ravi Shastri has a great role to play in our downfall over the years. Now please someone don’t try to accuse me of being superstitious, as I am genuinely trying to. No sooner Ravi turns up to orate; we lose at least one wicket, invariably the better set batsman. A good bowling spell turns nightmarish as soon as Ravi says one of his standard lines – ‘The key is bowling in the right areas’. Why the hell adequate steps can’t be taken to ban Shastri from commenting, at least in matches involving India? Do a candle light march, signature campaign, revolution in Tahrir square or just slap Sreesanth once again or ask Rajdeep Sardesai to tweet the concern in one of his famous ‘Gnite’ tweets; do anything but just stop Shastri entering anywhere near 100 meters of the commentary box. I don’t mind if even Indian army is pressed into service to accomplish this tough job. Hasn’t he already tortured us beyond irreparable damage by his seer batting skills that we have to tolerate further? I strongly object to this torture also.
And for those of you who are losing their collective shit for Sachin not scoring his hundredth hundred. 99 centuries and highest of 94 after that. Isn’t that a great tribute to Sir Donald Bradman and his test average of 99.94?
Warm Regards & All the best
- Someone who won't ever get up 5 in the morning henceforth

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15 comments :

  1. Sir, Thanks a lot for listening to the request and writing this 'much-needed' blog...!!! :)

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  2. do u know what is cricket ? hv u ever held a cricket bat in ur life ?

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  3. @Anonymous. No Sir. I haven't held a cricket bat ever. Yes I know a thing or two about cricket. By the way I and million others also write about politics, far from being a politician or involved in politics.

    Yes I do vote though. In the same notion, I do also watch and follow cricket closely...

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  4. Usage of few words "Molested in Melbourne, Sodomized in Sydney and Pounded in Perth" , "old farts" are good for some one to read as they add masala but its absolute crap. I could not find a rational in your article. Don't you had a some conscience even before the start of the series or just now after this failure you felt like writing this "shit". Coming to Kholi's middle finger..as a human being don't you think you should react when the bloody australian racist crowd speaks on someone's mother?? And you have no mention for the crowd. And I will be immensely surprised if you don't react, when someone calls at you. After all he is a human being and being in a profession of such reputation, I agree he should keep his temper and should manage his profession and public image very carefully. And speaking of sachin, he scored better than any one in the team and I dont understand why the hell that only his century counts and not his 80s and 90s. Or is that in cricket that whatever runs he makes are not counted in the Indian score board?? Is it that he has a special score board that counts only for him not for the team? I dont understand when people say he plays for him not for the nation. I was wondered after reading this apathy article that could not mention a single line about the credentials of the australian team which bowled superbly. Mate!! try to be sensible before you right an abusive article. I call your article a pile of dog shit and over all its a chunk of shit.

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  5. This article is an absolute SHIT

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  6. @ Both Anonymous - Thank you very much sir for these beautiful comments.

    Cheers!!

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  7. I can say if your so called "Old farts" are replaced with young guns,, I wont be surprised if India puts only 61 & 71 runs on board.Your article is simply a frustration that your are going through after India lost the match. And after writing 3/4th of the article with all crap reasons, it was funny, meaningless and crap to read your superstitions on shastri!!

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  8. @The last THREE Anonymous. You could be correct sir when you say it is my frustration after losing three in a row. That said I just want to wonder, what could be your frustration against this article that you ended up posting three different comments with same context as ANONYMOUS. I would certainly love to know the person's name who has got such strong views.

    BTW, are you Boria himself by any chance ??

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  9. F**k Boria,,I am not and I wonder how people clap when these cricketers win for India and abuse when they loose the game. Your article is just a sink that I got to hitback at people who are abusing at the legendary Indian crickers like Dravid, Sachin and Laxman. These cricketers brought fame to Indian cricket and they deserve a good amount of respect. But one thing, I appreciate your views as "views", but these are not rational to criticize the game.

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  10. By The way, I am still awaiting for your name. Rather being so jittery about this post, why don't you share your thoughts in the form of a counter article? I will publish the link in my blog for sure.

    Let me take another guess - Are you Venkata Vengapurupu Sai Laxman?

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  11. I just don't understand why people cannot accept the fact that Team India is really playing worst than Namibia (If it was a Test-playing nation).
    They don't deserve to be world-champs after this misery (even though the 'old-warriors' n 'young-guns' are together playing this series!).
    Good work with this blog...DJ!!! :)

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  12. @Cynical Don't bother yourself. Let me do the guessing for you.

    Janab Anonymous, are you Krishnamachari Shrikant because you speak exactly like him. Baseless and getting exited and hot for no reasons.

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  13. Just wanted to say one thing .. The squad of 16 players (+ some tourists) is the official team of BCCI (which is a private club)and not an official team of our nation. Every money that the team makes goes to the club and its member. So stop cranking and start showing the middle finger to the Club called BCCI and its team.

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  14. @Cynical

    I think Anonymous is Harbhajan Singh.

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  15. Hehehhehe ! Loved the article and equally loved the comment...I seriously don't understand why people of India give so much importance to players and game who in real sense don't give a crap about their fans...if the case was otherwise then situation would have been different.

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