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Friday, January 6, 2012

Irritating Indian Travellers

Team Being Cynical
When we have got people like H.D.Devegowda in India it speaks volume of the collective irrational behavior and irritating attitude of us as a nation. We Indians are constantly irritating and annoying for a lot of people by the sheer power of our ridiculous habits. Ask the racists of the Melbourne streets or the thugs of the London streets or the entire populace if it happens to be Pakistan. All will voice one reason or the other (including, why Indians always question Afridi ‘s never changing age of 18 only because he has already played international cricket for those many years ) for their hatred with annoying habits of us could easily be at the top hands down.
 
For me, one such habit that stands out like a Haryanvi Jaat among the rest Delhites, is the stuffs we do during our travel. The point by point assassination of our molestation attempt on concepts like Holidays and Holidaying follows.
 
The Luggage That We Carry: Boy, this is one thing that should constitutionally be banned in India. I mean no one in their life should be allowed to carry the amount of luggage that an average Indian traveler carries during his/her journey. Sorry you can’t carry that volume of luggage, which even the NATO forces might not have ferried in the Posthun region of Pakistan. This is a goddamn public transport, not a bloody lorry to carry half of your household stuff for a five hundred kilometer journey. The vehicle is already overloaded by just alone carrying your filthy asses; thank you very much.
 
The number of luggage create a problem to other co-passengers in the journey which starts as soon as a dozen people rush inside the bogie with each of them having a big bag in their hands to see off the only traveler; well at best two. Then the process of squeezing the heavy bags under the seat with surgical precision continues till the point at least half of them remain hanged on air with support from nearby luggage and protruding one third of their structure, out. Now this gangbang with the poor luggage by one party leaves almost no scope for other passengers to squeeze anything in. It is not that others don’t try to squeeze in theirs in the microscopic gaps available; but fail miserably most of the time.
 
At times even the number of luggage take the better of the space available and we see open luggage lazing all around the upper berths and waiting to fall on the bald head of that poor gentleman busy with his Sannyo Walkman. At night these luggage are thrown in the compartment lobby to make space for the owners to rest their posteriors while lesser mortals like us are all at the mercy of our destiny and good luck not to hit one of those and topple while trying to answer the nature’s call in the mid of the night. Honestly, I had one such experience where I found myself falling flat on my face because I got entangled with one of the rolling nonsense in the lobby. I got up and went straight to my berth without going to the toilet out of sheer anger and disparagement. 
               
Food That We Pack: I mean what the heck? Do you really need to pack so much food, which could easily feed Adnan Sami and few other countries for at least a week for a thousand kilometer journey? For Christ sake why half of your luggage has to be full with food and only food? From Haldiram Namkins to Nathu Ram’s Samoshe; From Paratha to some homemade Papad. Why the hell you have to reincarnate as a goddamn Kirana shop every time you travel?
 
Do you guys ever realize how it smells when you open that nasty dabba of yours’ containing some stale Paratha or Pudi laced with an even more gruesome than shit looking Achar? How come you can spend half of your journey time in eating and only eating?
 
While an average Indian traveler baffles me with his never-ending eating spree throughout his/her journey, Gujaratis are a notch ahead when it comes to irritate the living daylight out of the fellow passengers by their sheer eating habit. Except lighting a gas and frying some Khakra or Papad right there, those idiots pretty much do the rest. I was horrified once to see the size of their tiffin boxes and the amount of content they were carrying. To horrify me more, a lady of the tormenting lot started pilling a cucumber to plate the salad. Heavens, I never imagined of travelling alongside a hotel on wheels for this journey of mine. Little told about the amount of loitering that goes around for such obnoxious eating habits, which makes the city garbage dump yard look heaven in comparison to the an average Indian Railways compartment.
 
The Games That We Play: Can’t the railways employ people to roam around the bogies every half an hour and slap individuals engaged in having a game of Cards or Ludo, left-right-and-center? Even before the last bogie of the train leaves the platform, we have patrons ready with their cards to start a noisy game of 29. Are you guys retard? Mentally unstable to realize where you are? Or are you guys are SRK from My Name Is Khan?
 
Why the hail as a fellow passenger I have to tolerate that spreading towel in the middle of the berth and a howling lot engaged in self sodomy? I mean why I shouldn’t be allowed to concentrate on the paperback pirated book that I just purchased from a Nepali Indian or Indian Nepali or whatever? Why you guys have to discuss the details of the just finished game in top of your voice as if a serious group discussion going around concluding, who is more macho between M.K.Alagiri and Arjuna Ranatunga? While you guys get that satisfaction of being great gamblers why the hell I have to learn all the nuances of that filthy game?
 
And seriously guys, if you think this card mavericks of yours' will impresses the chicks of the bogie so much that all will be head-over-heels in love with you before you reach your destination station then let me assure you, you failed more miserably than Jugal Hanshraj’s Bollywood career. And by the way, do you guys realize there are aged people travelling who need some rest during the journey; people travelling to attend that all important interview and need some peace of mind; students having examination right after getting down and for sure need some time to brush the topic? Isn’t the railway pantry food enough a torture that we have to bear you great gamblers too? 
  
Laptop Mongrels: Are you really addicted to a Laptop in your lap or just want to show off one and all that you are a big tech gig? Either way, this is irritating son. Irritating because I don’t want a goddamned bespectacled mule sitting beside me with a laptop and running a third graded Hindi movie with volume level high enough for the guy near the toilet to hear. If that is not good enough, look at the timing. Why in earth it is required for you to run that nonsense sitting on your top berth, just when I plan to go for a nap just after my dinner? And why is that flash of light emanating from your laptop screen splashing on my face?
 
Believe me, I am already fed up with the constantly supplied rotten food from the pantry and the last thing that I would appreciate is some crackjack making haywire of my digestive system just because he thought of listening to Anu Malik’s ‘Barish ho rahi hai, it’s raining, it’s raing’. You are already hammering on my nerves by sitting in front of me and playing with that filthy laptop since dawn break. Hence I would urge you not to increase the misery for both of us; else it would eventually lead to me making a Sreesanth out of you.

Now, none should ask why every second person that gets bashed up around the globe as a resultant of hate crime, has to be an Indian. The answer is very much self-explanatory.

5 comments:

  1. Good one ! Enjoyed reading this...reminded me of the nightmares during my past train travel...

    You could also highlight the fact about how each and every section of train is used for sleeping these days...

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  2. Have you seen Bengali's?They travels with entire kitchen & bedroom.

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  3. Cynicism at its best, may I request you to stop travelling in India :)
    Or perhaps get married, atleast these problems will look smaller to you and you will have more positive outlook to life :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can understand that you're obviously disgruntled with the way Indians travel, and this is technically your space to rant and rave about it, I find your views to be terribly myopic and generalised. Moreover, your language is utterly shit.

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  5. you are seriously depressed. whats wrong with you??

    ReplyDelete

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