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Sunday, January 1, 2012

My Wishes For 2012

Team Being Cynical
Another year, another set of wishes. A whole bunch of resolutions which are most likely to be broken by the evening of 5th January. Hope and aspiration of a better world with less amount of sorrow, suffering, plight, terrorism, Tahrir square, non-state actors, dossiers, Digvijay Sing’s face on TV and many more such which we want to be less. These were the wishes when we were too shaky after gulping down a gallon of grog during our 31st celebration and sober enough to even wrongly spell the word sober itself.
  
Now that it is morning of the first day of a new year and we are back to some kind of sanity with a little bit of hangover, let’s ponder on the wishes that we made the night before. How many of them we really want to see happening? And most important, how many of them have some realistic possibility of happening. Here is my list of wishes which I wish to see materializing in next twelve months.
 
Decent Politicians: How fool I am to wish for this; you must be thinking. Well I know this is the biggest foolishness one can aspire to do; even bigger than N.D.Tiwari having call girls in his bedroom in Rajbhawan. But as a nation we deserve better people representing us. Don’t we? That said we can’t change the entire present lot as the bench strength is not looking any encouraging either. So one can only wish the lot to be more responsible and for once in their life act like statesmen.
 
We have got elections in five states with Gujarat being one of them. For the life of me, I don’t wish to see and hear absolutely rubbish TuTu-MainMain among our political class while throwing shit at each other on public platforms. For once I wish to see the elections going off without any rugged one-upmanship and statements like ‘Mauth Ka Saudagar’ or ‘Amul Baby’ hitting me left-right-and-center. The battle ground of UP which would see the entire set of clowns participating gives me jitters on the thought of going through the daily dose of Arnav Goswami pill through Newshour during poll period. Presence of people like Mayawati, Mulayam, Rahul Gandhi and Digvijay Sing can even give scary nightmares to the demons of Yamraj; let alone me being a lesser mortal.
 
Hope some sense would prevail among our crooked political class and this year would pass off as a less bitter political rivalry.
 
Ban Bloody Shows Like Big Boss: Are our television creative directors so bankrupt when it comes to new ideas? So much so that they go on copying rubbish from across the globe? What the hell about this show; can anyone please elaborate to me right now? A collection of mentally retard individuals captured from different parts of the planet and bundled inside a house and given a freehand to bitch against each other and vomit nonsense so openly that it could even give Rakhi Shawant some sleepless nights. Is this a television show that we are talking about or an India-Pakistan joint delegation meeting? The show that shows the skills of bitching and fouling at the drop of a hat against another human is certainly what we can be better off not having on air.
 
If that was not enough to give bad teachings to our kids who somehow remain glued to the television set for the better part of the day, they thought of pushing a porn star in the house which took the show to all time low on credential and values. Please someone take steps to remove such crap from Indian television screens before it creates enough damage on collective Indian psyche which would even make Mayawati as our next Prime-Minister a better option.
 
Less Of Statues: I want to say this with conviction – Mayawati please stop this nonsense in the name of all Dalits. This has to be condemned by one and all and a corrupt CBI investigation be ordered to figure out how the number of statues of Mayawati in UP has crossed the combined number of schools and hospitals of the state.
 
The statues in general are a public nuisance and big time sight polluters. I can’t imagine myself getting up early in the morning for my regular jog and the first thing that I see at my neighborhood chowk is the goddamn purse carrying ugly statue of Mayawati or pigeon shit covered statue of Ambedkar. My sincere condolences are with the plight of Luckhnow residents. We have already overtaken the required number of statues in our country with Mayawati handsomely contributing a third of it; we want no more statues of anyone being erected for next half a century. No Congress bootlickers; not even of Rahul Gandhi. Half of UP land and revenue are already consumed in building ugly statues across the state and we better leave the left out resources for constructive endeavors like building schools, hospitals, stadiums etc. If Mayawti continues with her money spending spree on her own statues then I plead to one and all; please someone convince Dawood Ebrahim to shoot her on sight.
 
