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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Reasons I Love Jerry More Than Our Politicians


I always come across with this question from my readers, that why I love Jerry so much? So much so that I have his (though not sure of the gender since Walt Disney failed miserably in confirming that) picture at every available place that I can possibly put, including my display profile of Twitter and Facebook? Even though I could have replied with a standard Jayanthi Natarajanish answer of ‘None Of Your Business’ as it is entirely my prerogative to love whomever I want to which might also include characters like Shreesanth, Uday Chopra, Mayawati, Bisen Sing Bedi,  Bejan Daruwala, Arjuna Ranatunga and Khushwant Sing to name few; yet I felt I should answer the WHY as it may not be as earth shattering as passing a silent fart inside a closed lift which has got barely enough space left for the Behenji to protect her modesty. That said I am sure I perhaps would have received a considerable lesser number of WHY had I put Osama Bin-Laden’s picture instead. 

Coming back to the question, I love so many things other than just Jerry in my life which also includes my wife (Hope none has a WHY for this one as long as they don’t have a Rakhi Shawant's clone as theirs). But anyway loving your wife is pretty much clich├ęd as the choices are limited – Either be in a photo frame with a garland on it or start loving your wife in a jiffy; I otherwise look for reasons before I start loving something and here are why I love JERRY so much

Annoying to the core – Had there been Jerry present at Kurukshetra, I am sure Krishna Bhagwan would have stopped acting funny via his recitation of something that we all know by Bhagwat Gita and would have certainly stopped vouching for Tolerance and few of those similar sounding nonsense and we guys would have been spared from hearing terms like ‘Hindi Chini Bhai Bhai’, minority appeasement, Hindu terror, Bajrang Dal, ‘val hoptons var hopon’ and last but not the least Lalkrishna Advani. Now that is what you call raw power of Jerry which can beat the living day lights of the best in the business just by his mere presence. This is what I like most about Jerry – the quality to make even Gautama Buddha lose his temper and do a Dharmendra of Sholay atop a water tank after a good couple of pegs down.

My teacher once told me over a friendly discussion – Son, if you can’t annoy someone by your presence then little point in being there. That goes with your writings as well since it is no point in writing if you can’t annoy few with your writings and holy cow, I couldn’t have got a better role model than Jerry. While I feel sorry for Tom a big way, I still appreciate the qualities of Jerry. When we as a country being bullied and annoyed by everyone including Bangladesh, Nepal and Greg Chappel, who really cares for a certain Tom anyway. The art of annoyance is a tool that can do wonders at the time of need. Look at Pakistan and their annoying capabilities. Thanks to the cracked up habit of Zardari and team to always deploy at least one of them in front of Obama’s residence 24X7 with a begging bowl that the black fellow out of irritation makes huge cuts in his own federal spending as if he were the chief operating manager of Sanjay Gandhi’s vasectomy team and donate billions to Pakistan. Now that’s one Jerry in our neighborhood alone. Just imagine the face of Nilotpal Basu and tell me what you feel? Well I feel like punching football studs in my nuts and jump in front of a road roller. The moment Nilotpal Basu opens his mouth in Jugalbandi with D.Raja, I bet many would be contemplating calling up Philo Fransworth’s home to scold his family members for inventing television. 

Keeping it simple and straight – Now that’s one thing which most of us lack. The list includes but not limited to Manish Tiwari, Saurav Ganguly, Karan Johar, Sania Mirza, Budhadeb Bhattacharya, Asit Sen, Arundhati Roy, Sashi Tharoor, Lalit Modi, Arnav Goswami, Krishnamachari Shrikanth, and of course Inspector Daya and ACP Pradyuman hmmm… or may be Dr.Salunke but you got the point? Average Indian suffers from the false faux pass of possessing an illusion of them being highly intelligent and tries to be philosophical in every and any damn thing they do. Do you think India can win this match from here on? There you go. The question follows with a heavy breath as if I asked for both of their kidneys and that look towards the sky still being inside a closed room to give that Ala Socrates impression. Heavens, I bloody asked the simplest of questions that doesn’t require you to turn one philosopher all of a sudden and look at the ceiling of your room and start counting the number of lizard shit on your tube-light. Why can’t you just give me your goddamn opinion without throwing nonsensical tantrums and be done away with it? 

I mean have you ever cared to look at the facial expression of Manish Tiwari whenever he tries to vomit a Webster dictionary as an answer for the simplest of questions asked? What do you think about the debate on price rise Mr.Tiwari? Well, even though the concerns are paramount and of philanthropic proportion, the Bahratiya Janta Party is lowering the gravitas of the situation through their affricative theatrics by allowing complete navies with hooligan like mindset to disrupt the sylvatic decorum of the parliament by raising questions of complete non-grata. Hang on; For God’s sake could you please for once answer in a simple line? Once at least for we lesser mortals to understand? Or are you genuinely trying to be the English version of Baba Ramdev? Or you want to show you are extremely intelligent, so much so that Swami Vivekananda would hang his head in shame? And what the hell about that nasty facial expression while you were delivering your rubbish, as if a pregnant woman carrying twins going through some severe labor pain?  

