Open Letter To IPL

Dear IPL,

I feel no shame in admitting that I am a great fan of the game called Cricket. But that said I feel ashmed to admit that, had I known something as annoying as IPL will be carved out of this beautiful game I would have stuck to my school age favorite games of Kho-Kho and Kabbadi. Or Gili-Danda may be.

You know what is the most annoying about IPL? No, it is not Rajeev Shukla but the manner in which the gentleman’s game was made to appear like a money milking cow for many. Where a game’s sanctity should have been the paramount concern and should have been preserved to its last originality, the organizers conveniently decided to sabotage it to start with. Greed took the better of sensible thinking and repute of the game itself when the organizers made an absolute farce of the game to come up with rules and guidelines which only we find in stock markets or in an average Gujarati household. Avenues are made at various stages to make a hell lot of money without caring an ounce for the repercussion that it may bring into the game, the players or even the viewers.

To begin with – why the hell BCCI takes hundreds of millions for a franchise? I mean, I no way should be concerned for few dumbs who unfortunately are filthy rich to go for team auction, but on the curiosity front I want to fathom the reasons that one should pay such an amount to buy a team, which is even sufficient for Mayawati to spend in five different cities to build her statues and parks. What the BCCI is investing in coming up with the teams that they should charge so exorbitantly? 900 million for just coming up with crappie names like ‘Pune Warriors’ or ‘Kochi Tuskers’? If this naked display of money in a nation where 40% still don’t get sufficient stuff to eat was not enough the BCCI came up with another brilliant money minting scheme. Player’s auction that is. In the history of India, it became the first instance when humans were auctioned as if they are commodities. I don’t blame the players for agreeing to get auctioned themselves like slaves as I would have agreed not only to be auctioned but to play the entire tournament in nude if someone has offered me a million for no reason whatsoever. 11 crores for Yusuf Pathan? Really? Even though I admire Shahrukh Khan’s smoking in public and getting into a brawl anywhere qualities, I feel this purchase of him was as bizarre as someone paying a lakh or two to get hold of a 1976 model Bajaj Priya scooter. While I am no way concerned about someone shedding a little of his/her black money on absolute garbage, I have my objections in this shameless distribution of free money in a land where half of our kids can’t afford to go to schools. This is not only insensible but also criminal.

The length of the tournament is another thing which I feel Pratibha Patil must take into consideration for review alongside Afzal Guru’s mercy petition before she retires and goes for a full time land grabbing expedition. How in earth one can think of a tournament which goes on and on like a B. S. Yeddyurappa press conference? How can you arrange a tournament spanning over a period of two months? Do you realize how lengthy a period of two months is? Hell even the Jharkhand government hasn’t sustained for that long in last five attempts. During this edition alone I have this friend who got divorced, married again and was asking about a better divorce lawyer a couple of days back and what is surprising, the tournament hasn’t even reached its knockout stage. For God’s sake, can’t we have a shorter format not spanning over few generations? Or is IPL genuinely trying to compete with our External Affairs ministry who are engaged with Pakistan for last six decades and we are yet to get Hafeez Saeed even slapped once.

Insane display of money all through has introduced rowdiness and few rowdies in the whole tournament. Owners having a hell amount of money in their banks were rowdy to begin with while these players after being offered money loaded in Lorries have made a paradigm shift to a complete uncultured world. What else can explain the slap that landed on the cheeks of poor Sreesanth by a bowler who not only is below international quality but a nonsense at large. Look at a certain Shahrukh Khan and his behavior whole through this IPL farce. Doesn’t he make Kamal Khan look an angle in comparison? From nowhere he was caught intentionally smoking from the stands of Sawai Mansing stadium all the while doing a famous Titanic act. While people were still analyzing the impact of his public smoking on his image as a celebrity he nonchalantly tried to manhandle a security guard at the Wankhade stadium day before yesterday and ended up delivering all the possible Maa-Behen Gaalis of the world. If this is not rowdiness then I am not sure what else it is. When he has got absolutely no business to venture in the field after the match was over, he not only did that but tried to show his celebrity status being the owner of a team to the poor security guard who was just doing his duty. Only good thing that came out of this brawl is MCA’s strong stand in banning Sharukh to enter Wankhade ever in his life. This is fine as per me since Government just decided to ban cartoons and MCA officials implemented it at once. See I am not even mentioning the brilliance of Luke Pomersbach when he eneded up not only molesting a woman inside a five start hotel but also bashed her fiance black and blue when he objected. This man for sure is a brillant ambassador for IPL and the game of Cricket at large.

By the way, what are these cheer girls are there for? I mean, I am all for some entertainment but let me assure you, the filthy belly dancing coupled with the commentary of Danny Morrison and Ravi Shatri is strictly headache stuff, not entertainment. Why bloody I have to think like a Nobel laureate to come up with a suitable reply to answer my nephew on why these girls are not wearing anything and doing some ugly dancing whenever a boundary is scored or wicket falls? And that too during a Cricket match? Come on!! What do you think of me? Am I a human or a Member Of Parliament? If at all the gross idea of IPL was to have some serious women empowerment then can’t we have cheer girls who are Indian than having a hoard of girls from Ukraine and Uzbekistan who were primarily in India with a tourist Visa for prostitution? Please stop this ugly dancing since Munaf Patel’s bowling and his tantrums as if he owns 5% of Indian GDP is enough.

This is a request of mine long pending with BCCI even. Please stop Ravi Shatri from doing commentary. Please in the name of Pratibha Patil. Please. To end my letter here is a little piece of suggestion. Even though Lalit Modi was an outright rogue element he still was far better than the guy who is heading IPL currently. Somebody who is still a little sane among the IPL organizers must take this chap Rajeev Shukla to a corner and threaten him with dire consequences if he doesn’t put on a properly fitting suite next time but before that just slap him and tell him – it is TOURNAMENT not ‘TORNAAMEINT’. Disgusting!!

Regards
A Vivid IPL watcher