Finally A Lokpal: It is due since last forty years and it is about time we have one. That’s what even our politicians promised us after the fiasco in Rajya Sabha. Didn’t they? I don’t know why but for the first time I want believe our politicians for once and want to pit my hope against the words of a hopelessly retarded bunch known as our political class. We had enough strikes and agitations and have left quite a few of our fellow citizens starving throughout the year to show solidarity to Anna Hazare in his hunger strike. Now finally it is time for some action; real action in parliament to pass the bill. Mr.Rajniti Prasad, don’t confuse my pledge for action as your tearing off the bill. You are a big disgrace to democracy and the nation and the entire human race in general.
 
One thing I don’t want to see this year is Anna going for his 5th hunger strike post budget session. The old man has already done a lot for you, me and the generations to come and he should be allowed a stress free life henceforth. We as a nation owe a lot to this man and the best way to payback half of the debt is by having a strong Lokpal bill, unlike the toothless, err… mouthless one proposed by our government. Manu Singhvi and Kapil Sibal can go to hell together, if that is the requirement.
Hanging Of Afzal Guru: Honestly this is a constant wish of mine since 2006. It is yet to be fulfilled and I am sure this is the last time I am having this one in my list.
 
If you guys haven’t heard of something called population burst then just look at the way we deal with the mercy petitions. The list is so crowded that we are forced to have a never heard of first-come first-serve mechanism dealing with it. If you still don’t believe this lesser mortal then please ask an enlightened gentleman called Rahul Gandhi. Just the way your request is dealt with while booking for a table on the 31st night, we are dealing with the likes of Afzal Guru and cronies like him. That said, I think it is getting little obdurate for whole of India and we better hang the joker sooner than later as being a laughing stock across the globe is no fun, provided you are not H.D.Devegowda.
 
No Standard Oration On Political Platforms: “Sarkar nai karodon rupayee diye lekin yeh aap logon tak nehin pahonch ti”. Rahul, I know you are a college dropout but you certainly can do better. First step is to sack those script writers of yours’ for charging you to write the same shit every time you visit a non-congress state. Even though we have decades to ponder, it is how only in non-congress state the money sanctioned by the center is not reaching people; you must should stop parroting the same stanza every time you show your face. Believe me it is getting more expected than expecting Sidhu to laugh on the news of his own death. You don’t want to be another Sidhu; do you Rahul?
 
But first thing first – get rid of those utterly useless script writers who write shit all the time. Be it writing ‘Mauth Ka Saudagar’ for your mom or that gibberish ‘Karodon rupayee’ nonsense for you. Please don’t torture the already price rise tortured population of the nation. And one last advice – don’t mingle too much with Digvijay Sing. Believe me; the rascal will get you shot.
 
Sachin’s Century: Sachin, what the hell you are doing? Don’t you realize at least half of the nation is waiting for it since one year? How come you screw up in the ninetees and late seventees at least seven times in last as many months? Now that you are in that racist land and we screwing up the Boxing Day test, it is more than required that you show who is the boss to all those creepy Ausies in Sydney. And truth be told; among all my wishes of the list, this is the one which has some realistic possibility of getting fulfilled; that too as early as the first week of the year. Hope Sachin you won’t disappoint me and million others. Ok promise, I will sign in that signature campaign to confer you with Bharat Ratna.
 
No Corruption: Doesn’t matter if I wish this or not. In India this one is never going to be fulfilled even if the God himself wishes for the same. So I am not bothering myself much
 
No Mental Torture: Ugly dancing on TV by Rakhi Shawant and Sreesanth for no apparent reason.
 
Hope to see each of these getting fulfilled by the time I would be writing a similar list for 2013. Ameen !! By the way, the important formality – “Wish You All A Happy New Year”, as if without my uttering it would be any different than it is destined to be.

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