Now look at Jerry in comparison. Simple, crisp, no Manish Tiwarification of the job at hand and complete no-nonsense. Want to have the vengeance against Tom? There you go – bring a fully loaded gas cylinder from the kitchen and smash it on Tom with full force. Even though if a mouse can carry a fully loaded cylinder is debatable, it shows the attitude of Jerry and which precisely is the reason to love him. That is simple-and-straight. Give the same job to Manish Tiwari. He will start with accusing NDA for coming up with heavier 16Kg cylinders against the standard 14Kg during their time and blame it as a nefarious and maligned intention of the then government against all those who love to hurl fully loaded gas cylinders at each other for fun.

Small is beautiful – Barring certain things rest all look cute when they are small. Even an average Sardar kid looks cute as a toddler. Many inspired idiots who put the crappy punch-line like ‘Size Does Matter’ as their Facebook page introduction might disagree violently with me as if I am saying Aishwrya Rai looked more adorable after getting pregnant but what’s the take? Be original you crapheads and come up with your own vomiting as everything is not the goddamn Godzilla movie promo. Sorry Sogo Tomiyama. 

Look at the size of Jerry. Small, cute and extremely agile. It is refreshing to see pocket dynamites in action than a huge Anaconda wrapping around the body of Jenifer Lopez for no apparent reason. Leave something for the humans to accomplish you creepy creature. If not anyone then for Mark Anthony at least? Small size does bring about a renovated mobility for Jerry so much so that an equally agile Tom always finds himself at the receiving end. Have you seen the aerodynamic stature of Jerry while running? I bet a certain Ben Johnson minus the steroids would be envious of such skills.  

He is silent – Who doesn’t love peace and silence? For people like me who have heard Arnav Goswami, Navjot Sing Sidhu, Srikanth, Ravi Shastri, Mamta Banarjee, Karunanidhi, Inzamam-Ul-Haq, Suhel Seth, Mahesh Bhatt talk in great lengths and that too day-in and day-out, silence in literal sense golden for them. Heck even diamond. The oration becomes more painful when it is not accompanied by the expected actions. Take Sidhu for example. “The ball went up so high that it could have brought down an airhostess along with it”. Goodness me!! Is it kind of a quote vomiting platform? I am sorry but I don’t give a Nithyananda on your orating skills as it sucks while the fact is it was a skier of Sachin and we are already four down in a bloody important match. Could you please STFU for once in your life? Have you heard of someone called Fran Lebowitz? Ever? He said – ‘Opposite of talking is not listening. The opposite of talking is waiting’. And what the hell I am waiting for? You to stop or myself to commit suicide?

In the era of noise pollution where the amount of noise has long surpassed the amount of hair on Jayram Ramesh’s skull Jerry is one who must be loved by one-and-all who are at least once bitten badly by Sidhuism smug. It is the cracking of glass plates, banging of fry pans on Tom’s face or Tom crashing onto some glass cupboard that add up to the cacophony level of any Tom & Jerry show but Jerry pretty much remains silent always. Have you ever seen Jerry talking? Might be occasionally whispering on his nephew’s ear but never doing a Sidhu or Mamta Banarjee. And as it is, every married male knows what the value of silence is and hence Jerry bound to be in the love list of every married male. So I am no different here.

Doesn’t Show off – The biggest catch for me when it comes to Jerry is his demeanor. Someone who knows what he is and what he is capable of. One who knows his limitations and strengths and of course little or no Showbazi. One intensified look at an average Facebook profile will tell you why I adore this character of Jerry so much. 

Have you seen people portraying their lousy existence via some silly half drenched photographs taken somewhere in Bhimasankar or Khandala or even worst at Sihangarh fort and uploaded in Facebook with ‘Wow!! The Sub-African Rain Forest were so awesome’ below it? Dude could you for once stop gloating even if you had in realty gone there? Going to an African rain forest and getting your posteriors scratched by red ass Langoors is as big an achievement as India winning Asiad Kabadi Gold three times in a row. And since when sub-African chaps started driving a Bajaj auto which I can see in your photograph at a distance after careful observation? So dude, why don’t you just admit that you were in Bhimasankar but never expected it to be so beautiful? If that is not enough a show off now I can see in my timeline another genius having an automobile review done – ‘Goodness. When it comes to driving pleasure Skoda is Makhan in comparison to Ford Fiesta’. Dude what I am supposed to do then? Write to Skoda motors to employ your filthy ass as their quality assurance head? Or are you telling us that you possess both the sedans which I am totally unwilling to agree as your very face pisses me off and looking at your crappy education level I suggest you to have some descent education so that you can elevate yourself from the permanent position of a call center executive and can afford something beyond a TVS Scooty. 

That’s where Jerry stands out. He knows very well he is a mouse and pretty much sticks to it. No show off, no extravaganza or over display of things which are not possible as to not being caught with his pants down. Are you listening Fredrick? CID officer? my ass. You don’t even qualify to be a clown in Jammu circus.     

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2 comments :

  1. you made my day cheerful :)..3 standout statements :

    1) Either be in a photo frame with a garland on it or start loving your wife in a jiffy

    2) we as a country being bullied and annoyed by everyone including Bangladesh, Nepal and "Greg Chappel" ..( almost everyone would have expected you to mention Pakistan )

    3) Tiwari's response to pricerise :)

    Cheers,
    Shaan

    ReplyDelete
  2. excellent writing -- except that either you got carried away to write about Bhagwad Gita or please explain a bit what you mean by that. Krishna asked Arjun to be Jerry and thats when the fun started.

    ReplyDelete

 
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